Building fences... aaaand a new baby!

We have been in the process of upping our land value (improvements) for... well, since we moved in over a year ago. We moved in and about 3 weeks later received our first little man so there was no time to do anything face lift wise to our home. The inside got a makeover but it was so not in a good way! I am just now getting my house arranged the way I like it. I have a terrible habit of rearranging furniture. Until I get it in that ONE spot that everything just goes! You know.... THAT spot!

When we moved in we had to put up an emergency fence for our sweet Duke that needed a place to stay out of mischief. We got one up but it is needing a helping hand. We finally got to start on the front part of the land which when finished will enclose all of our land but the front corner which is where we are hoping to have a garden.

Soon we will be adding an addition to the front part of our home with a deck. I am drawing up some plans right now and we know several people that are MULTI talented in many areas so there have been some offers to help thus far! How awesome that will be! Then comes my yard!!! Anything you can think of... it needs!

Then on our list are chickens. We LOVE eggs around here and I kind of grew up in the country with fresh chicken eggs in the mornings. It is a must. I love that the boy(s) will be able to tend to them when they get older also.

So alas I bring you Daddy's little helper building fences!

Helping Daddy fill in the holes with dirt (OR playing with rocks)

MMMM popsicle and ice chips (OH and dirt). His treat for being such a wonderful helper.

Yelling at the hole on the ground.

Playing IN the hole on the ground!

Needless to say he slept good and early this night!

Aaaaaand a new baby!

My sister had her 4th and final child last night. She is soooo precious. All of her children have been just beautiful! I went and visited today and I wanted to sneak her off in my little bag. Oh she was so perfect! I got to change her little tar baby poo poo! Nasty stuff... and then she proceeded to pee all over herself and the bed (Sorry BJ hehe). I think I forgot that babies are capable of such involuntary acts of bodily functions.... how did I ever!
Isn't she beautiful! She was opening her little eyes a lot and watching me but I couldn't stop holding her to take pictures. I was overwhelmed with joy! Then she went to sleep on me and then I started snapping away... and I had to change her poopy diaper! Oh I love her!

The rest of the story

So after all of the losses we prayed about what to do and we were kind of in a fog. We had some different people come and mention adoption to us but that just hurt. It didn't help our hearts any. I was personally offended at the very thought (in my mind) that people were out there thinking.."man they should just give up, this is not the way to go for them!". I mean who's call is it anyway. So needless to say I started shunning the idea of adoption b/c it was another place that proved I failed. I failed at having my own children so now I have to raise someone elses until they can or want them back. Another child I would not be able to keep... sure that's what I needed/wanted! My heart was torn. I wanted a baby more than anything now but I was "done trying". I had gained NUMEROUS pounds and was sick of being on bedrest. I love my "freedom"!

J and I kicked around the idea some here and there. We were asking eachother off and on "what do you think we are to do now?"; OR "have you heard/felt anything in the direction we are to go?" Neither of us had any clues. We were drained. Finally about 3 months later we (were NOT expecting... ha! Gotchya) started feeling our guards come down against adoption. We prayed about it more and more and felt like the Lord had given us a duty, a purpose if you will. "You are parents without children and there are children out there without parents that NEED YOU just as much as you NEED THEM!" It became very clear to us at that point what our next step would be.

We started talking to some dear, dear friends of ours that have adopted also. We asked them how to get started and they gave us all the emotional support as well as all the information we needed. They told us it was easier to do foster/adopt because you get to be with the child for longer before you know if you are "right" for eachother. There are of course greater stakes involved if the child is reunified with parents or family, but if it is something you are willing to risk then it is worth it. But for some reasong I still just could not move forward. I was emotionally frozen. I was terrified of failing and letting some child down. I was hurt that people could have their own babies and I had to go and take from the "overstock pile" (I was hurting and those were hurt feelings... I absolutely in no way feel that way really.!) I had to deal with these raw emotions before I could move forward. I did. I got counseling and got closure for all of my past abortions and mistakes I had made. I asked God's forgiveness in all of these places. I cried. I mourned children I never met. I felt like God gave me names and showed me faces of ALL of my children. I was finally at peace with it all. I hurt inside but it was a good hurt. I started hurting for the "unloved children!" I WANTED THEM! I wanted to advocate for them. I wanted to parent them. I want to be their PARENT whom loves them UNCONDITIONALLY just as God had shown me He loved me and accepted me UNCONDITIONALLY! He adopted me and cleaned me off. I have been given a purpose in this world to do the same to these poor orphans. (James 1:27).

