God is good all the time...

Here we are, second day into a three person, two dog family and it is going great. We miss Moe like crazy but we are doing amazingly well. God has been gracious and merciful with our hearts. He is so compassionate. I have been getting back into a Bri routine (cleaning, creative cooking, and keeping track on Bear's learning and signing. As well as getting all my projects completed... I have already finished two and am ready to start 'finish' the third. Then onto remodeling my kitchen and finishing Bear's room and the guest b/r... maybe I will do our b/r first. Hmmmm so many possibilities.)

It is so much easier without two infants to care for. Not that Moe was hard; he was so peaceful and could play alone all day if left to it. But I could not do that to him. He needed interaction and teaching as well, so that was time consuming as well as his feed/ nap schedule... It was a good one but not when you have another one that is coming off that schedule and now has different needs as a pre toddler. So all that to say that Moe is settling into a new family and a new life and we are settling back into life with one child. All is well.

I heard from Moe's caseworker who drove him to his new family and she said that he fit right in. She said that he didn't cry and/or act afraid. She said he laid on the aunt (whom he originally started his newborn life with along side his mother before he was brought here by another family member and got removed by CPS.). I cried thinking this is probably really good for her heart to get to see him again now too. SO sweet. I am happy to know that he is doing great and will be in a good setting. Now when I think of the things I said about waiting for them to mess up and him coming back to us seems so selfish and dark. In the moment it felt right to say those awful things out of hurt and confusion but now I feel as though we were the catalyst that prepared him for the next phase of his life, keeping him safe and taking good care of him and instilling God into his little life; and we are now praying that God would continue to work in him and use him for HIS GLORY... NOT OURS! We pray that the parents could get their acts together and see what they have in Moe. We also pray that until that day comes that he would have all his needs met and all the love he could ask for as a child.

Thank you for all your prayers. God is good all the time. WE didn't see anything good that could come of this but now it just feels right. We are definitely on the right track.

Bittersweet...

We are now with one child. Not that that is a bad thing, it is just going to take some time getting used to the new routine around our home. It all seems so surreal; Like he is just away for a time but every time I think of putting him in his car seat in the CPS car I think of the fact that I will never see that sweet little face again. It breaks my heart and I have wept good and hard but I do know that God is bigger and he has great things in store for Moe. I am still praying that the new family will see fit to send updates and pictures. Maybe Johnny and I can even take a trip to Houston sometime to visit.
I am having to pack up the little things here that stayed behind... I tell you it doesn't get more real than when you go to his little crib and he is not in there and you think "he will never lie down in that bed again... we will never see him in there again or he will never play with these toys again." It is sobering. My arms miss him and my heart longs to hold him again and see that sweet smile. I have missed him all day. We went out to lunch together, just the 3 of us after Moe left and ran some errands in town and it was definitely a lot easier with one infant but subconsciously I would go to his car door to get him out and there was nothing to get but Bears sippy cup.
I know this is probably depressing to some of you; and to some of you you are thinking, How can she do it... It is prayer that is helping us face this season of life. And we do appreciate you and your prayer support. We would fail to stand strong if it were not for your standing in the gap on our behalf when we are too weak. We will be okay; We will make it through this too. God never gives us more than we can handle and for that I am thankful.
We are now looking forward to the Sept 9 final termination hearing for Bear. God please see us fit to adopt Bear and raise him as our own. This is going to take some strength to get through this as well. We are going to be meeting with the bio mom (we've never so much as seen her yet) and her attorney face to face to discuss mediation and what she would like to get out of his adoption. hmmmmm we will see what happens with that. For now that is what we have to focus on and pray through. It will be a little easier now with just Bear to focus on seeing that he is going through this dramatic phase of life. (By the way I am taking any and all suggestions on how to deal with a 10 month old BOY Ü ! WOW!!!)
We will continue fostering infants after this is all said and done. No, this is not easy but when is it that God calls you to do something EASY that is for HIS GLORY!!! I have always heard that if you do not have to work hard at getting it then it is usually not worth having. It is now that we will see the goodness of God; when everything realistically seems that it could, in no way, be good. "God let your Glory fall... as on that ancient day. "

The day before...

