Story of ME! (part 2)

So my Grandmother raised me for a good portion of my life... I saw my mom and sister every once in a while. My dad came and lived with my Grandmother and me for a time but left shortly after. I really have no clue why.

I was a social reject all through Elementary and Jr. High. High school didn't really change much either. I made a couple friends here and there but nothing that would really last. There are maybe two that I still communicate with once a year maybe at best.

When I entered into High School it was really no different for me being left out and laughed at but I was having deeper issues than that so it was no biggie for me. By this time I had moved from my Grandmother's home into a house with my mother and sister, then my sister's boyfriend moved in, she became pregnant and they moved to a different house; they got married when she was 5 months pregnant and in the hospital with health issues. I was 15 when my niece was born. My sister was in really bad shape with her health and so I went to stay with them and take care of the baby. Her then husband was not much really to speak of and he didn't have much luck in the job field so they moved back in with my mother and me.

Soon Mom finds different boyfriend that promises a life of "happiness and money" and she FALLS FOR IT! SMACK ON HER FACE FALLS FOR IT! So she moves in with him and he builds a house for her (and me if I move in). I began ditching school just to make sure she was okay. He bruised her up countless times and put her head through a wall just as many. So needless to say I was in trouble at school for not attending but I knew my mother's life was way more important.

My sister finds a job and I start keeping her daughter when I get home (on the days I go to school.

Somwhere along the way there was a guy that I met at a bar (yes I was only 15... but it was a restaurant/bar with pool tables in the back). My friend and I were there playing pool and some guys show up. I meet this other guy through them and we start dating. He was 19. The only guy that ever paid attention to me and I FALL SMACK ON MY FACE FOR IT! (Trendy pattern this is becoming...) Soon I would find out why he wanted to pay attention to me! I will forever despise not knowing better the things I found myself trapped in.

***Just an FYI.... I don't know if you are catching on to all this but I HAD NO IDEA WHO GOD OR JESUS WAS. Church was somewhere that my aunt went and my cousins hated it (or so it seemed). It smelled nice and the people had pretty voices but that's as far as that went.

So I found myself living this sinful life that I absolutely HATED!!! I was basically raising my sister's daughter and had to attend alternative school for absenteeism. I was spiralling out of control. Soon my mother's boyfriend puts her head through the wall one last time and I finally threaten to kill him... yep all 120 lbs of me threatened all 330 lbs of him! AND HE BACKED OFF...('cause he said I was crazy enough he believed I would do it! hmmmm).

I was living back and forth from my boyfriend's mom's house and my sister's and my mom's (before the threat to her boyfriend obviously) and not feeling like I belonged anywhere! I hated my life.

My boyfriend became very violent with me and I, like my mother, fell for the "I am soooo sorry" routine. Sex became the core of our relationship. I hated it and hated him for it but he was abusive and would throw whatever at me until I would give in. Tears streaming down my face I found myself wishing I were dead. It would have to be better than this life... right???

After a while I soon became pregnant and was scared out of my mind. I have never had a secure relationship with either of my parents much less them giving me the birds and bees conversation. I am not kidding when I say I knew nothing about how that all REALLY worked! I somehow slipped through the cracks of being properly parented. I was scared to be a parent (I already had a lot to do with my niece and was afraid to have that again) I was scared this guy was going to beat me blind... I was just scared.

I eventually told my mother and she came to me with "what do you want to do about it?" ...What exaclty does that mean??? I have never heard of any alternatives to having your baby and you becoming a mother. Then (after being convinced by her boyfriend... yes the one I threatened to kill... this was before all that took place! Sorry for the choppiness of it all...)she told me of the alternative that I would live to regret the rest of my life. Yes I went through with an abortion. My heart sinks to even say that. I know I have been forgiven and God has saved me from that pit but still my heart remembers! As it forever will!

From that moment on I stared on into abyss and looked death in the face with whatever I did. I had no more purpose! Nothing mattered anymore!