Later I talked to J and told him about my counseling session and felt like I should ask him if he would "adopt" all of my children from before. But when I came to tell him about it all I was so overcome with emotion that I could only cry and he looked at me and told me that he wanted to adopt my children! UNCONTAINABLE GOD! He had already given J a word and filled his heart with this same love for my children. And then from there we were able to move forward.

We went and looked into the classes and what do you know. The very next night would begin the first of a 6 week training course to get licensed. Hmmmmm planned maybe! We attended. 6 weeks later we were licensed our backsides were checked and they came to approve everything we owned! NO DIRT IN THEM THAR CLOSETS! We waited and waited. We got a couple of placement calls but none ever made their way to our home. They always got placed somewhere else. I again started doubting God's plan! I was getting anxious to be a mother. All my friends were becoming parents and it was a hard season of life to be in.

J and I came to a point in our marriage that needed addressing BADLY and I wanted a divorce! He had bigger fish to fry than I was willing to deal with. I hated him and all of his "flaws"... (yep... overlooking my past and all MY flaws. I only saw the plank in his eye!) I realized at that point why God had me not get my degree or a job. I would have left in a heart beat. My flesh instinct has always been to run. AND I HAD MY BAGS PACKED with no where in the world to go. I had a lot of options but none I was willing to act on. I knew I would surley stumble and fall had I run. So J moved out and I couldn't take it. He was my best friend. He was hurting and I dumped on him. I needed him to walk with me in this life! It is nothing God could not get us through together. I called him back that same night and he rushed home! He is meant to be mine and I am meant to be his, flaws and all!

We started looking for a house about 4 months after licensing. We figured if we aren't getting children we may as well get moving out of the way. We knew we were going to the country; away from the city. I don't do city life well! And as we were looking, the scripture came to mind again. "...Enlarge the place of your dwelling, strengthen your tent pegs for soon you will be bursting at the seams".... Isaiah 54:1-3 (paraphrased). OH man! this was bigger than me!

We found our home and moved in October 1st and had to get all of our inspections for the foster/adopt done. We barely got them all done and on October 24th they called for our first placement. A little boy 6 days old. Do we want him... "HIT YOURSELF WITH THE PHONE! YES WE WANT HIM!!!" I told our worker on the phone that day. "This had better be for real because they kept calling before and never placed with us." She told me "No baby, this is for real. I told everyone not to call anyone until I got a hold of you. He is yours". We found out he was a legal risk case which means that he could be reunified with family but we would get to hold and love on him until God's plan played out. I needed him! J and I went out that night to have dinner and buy some BOY stuff ( for some reason all I had was girl stuff...subconciously I wanted a girl REALLY BAD!). We bought some sweet boy outfits for his homecoming and such. Oh I could not wait any longer. I got home and was dressing Duke in diapers and socks, making him lie still so I could just love on him. HA! Okay maybe not but it sure was a hard wait! I know it was only a day but man... the reality of it all was it had been over 2 years that I had been waiting to hold "my" baby! He was coming home!

The next day we got him into our home. We loved him from the moment we saw him pull into the driveway! He was brought inside and he was crying. His clothes were 6 sizes too big for him and half hanging off. His blankets that were once surrounding him were a tangled mess about his tiny little body. They handed him to me and he was crying. The lady told me, "He is dirty I think and definitely hungry" (they drove 4 hours from the hospital with him). I took him into my arms and fed him 2 of the 2 ounce little bottles from the hospital... he ate 4 ounces... I'd say he was hungry! I then burped him and changed his little diaper and put him in some more appropriate clothing. I swaddled him and cuddled him and lay him down to sleep. AND HE SLEPT! Then began the NOT SLEEPING for mommy and daddy! Oh but the joy is beyond me!