Today is our final day with Moe. I am having a hard time breathing and knowing that he will be leaving tomorrow at this same time. My heart is aching and there's no power I have to stop it. I have raised this child for 4 months and now have to just hand him over to people he doesn't even know. I don't even know them. Think about your own children.... raising them for 4 months of their lives and saying to some stranger (except we don't get to even talk to them; i have to send a letter about him) here is my baby I have devoted my life to for the past 4 months but here you go. Good luck with him. And if he needs me, well there's nothing he can do about it he will just have to figure out that you are taking care of him now and think I, the only Mommy he knows that has taken care of him and comforted him and smiled with and talked to him most of his life, have abandoned him like the others. I HATE THIS FEELING... Like I am failing my son... only he's not MY son I am again reminded.
I know that he is indeed God's son and He will be watching over Moe even if I cannot be there. I have to trust that we did the best we could in raising him the way that God intended for the time permitted. I KNOW these things to be true of God. He is never wrong in His timing and He is never wrong in anything He does. Everything is for the Glory of our God. Let's just pray that Moe's whole family will come to know the Lord through this whole experience.
My heart is heavy but I have to proclaim the goodness otherwise the devil will find his way in. WE DO NOT WANT THAT!!! And we will not allow it in our home. AMEN!!!

Beware... venting in progress....

I am in a blah state of being right now. I feel like the enemy is really working on me for destruction. I have been worn real thin in the nerve department and it seems that everyone and everything is dancing all over the thin areas. I am sure it is just because they are already fraying that it feels any different now. I can't seem to function or focus on anything and it seems that somewhere a schedule I once had doesn't exist anymore. I mean I keep our kids on their schedule and all but for some reason it seems that I don't have me time anymore and I am losing my mind trying to keep up with all the demands running around here. AND THEN THE PHONE RINGS, AND RINGS, AND RINGS. If you've ever been one that calls me you hear the same thing every time you call... the out of breathness because I had to stop something to sprint across the house to find our phone and then the frustration because I am too busy for my own self. ON TOP OF the fact that I now have a 10 mo old that is being real clingy and is teething so he is cranky A LOT (i love him but WOW). HELP! AND I can't find my car keys. I think it is because my husband is home that my schedule has become so hectic; it's like having a third kid hanging on you for the day following you around, except at night around 6 he goes to work and then I can finally relax. Once Johnny starts a regular schedule with teaching I am really hoping that will help our marriage level out and me stop being so frustrated with him being around me all the time and then never seeing him; back and forth for college classes and semesters. So after 6P I get the kiddos bathed and read to, prayed over and then down for the night. I then dive into one of the many projects on my plate and don't have a single bit of enthusiasm to want to do any of it but know that I have to get it done. UGGHHHH! Anyone ever feel that way? Any pointers on how to get out of this funk and grab hold of the Father's garment and climb out of the pit???? I need some up lift in the spiritual dept. BAD!!! And some pointers on how to deal with a husband that doesn't seem to read into THE WRITING ON THE WALL and just hear me when I say I need to be left alone to think without a constant sound going on. I know that he is just wanting to be with me and spend time with me but what he doesn't see is that I don't have a single moment all day without someone NEEDING ME! I love taking care of my boys but c'mon my husband should not follow me around in a daze not knowing what he should be doing. I feel like I have to think for everyone. So by the end of the day I feel like I am spending the time reeling my arms and legs back in from being pulled in 20 different directions for the day. By the time I finally unwind (about midnight) my husband comes back home. I am thankful he does at least come back home. Ü

Okay I am through venting. I just needed to get that out in the open air to be able to breathe. I feel like I need to just have a day to sleep all day and not have a single thing to worry about. I would like time to stand still for a whole day; like a time warp zone that we wives, mothers, daughters, friends, sisters, Aunts can climb into when life is too overwhelming for the moment and just escape for as long as we want and time stands still on the other side. That would be great! Thanks for listening...reading....

next step... new tooth!

Moe has a tooth; and at 5 mos old too. He never complained not one time. There was a season of life for him in the beginning that was rough anyway so that could have been the start of his teeting but that was a while back. He is doing great and loving life with the Wachsmanns. We love him and will always call him son.
I took their monthly pictures today. Moe's 5 mo and Bears 10 mo. They are way too cute for words. I hope I have done an adequate job (having to edit them) showing off their handsome charm.

Marriage Retreat

This weekend Johnny and I went to a marriage retreat for foster parents. It was out of town and the whole weekend. We left the boys with Johnny's parents (the rents as you will hear them referred to) to be taken care of. They enjoy their time with them (both ways; they's and them's). The rents always get a good laugh at the new things Bear and Moe are able to do. What new skills have they learned. Moe hasn't learned many except that he is starting to laugh a lot more and squeal with delight more now. He is "talking" to his animals more and to Bear more smiles are delivered; no matter how many times he gets crawled over. He loves him.

