Story of ME!

So this is the poll I have come up with... YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM! All the gory details of my life... and I must warn you some seasons were pretty stinkin' gory. I may even lose a couple readers here and there, but it is all part of who I am today. I can't go back and change a single thing no matter how hard I wish I could. So I will begin from the beginning because that is who I am and where I have come from.

I also have to tell you this is going to be spread out over a period of probably weeks because my time is so divided and I am always in two places at once! I have been trying to figure out how you people do this blog and family stuff with MORE than 2 kiddos! I am doing good to get all my eggs in a basket just in time for them to get dumped out again! At least I am not counting them.

So here goes the beginning of ME... Bare with me as I have a terrible memory. I think sometimes it is because I have chosen to block out so much of my childhood as to stay happy... so some things are a complete blur and gaps are missing from my life. Oh well guess it wasn't worth remembering!

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I remember being mostly a daddy's girl. My mother had my half sister before she married my father and I came along soon after. My dad is a biker (not as hard core now days) and my mother, well she is a people pleaser and got run over quite a bit. I remember my dad being very abusive and my mother getting beaten a lot. Sometimes in front of us and sometimes we'd only hear the abuse and see the results in the morning. I remember that we were the children to be seen but not heard and not even seen for that matter. We were made to stay in our room while the "party" was going on in our kitchen. Lots of drugs, gambling and alcohol.

My parents finally divorced when I was 7 and I was devestated! We moved in with my grandmother who lived about 25 minutes away. I think we lived with her until the floor was beginning to fall through in the kitchen so then we set out to find another home, all of us.

We finally found a place out in the country and I remember falling in love with the old farm house we would call home for the next 8 years give or take. It had so much exploring acreage for a girl who tried to escape a lot from the pain. I remember my mother was never really around much. She had found a boyfriend and stayed away a lot. She liked the social life and the freedom from responsibility or so it seemed. We were being raised by our grandmother (my mom's mom). I remember feeling so left out and so unwanted because I really never saw my dad either and if I would call him he was always too busy and seemed to want nothing to do with me. Sometimes he would come get me in the summer time and I would stay a couple weeks with him but for most of that time he would dump me off at my aunts house. I grew up just like her... and now I live next door to her. hehehe

The times that I did stay with him are the memories that will forever stay in my mind as the best days of my childhood. He lived behind a machine shop (that he worked at) in a tiny travel trailer and I stayed there too. I was a tom boy to say the least and rode motorcycles and 4 wheelers all day while he worked at the machine shop. At night I would get a bath in a huge sink with tide and GOJO (orange grease cleaner... yeah my dad was clueless). After my "bath" we would lay a sleeping bag in the back of his truck and lie under the stars and just be! I LOVE the stars and everything about them now. Every year on my birthday the Persied Meteorite shower rains down hundreds/thousands of "falling stars" just for me *smile* and for as long as I can remember that is the one thing we used to love doing together... watching falling stars. We didn't really talk much; just existed. Maybe he was afraid of who I would become, maybe he really didn't like me... who knows. I do know that I carried with me an idol in my heart of my father and I worshipped the ground he walked on. I would find out later how unhealthy that was.

Going back home was very difficult for me because I felt like a black sheep there too. My sister (whom I love dearly) didn't really seem to want much to do with me and never wanted me around. They (she and my cousins) would make fun of me and tell me to go cry to my daddy if I were upset and lonely. They didn't understand, I guess, that he didn't really treat me like he liked me either, I was just looking for a place to belong. I turned mean; real mean. I started internalizing all the hurt and loss and eventually it became hatred. I hated everything around me. I hated school and all the kids there. They all made fun of me anyway, I was never dressed nice like they were. We didn't have money like they did and I just didn't have the social skills they apparently did so I was an outcast there too. I moved on alone.

Eventually my mother moved out of the house we all lived in. She took my sister with her and I was left with my grandmother. Yep, just another drop in the "everyone hates me" bucket. I started going down a steep hill that wouldn't change direction for another 14 years...