So here we are 16 months later (to the date) of Bear's arrival and we are still not done with his adoption. There have been so many hangups and has never had a visit with anyone other than a potential father at 2 weeks old! That man was weeded out with a DNA test. No other caregivers... EVER and it is taking forever! I don't get it but God does! He is ours just not legally yet! We will be getting a date soon for the cosumation and when we do watch out, there will be a party! On earth as it is in HEAVEN!

5 months after Bear came home we got another little boy (5 months old as well) and that lasted about 3 weeks until he went to live at the home that had his siblings. He left and then about a week and a half later, along came MOE at 6 weeks old. Also a HIGH RISK CASE! He had parents looking for reunification so we didn't have any heart set plans other than to love this little boy like our own until his parents could. At 5 months old a family member got certified to take him and we lost him. It was hard to say goodbye but I knew it was coming eventually and I knew God was in it. I felt peace! 3 months later we get a phone call asking to bring him back into our home and OF COURSE we said YES! 3 days later he came home! He has been here for 2 months now and we are possibly preparing for his departure again mid March, just after his one year b.day. My heart aches but God will prevail and He will sustain my broken heart!

It is a hard road but the rewards are plenty! I love this "job" most days. EXCEPT on the teething days... Yeah, I know that so not unconditional. I love them on those days too, under the influence of Ibuprofen and orajel! My boys! God knew I needed them! What has He in store next???

Thus concludes the saga of Me. If you have any questions (in reason) email me. I will do my best at answering all those inquiring minds. Thanks for hanging in there with me (you 5 readers of mine!) You have been my reason for continuing on :)!

soon to come

I promise I am not intentionally torturing you all. I don't get why my time is so demanded right now... hahaha. Both boys are sick, sick, sick. I am dropping in to tell you that I will soon be posting the last bit of my saga... I am sorry it has taken this long. Weekends drag the life out of me! And then the week slowly drifts away by Tuesday! HA!

love to you all and God Bless!

Story of Us part 2

So we carried on with life as best we knew how. We leaned on the arm of the LORD a LOT! It is hard losing a baby... you have so many plans that go unattended, we registered only to never have a shower and then it was really hard seeing the things we registered for being carried/worn by others. It is crazy all the emotional attachments that come along with being pregnant and then losing your child. You have to grieve EVERY place before you can truly move on. The outfit you registered for you see on another baby girl... healing; The carseat you registered for snuggling someone else's live baby... healing; you hear her name being whispered to another precious snuggle bug... healing. It is just too long a list of things to mention of all the places that you HAVE to receive healing in before you are completely able to not think about it and BREAK DOWN every time!

I came home from the grocery store one day about 3 weeks later and just sat in front of our house in the jeep staring at our tree. I was thinking of nothing in particular but EVERYTHING was flooding my mind. All of a sudden out of the chaos of my thougts came a sudden stop and a burst of realization. "The scripture!" I said out loud as if there were someone near me. I recalled every single word from the scripture I had felt lead to read the day before I had gone into labor. "Isaiah 54:1-3"... oh my goodness. I had no idea the significance in that moment and it made me even more mad I think. "Okay God so how do you see that I will have more than all the other women if I can't even have my own children?" Just questions; empty questions flooded my heart. I had to pray to keep the devil at bay.

We went to the dr and they said Olivia was perfectly normal and healthy. She was actually big for her gestation. My placenta was infected but that could have been because my water broke a day before (I didn't know that's what was going on the day before. I knew something was weird but I had no idea it was significant). So my dr. told me "this just happens sometimes." "WHAT THAT'S IT!" Uggghhhhh. I drew nearer to God in the midst of my pain, loss and confusion. Nobody could give me answers. It was nobody's job. Only God knows what happened. So many questions would go unanswered but God's love and peace were evident and very present.