Oh yeah; so, the marriage retreat. The one thing that is hot on my mind is that when you call a "time-out" (for a heated argument) you have to call "time-back-in". Most times when we are in a "discussion" that becomes heated and full of frustration then we need to (just as children) take a time-out to calm down, recollect and gain composure. But more times than not the disagreement never gets resolved due to the fact that nobody ever calls time-back-in. That allows us, once we have calmed down and had time to think, to come to the table with a clear mind frame and a better way of looking at the issue at hand. We can then discuss RATIONALLY the things that need a solution. We then need to do a speaker/listener technique we learned as well so that no one is unheard or unvalidated. Then we brainstorm over the best possible solution and come to a conclusion by weeding out the suggestions that are not going to work for both our needs. We learned a lot and had a wonderful weekend alone together. The time was well spent and very much appreciated.
I felt so pampered it was unreal. We returned to our room the first night and found a red rose and a bucket of gourmet chocolates in our room. The second night we returned to our room to find rose petals on the floor along with a candle on the bedside table. (I think the petals would have been on the bed had it been made.) Johnny and I took a nap earlier that afternoon and so the bed was not made... oops.. hahahaha. OH AND YES I TOOK A NAP FOR ALL OF YOU PAYING ATTENTION. And for those of you who don't really know me that well. I HATE naps. I go to bed late and get up bright and early and cannot sleep throughout the day. I have never been able to understand why people love them so much (secretly I kind of wish I knew how to relax more so I could learn what they are more frequently) . We won't get into that discussion though. Nother time Nother story.
Blessings to you all. If you have any questions about the marriage retreat feel free to ask. I have all kinds of material that got brought home with us as well as books. I will do my best to answer your questions.

The Final News...

We finally got the call on Friday (Sorry we have been out of town this whole weekend). Moe will be leaving in one week. It seriously puts reality to the whole "he will be leaving" statement. Before, you just hear the words but now it has a time limit... and he will in fact be leaving our home. I want to fight the system but we cannot; we have no grounds to do so. We also knew that he would possibly be leaving when he came. But you cannot tell a heart not to love and bond with someone so fragile and helpless. I have become this little boy's mother and in doing so, excuse me, but my heart kind of fell into place as a good Mommy's (caretaker's) should. I guess that is how we know we loved him enough and how we were doing the right thing; When you cry like the busted dam at the fact that you will no longer be the one tending to him and watching those fun little smiles, even the nasty little diapers are going to be missed due to the fact that he always apologized for them by one sweet smile and comical giggle.

OUR SWEET MOE, YOU WILL BE MISSED DEARLY. WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND CHERISH THE TIME YOU WERE HERE. YES EVEN THE HARD TIMES WERE WORTH EVERY WAKING HOUR.

Fun in the Sun!!!

We love being outdoors when we get a chance to. Texas is a very unforgiving state however and most days in the Summer are way scorching and even some in the winter come to think of it. But the winter is gross and wet and COLD!!! So there is no in between; We usually don't have a spring or fall. It is just HOT or COLD! Either way we endure the heat and play outside so that our boys will not be sissies and they will love to be outside exploring (it's already working; they love it outdoors). I remember growing up (in an old country farm house with no a/c) playing outside most everyday all day and never complained not one time. I grew up and found out what an A/C was and it ruined me.
I still don't mind the heat as much but I don't like the blazing sun and at our home we don't have trees to enjoy the shade from in our immediate yard. We usually go to the park and play under their trees or wait til the sun goes partially down and hides behind the trees by our creek and play over there in the shade. Here recently we got the chance to go to a b.day party and play in the shade there as well as in a pool with friends. On occasion we will go to the Rent's house and play in there in-ground pool. Bear is too cool in his shades. He loves the water and mostly being OUTSIDE!!!

Moes life with us...

Moe 2 mos old
Moe 3 mos old
Moe 4 mos old
He has been claimed as Bear territory


We still have no updates on Moe. We were told that we would be saying goodbye soon maybe a little over a week ago and we still have heard nothing. I pray sometimes that they would just realize he is better off here and that it would be psychotic to remove him from security, stability and the only home he truly knows. It is painful to me that I don't know what is going on. He just celebrated his 5 month b.day and on the 16th will mark his 4th mo with us. I mean c'mon this is hard enough not knowing, but knowing and not knowing when, is even harder. I asked my CPS caseworker to not only give me an hour notice of his removal but to call me in a week advance to get my heart as prepared as possible. I have to call upon God for this unknown strength because as Moe's mommy I am unable to hold myself together and function normally. I pray that God would have favor on our family and make it increased by one more (two total including Bear). But mostly and unselfishly I have to pray that Moe would be placed in the home God has called him to. Uggghhhhh that hurts and stinks. We love our Moe baby.