I was sitting outside on my front porch one day watching the cars pass by. I saw the meter reader walking across the street and following behind him was a little puppy. My heart melted, I needed someone to look after... if not then just pet. The puppy saw me and came running up to me and put his head on my chest and just looked up at me. He needed me just as much as I needed him. I aske the guy reading the meters if it was his dog and he said it had been following him since several blocks back. He came all that way just to find me. I took him to the humane society seeing that we were not allowed to have pets where we lived. I walked in with him and the workers looked as though I brought the plague on a string. "What's wrong... it's a dog!" They told me that since he was mixed breed Pit bull, rottweiller they would put him to sleep... man that's prejudice if I have ever seen it. "But he's just a puppy and so very sweet". The lady told me that they just don't take chances on pit bull anything so they put them to sleep. SOOOO over to the vet we go. $35 later and we are the proud owners of DUKE (we still are... he's snoring in his oversized bed behind the couch right now...the best dog ever, I am so glad I didn't give up on him back then!)! We then moved. haha

3 months after Olivia came and went I found out I was pregnant again. I felt like the LORD was still telling us to start our family and seeing that the dr didn't think this was a reoccuring chance then we decided to just keep trying when the light was green. We succeded soon and back came the dreams of my child/ren dying. I couldn't shake them. I hated falling asleep for fear of the nighmares I would face. I then started to take this as a sign (althoug I knew God was bigger), My child is going to die again.

One night around 11 P I woke up for the infamous potty break every 3 hours and I felt the same gush of "liquid" I did the day before I delivered Olivia. Except now I "knew" what it was. I went back to bed and woke J. I told him..."I think my water just broke but I am not sure. I will call the dr in the morning and go get checked out." He went back to sleep and I finally followed suit about 3 hours later. I was so nervous and scared... I had a feeling of what was to come.

The next morning I am pacing the floor (not literally) waiting for the dr's office to open. I call and they tell me to come right in. My friends mother and my mother in law came over when I told them what had happened and they rushed me the block over to the clinic. My dr checked me and told me "you are not dialated so you are not in labor.... It seems that everything is fine. But let me do an US to see what's going on in there."

He hooks me up and takes a look..."OH THERE'S NO AMNIOTIC FLUID IN THERE!" (Riiiiight I told you I leaked it all out last night genius!) So he sends me straight to L&D..."Oh goody, my favorite pasttime!" I felt sick to say the least! They hook me up to IV's and antibiotics to keep the infection at bay. J gets off work and comes to meet us up there. My dr comes and reassures us that there's nothing progressing toward labor so as long as I stay in bed and on antibiotics my fluid could still build back up. "BUT at 17 weeks there's no way this baby will survive if born any time soon."

I camped out in my own special room for about 3 days and the dr finally sends me home on oral antibiotics and moderate bed rest. I obey. The next day I start feeling some familiar pains and don't wait for the full-blown labor to kick in. I felt like the baby had moved down and was in a "ready" position. (moms you KNOW the FEELING!). Back to the L&D we go.

We get there and get checked in and into a room and everything and the nurse comes in and checks me and tells me "I am not sure why you came up here... there's nothing we can do for you. You could have just gone to the ER." I shot her a look like "how dare you!" and then proceeded to tell her, " Well unhook me. I will get up and walk down there if you'd like!" She then looked at me and said " You are already here so we will deal with it!" OKAY SO IF I STEPPED ON YOUR IMAGINARY BLACK CAT THAT FELL OFF YOUR BROOM THIS MORNING I AM SOOO SORRY BUT I AM LOSING MY SECOND CHILD IF YOU DON'T MIND! I just don't understand some people! REALLY! Then she checks me and just as though she were talking about the weather... "yeah I feel baby parts, you will be delivering soon". hmmmmm can I tell you how even now typing this I want to hunt her down and step on her cat! Ugghhhh. Thank you Jesus I am better than bitterness and evil deeds! Still to this day I hate hearing the word "parts". It makes me sick to my stomach.

She calls in a dr and very soon after on Feb 11th our son was born at 17 weeks. He weighed 11 ounces and was 6 in long. He looked just like J. I saw him gasp once and that was all he had to give. He met our Father. We wept. (we just passed his 3rd birthday).

I received another "memory box" with his footprint on a card and a hat and gown thing. Olivia's had her anklet and a blurry picture they took of her in the "nursery" with a polaroid. I am starting to collect these unwanted boxes.

We didn't have a name for him yet as I was still too early for the US to see the gender. So we prayed about it and asked God to give us a name for our son. 3 days later I woke in my bed at home and felt the name Samuel David heavy on my heart. I prayed about it and felt confirmation that was indeed his name!

I went home to emptiness again.

About a month later I was asked to go on a trip with our church to help administrate the childcare team in Germany. I had worked with chidren in our church for a long time now and it was second nature to me. Germany, however, was not. I was still really bitter about losing my son and not being able to be home with MY child instead of watching other people's children! I knew I neede to check my spirit and my attitude because these children and parents love me and really want me to go look after the children. I prayed about it and told God... "IF it is YOUR will that I go then you will see that I raise the 2400. needed to go." In about 3 months I had it ready to go! Can you say He is MORE THAN ENOUGH! So off to Germany I went.

My emotions were raw though to say the least. I experienced some rough times. My heart was hurting. I celebrated Oli's one year birthday/anniversary while there. I was still producing milk here and there. It was REALLY ROUGH most moments. I survived and put on a happy face most days and dealt with it as God gave me strength to do so. I loved the people I was working with but some days even they didn't understand. Who could?? They didn't murder me though so I thank them for that.

2 weeks later we came home and I realized my husband was not the man I thought he was and I wanted a divorce. I just wanted out! I again went to my knees after he left our home and prayed, "God help me see what you want from me and from this marriage... It is nothing to me anymore". I felt like God told me that I was to not give up and to press in EVEN in the hard places of uncertainty and pain.!

I felt like we would be given another child and I would find out on my birthday (AUG 12). Sure enough (as if I even have to question anymore)... It fell on my birthday, the first day to be able to take a test. Positive it was. We celebrated and wept all at the same time. I was scared to death. I was tired of going through this emotional roller coaster. Enough is enough! But what God brings me to he will bring me through.

The dreams start up again. This time the dreams were different though. There was blood involved. There had never been blood involved in all the others. Even in the pregnancy...It was just that my water broke too early and I would go into labor... no bleeding (before birth of course). So that was different. We had also changed dr's seeing that all the other one could tell me is "these things just happen" (yes TWICE; same answer)... not on my watch doc. See ya!
We now had a dr that is considered one of our cities most specialized high risk preg dr's. Imagine that... her name just "randomly" came up on a list we were looking at for new dr's. We knew nothing about her and it said our insurance didn't even cover her but we felt like she was the one we would be seeing. Later we found out about her specialization AND our ins did in fact cover her. Thank you Jesus!

She ordered a cerclage be done at my 13 week mark. (stitching the cervix shut, so as not to go into preterm labor AGAIN). Then I started getting progestrone shots twice a week to help thicken the lining of my uterus to help keep the baby in. When I got the cerclage I started bleeding... very light but blood none the less. I was told in the beginning this would be normal and not to worry. "Easy for you to say lady, you don't have my dreams OR luck!"

Everything seemed to be going okay. I was told to take it easy and nothing strenuous. about 2 months later I was feeling something was just not right. I was due for an US soon but I just kept feeling the baby kicking WAY low... like foot touching the couch cushion I was sitting on, low. I also felt like I could possibly be "leaking" fluids. No gush like last time but just not right. She tells me to come in. I go in and she checks me. She says everything looks fine. A little more fluid that normal but it's not abnormal so that is okay. She wanted to do and US just to be on the safe side... Yeah-that!

I go in, get prepped and the tech is not saying much. The dr comes in and they are kind of talking in an inaudible tone... "this can't be good". I see our sweet DAUGHTER on the screen just kicking away. I can also feel her kicking in places she ought not be kicking. It felt as though she were kicking at the cerclage. "No, no little one!"...