Birthday Bash(ed)

okay so the stars failed us. We had a little bit of a show but nothing spectacular due to the GINORMOUS, BRIGHT MOON. We saw the ones that on a normal dark night would have been Brilliant but for last night they were only a little streak sputtering across the night sky. Oh well. I was surrounded by the ones I love most and then some. I think that is really the only thing that matters. I love seeing the stars and relaxing under the shower of the Perseid but it comes every year for us all to enjoy.

So now that I am 30... Well truthfully it feels no different then when I was 25... My responsibilities have all changed as have my priorities but my heart is still restless and looking for adventure constantly... I am just not sure my "SHAPELY, Really shapely" body can handle it Ü. I have a lot of fun, crazy ideas that I don't imagine will ever come to life but at least I thought of them. Doesn't that like mean my brain is at least still young. Yes that does count. I have convinced myself and that is all that matters.

Thanks to all of you who were here to celebrate my birthday and hang in there with us until the "show" began and tried to impress us. You are dear to my heart and I hope next year you will be able to join us again for hopefully a more memorable night.

TURNING 30!! AAAHHHHHHHH

Okay I think it has finally hit me.... I am turning 30. NO; REALLY! Quit laughing.... I am not kidding. Yes this is for real. I am no longer in the 20 something range..... I am now over the hill and speeding at an uncontrollable rate gaining speed as I continue on. Hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahaha. Help hysteria has set in... I can't see straight. Wait; who turned out the lights, oh wait maybe it is cataracts settling into my eyeballs.

Okay I am joking... I am going to face 30 like a big girl! ***flump, sigh*** and no I am not pouting. There are plenty of things I thought I wanted to be before I was 30 but I don't think I have mastered any but maybe one. I will choose however to look on the bright side and look at the things that I have accomplished and know that God definitely has different plans for me than I do.

1) I am married
2) I am a mommy
3) I am a friend to many (even old neighbors still love me and call me friend Ü)
4) We are buying a home
5) We are healthy and alive
6) I drive a toyota camry & a JEEP WRANGLER
7) I am trusted
8) I have been told I have talent (many different ones in fact Ü)
9) I have 2 dogs that LOVE me
10) I have a relationship with the LORD whom I LOVE.

Can you take a moment and count your blessings. Reflect on the fact that God has bigger plans than the ones you set for yourself. He knows where you are going and if it were up to you to lead you somewhere you'd get lost. He is in control. Thank HIM that you don't personally have to handle you... I know I am grateful! I'd lose it. I can be a MULE.... hahahaha