I get dressed and go into the dr's office. She proceeds to tell us that she wants me to go to the L&D and they are going to set me up in a room to be on strict bed rest. There was fluid pooling above the cerclage causing my uterus to balloon above the cerclage as well. Our little ANGEL had her little foot down in that balloon kicking away! (Leave it to my daughter to get into mischief before she's even out!) She said everything still looks okay but we need to get me under close servalence and we are going to try and ride it out until your 24th week. I was just 20 weeks. I asked if we had a chance. She looked hopeful but uncertain. I knew in my heart we would again be saying goodbye. Our sweet girl Ymali (pronounced "E-Mollie") Jane "Emma Jane" would be known for a short time here on earth. We prayed ever so hard. We had people holding prayer vigils for us and coming in to sit with me while J had to go to work. I had my own little private room again with a couch, chair and coffee table. I got good treatment this time. I was pleased. My dear friends brought me puzzle books, coloring books, board games, a Christmas tree (twas the season). So precious.

I stayed on bedrest far too long. My bed was even eleveated BACKWARDS so that I was "upside down" if you will. Not extremely but enough that it was WAY uncomfortable! We did everything to keep this little lady in. My dr came and checke on my regularly, she was AWESOME! Still keeping the hope and the faith.

One night it hit hard! I started having INTENSE contractions. I had a room full of people and I was huring bad. In between the contractions I had to take a potty break and upon finishing I noticed blood! OH MY GOODNESS... HERE IT IS... MY DREAM! I started panicking. I called for my friend M who was out in the room (she's the same one we called with Olivia, the ER nurse). she came rushing in and fled to go get my nurse. They wheeled me down to L&D (I was in a room in the NICU wing). My dr came in and checked me. She told me that I was dialated to a 6 and that the blood was from my stitches ripping through. She gave me some meds to stop the contractions and to induce a coma so it felt like.

She left the room and I felt like I was about to deliver, the pain was so intense and I felt like I had to push with all my might. I didn't want to though, I was scared. I needed my dr to tell me what to do. I was screaming for ANYONE to come in. Finally a nurse came in and went to get my dr. She came minutes later and checked me. She told me that I was still at a 6 and was not in labor. She then ordered a cathedar... ahhhhhh.... That was better! I apparently had to go REALLY BADLY but the baby was sitting on my bladder making it so I could not go and it was pooling. I loved that thing. I never had to get out of bed again.

So on with my meds. I was put on a very high dose of Magnesium sulfate! IF anyone has ever had that stuff you know what I mean when I say.... COMATOSE! Days went by and people came to visit. I had no idea. They said I was awake but that was three days that I don't remember. I asked my dr one day if I was supposed to feel this bad and she checked me out and lowered the settings. I was coherent again... nice. No signs of contractions, we were in business. 21 weeks. Yeah only 3 more weeks to go. I started coming down with something... It was hard to breathe and my chest felt real heavy. I started getting a terrible cough. They discovered fluid in my lungs from not breathing properly and being "upside down". They tilted me forward and gave me breathing treatments to do to help fight off the pneumonia trying to make it's way in.

I started feeling the contractions again but not bad ones. My dr came to check on me one day and I had mentioned to her a ..... rather uncomfortable feeling in the lower region surrounding the cath. I asked if UTIs were common when you have a cathedar in. She said yes but said she wanted to check me anyway. She did and told me that I was actually delivering. 21 weeks just didn't make the cut either. I delivered our little Emma Jane into the world and man was she fiesty. She was kicking and flailing arms everywhere. she was trying to cry but could muster nothing more than an attempt to breathe. My dr. just looked at me with a hand on my knee and tears in her eyes... she cared! We watched her squirm for about 30 minutes before she fell silent in our arms.

Again, a box, a blurry picture and a cap and gown was what accompanied us on our way home from the hospital. A room where a baby should lie sleeping would never know our daughter. I hated life. I hated me. I blamed me and my poor choices fully. I asked my dr about it and she said she highly doubted it had anything to do with my poor choices in the past. I just have an incompetent cervix and it is not uncommon. We would just have to go another route "next time". HAHAHAHA.... no offense but I am done! We asked her what our chances were if there were to ever be a next time. She sweetly told us that we would struggle to make it to 24 weeks, we would pray for 26 weeks, but 32 weeks would be ideal. NIIIIICE! So you're saying we have a chance... hahahaha. Thanks but no thanks... was my attitude.

I shut God out of my pain. I ran from HIM. I was scared. I had prayed for all three of our children to survive and all 3 have died. I didn't want to pray for anything else thankyouverymuch! Our house would burn down or my whole family would be struck with the black plague... I don't care if it hasn't been around in ages... it would make an appearance just for me! I am certain!

There was a viewing held for Ymali but I couldn't go... I was hurting. Nobody else knew about it so there would be not attendants for her little viewing ( I regret it terribly) then the burial came and went. We showed up for the very last part of it. There she was, a little decorated shoe box being placed in the ground and fresh dirt being placed on top of her little empty body. Goodbye could never hurt so bad! I wept and RAN full force into my DADDY's arms where HE stood silently waiting for me to come running. I wept harder that day still. I knew I needed HIM and could not do this alone! He was/is my rock!

Pictures for the times

Man it is time consuming scanning pictures and then switching them from one computer to the next! WITH TWO 1 YEAR OLDS! (okay well, almost!) But without further ado... I bring you pictures of J and my wedding (oops forgot to scan the engagement photos... get back to you on that. hehehe). I have also included a picture of our sweet Oli (if you wish to see her. If not don't scroll down, It's not bad. It's just from her viewing.)

Showing off my kicks

In case you can't tell those are my parents beside me.

This is the family that spiritually raised me!!! LOVE THEM!

My two nieces

There's the CZ ring hahaha

My GrandMOM! (The one that raised me)

Me and my sister

ALL OUR PEEPS

Here's our Oli. All we could find to dress her in was a little doll outfit from Toys 'R' Us... so if you see it on a doll somewhere... that's the one. It was still too big.

Story of Us part 1

Okay so now that we are married I will give you the story of us.

I was about to start my third year of Radiology and I began filling out paperwork to receive financial aid again. I had to change ALL of my information 'cept my shoe size and my first name. It ended up that I did not qualify for grants again and I didn't want to go the student loan route. J and I prayed about it and what I should do from here on out. We BOTH felt like the LORD said to "stay home and raise your family"... hahahahaha. To me that was hysterical because I was all about career and I was going to have one AND I was going to make lots of money doing it! I was not about to be stuck in the life I was so used to, being poor. My mother didn't stay home with us, my sister didn't stay home with her children. I wasn't prepared to stay home and "raise a family". J and I had talked about waiting a year after we were married and then "TALKING" about having children SOMEDAY! I knew it was a possibility, but c'mon... this early!???!

I fought and fought. I tried just about everything and still could not get any grants. I felt like I was supposed to continue working with my then boss. We did decorative painting and faux finishing in HUGE fancy shmancy houses. We've just about painted our hole church. So the jobs were off and on and were not very secure. We sometimes went months without a job. But that is where God wanted me... so there I stayed (don't get me wrong... I loved it!).

So I started praying for God's will, not my own! I prayed and asked God what He wanted of me. About a month after we were married I felt like God said "It's time to start your family". Hysterical laughing controlled my body for about an hour. "God, not to seem snotty... but REALLY! YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!!! WE ARE POOR REMEMBER... THE NO RADIOLOGY THING!!! WHERE DO YOU WANT THAT WE WOULD PUT A CHILD IN THIS ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT???!!!" SSsoooooo needless to say I ignored God's will and went on about MY life. Every morning in my quiet time I would hear it over and over again..."it's time to start your family". "NO!".... next morning "it's time to sta........", "God, you know what... if this is so important to you and IF this is REALLY your heart for us right now then YOU tell J in his quiet time. I am not saying a word to him!!!"

The next morning J comes to me "Honey, I know this is strange and I don't really know what to make of it. I know we talked about waiting a year before even talking about children but I REALLY feel like God is saying 'It is time to start our family'" hahahaaha... Can you say a DUMB LOOK crept across my face! "What did you just say to me??? You know what, don't even repeat it! I don't want to hear it!" We discussed it and decided that it was indeed God's will apparently and we should not disobey! Oh how I could have ignored that for the rest of my life!