As I was reading through all my blogs I am realizing that there is no beginning to our Journey and how we came to be where we are now doing what we are doing. So here is a little back track in time. Johnny and I have been married for 4 years as of April. We have 3 children that have passed on to be with the Lord from July '05 to Dec '06.
We felt a strong calling from God to adopt but were told that in order to adopt a newborn you would have to foster first. So we are in a program called foster to adopt. We basically receive children (infants -2 yrs) that are "risky" (meaning they could come up for adoption but they could also be reunified with family and you will lose them) so that we could at least have the opportunity to adopt an infant that we have been raising from birth.
So far we have been licensed for a little over a year and we have been placed with 3 children total 2 of which we still have.
We have had Bear for almost 10 months now (The picture is of his homecoming). He came to us when he was 7 days old straight from the hospital. We got to cut the ID bracelet off of his tiny little ankle and everything. So precious and so sweet. He is getting so big and learning so much stuff. He is the one standing in the previous pictures. He is trying to walk. We are now in the waiting process to be able to adopt him (I think we have been here the whole duration; but the court is now on the same page Ü). He has a court date set real soon for final termination. So maybe before his 1st birthday we will know if we can adopt him.
Five months after being placed with Bear we received another little boy we will call Iggy when he was 5 months old. Bear at this time was also 5 months old. Wow talk about twins one of which you have not been raising... rough. He left after 3 weeks to be with his siblings at another foster home nearby.
Shortly after he left we received Moe whom is now with us as well. Moe was 6 weeks old when he arrived. He has come so far in just the 3 1/2 months he has been with us. We had to work real hard on him. Among other problems that were curable by amoxicillin and other drugs he was very aloof when he got here. And very insecure which makes for a very unhappy baby. He was in rough shape and screamed a lot.
A lot of people say to me now "you have such happy babies; you are lucky you got babies that were so good"; but anyone that knows how foster children can be (due to the confusion and frustration from transitioning, they can be very scared and hard in the beginning) knows that this statement is not true. What is needing to be said is "Wow you have worked your tail off to make them feel secure and loved and teach them the things they need to know about being structured and well mannered even though you may not be able to keep them". They don't just come with all these good qualities built in. Far from it. These children are being removed from something far worse than some of us could even imagine and OUR job as their foster PARENTS is to teach them the love of Christ and teach them how true love from PARENTS is supposed to look UNCONDITIONALLY so that they can have healthy childhoods.
So next time you see a foster parent with good kids. Tell them that they have done a wonderful job as their PARENTS. Of course Johnny and I always thank God that He guides us through it and leads us in parenting them. It is Him alone using us, we just have to be obedient and strong willed to push through even the toughest of times. Believe me there are many days that I wanted to wash my hands of this and say "It is not worth it; doing the hard part so some one else can enjoy them later"... but that was my flesh feeling the pressure and discomfort. It is not an easy job by far; It is very selfless and consistent. But God is calling us to something far greater than ease and comfort. It is worth it for me to parent these "abandoned, abused, neglected" babies. We will give them the start in life God had planned for them. WE will pick up where the bio parents could not push through. We will be God's vessels to show them the LOVE they need and deserve. And God help us we will pray them right into the home that they are supposed to be in permanently. It will be hard I am positive but it will be rewarding to know that we have done the will of God no matter the cost. UNCONDITIONALLY!
We will continue foster/adopt until God says so and we invite you to join us for the journey. Thank you for your love and support. We could not do this without you all.
God Bless and keep you and your families.

Where are we now...

Well we still have our same two little boys that we absolutely adore and love. Bear is now about to be 10 months old. We have finally hit the double digits. And "Moe" will be 5 months old in a couple days. We have been informed that Moe will be leaving us to live with relatives shortly. We are not sure when but my heart aches. It is mothering a baby that trusts only you and depends on only you and giving him over to the arms of a stranger; people he doesn't even know. He gets scared when he can't see us for a long time; He stares at us familiarizing us as his parents; He gives us those looks that only parents get. It's like we are being punished and for what? Unconditionally loving a child that NEEDS YOU when nobody else could or felt like it.
We are praying that God would give everyone involved the wisdom needed to do the RIGHT and JUST thing. We would love to keep them both permanently but if HIS plans are different (hmmm imagine that; sometimes they are Ü) then we want what God says is best for him.
Bear is the only brother he's ever known and they are bonded like no other. Seeing those two together melts a mother's heart. I love watching them interact. Well more like Bear crawling all over Moe. But as long as Moe is laughing we have no reservations to boys being boys no matter how young. They love this time together.
I have seen a couple of blogs that show different shots of their foster children in ways that still protect their identity and I am totally inspired. So I am going to attempt this and if any of my Caseworkers see this and think this is still inappropriate please let me know. But I want people to see this side of our family too and I am trying my hardest to keep these cuties all to myself.
Thank you all for your love and support through our journey. We have felt your prayers and know that God is at work daily in us. WE love you all!!!!

Here are some recent pictures of our boys! Well what you can make of it anyway. Most of you know them personally and get the reward of seeing them in person and knowing their sweet personalities. Lucky yous.

Blogger Challenged

I am totally terrible at this blog thing. I am not a computer person and it frustrates me to be on this thing so much. I am a doer... Get'er done... So I cannot sit still for very long. Some call that ADD I am sure but whatever Ü. Nothing goes undone on my watch. Okay so maybe it does but very seldom and it usually happens when I HAVE SAT DOWN AT THE COMPUTER.
But because I have been hounded to update my blog and to check out some other blogs (not my norm either) about some foster situations I have been inspired to update you all on our journey. I apologize to all of you that keep checking in on me and I have let you down time and time again. I will try and do better at this. PROMISE!!!! Well I am human and will probably break that promise. But bear with me please.
I think this would be easier also if SOMEONE helped me create a fun page instead of this ugly thing that's going on here. I am creative but not when I don't know how to do it. Again I am a doer all my work is original and done by hand not graphics. I am a blog challenged person in need of tutorials Ü.