It took us 8 months of "trying" before we succeeded. In March of 05 I found out I was pregnant. (Can we say Valentine's Day baby... hehehe) FINALLY! I was REALLY sick but everything seemed to be going normal. I always had disturbing dreams about my baby dying though. In my dream I knew I had had a baby but could never find her/him. I would look frantically and by the time I found them it would be too late. The baby would be freezing cold and I could not warm him/her or save them. It would die. I had this dream several times throughout the pregnancy.

We moved from our tiny one bedroom apt into a two bedroom duplex on a VERY busy street in town. Just the smell of the place made me sick to my stomach... add on top of that the pregnancy.. I was in bulimia heaven. I could keep nothing down AND I couldn't get off the couch. Finally about the 4th month I finally was able to venture around our "new" home. I HATED IT! I cried... this is not what I wanted for my life!!! I want the country and a real home without being able to hear people through your walls. We had stinkin' burglar bars on all our windows... we would awake to gunshots throughout the neighborhood! Oh well...."God protect us!"

About my 6th month I was cruising through this pregnancy thing. I was feeling HER kick and squirm all the time. I loved it. I (we) were planning her nursery and how we would raise her. Our little Olivia Grace, She was so precious. One morning I was praying and asking God to reveal Himself to me that day. To give me a scripture to meditate on for the day. I waited and waited and then felt the scripture Isaiah 54 enter into my heart. Hmmmm, "Okay... I've not spent a lot of time in that book, let's see what's in store for us this day."

"Sing,O childless woman! Break forth into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, even though you never gave birth to a child. For the woman who could bear no children now has more than all the other women," says the LORD. "Enlarge your house; build and addition; spread out your home! For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will take over other nations and live in their cities." (Isaiah 54:1-3 'Life Application Study Bible, NLT) Hmmmm Okay..."Clearly that scripture is not talking about me... I am nearly 6 months pregnant and I am going to have a child." So I go on about my day shaking off the randomness of that quiet time.

Then later that day our dreams would come crashing down around us! I went out with some friends of mine earlier that day and had started having severe back pains. We were walking around a 3 story antique store shopping. I could not continue on. I started feeling faint and really sore. I was "leaking" some weird stuff (sorry for the graphics) and felt I needed to go home and relax. I thought all of this was normal and I was just on my feet too long, walking.

Later my mother comes up and we go out and have dinner. We ordered and I could not eat. I felt so sick to my stomach. I was weak and felt like I was going to pass out. I told J I needed to just go home and relax. My mother finally went home after much reassuring (from us) that I would be okay. Finally the back pains were so intense I could neither lay or sit, much less stand. J called my friend M who works in the ER in the hospital close by and explains to her what is going on with me. She has also had two children so she knows a little somthin'... she tells him to get me straight to L&D and that I am in labor. "WHAT"!!! We start freaking out of course. I get there and am in severe pain by this time. They wheel me to a room and hook me up to all sorts of gadgets. I am feeling our daughter move around and kick me in some "new" places. We were there for a while before anyone really had a "clue" what was going on.

They came in with some paperwork for me to sign. The nurse told me it was standard for me to sign the paperwork..."it is basically just stating that you give this dr (who is not MY dr) permission to deliver you if you do in fact deliver...which you won't... you are not in labor and you are not dilated. You are just having braxton hicks contractions". "And IF YOU DO deliver there is nothing we can do to save your baby, she is too premature. 24 weeks is considered viable and we could try with many complications to be assured, 23 weeks is just to early we can do nothing." I knew I was 23 weeks and 5 days and so I STRESSED "YOU ARE SURE I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY!" The nurse kept reassuring me and the Dr. even came in and told me that I was indeed not in labor. Hesitantly, I signed the paperwork.

Oh how wrong they were!

That night they put us in a room and gave me some Demerol so that I could sleep through the "braxton hicks contractions". Along with some Ambien... I was feeling good. I fell asleep for about 4 hours. 6 AM I awoke with some serious pain. I shot up in bed and screamed for ANYBODY! J sat up on his cot and nurses came rushing in. I could not lay down for the pain and I couldn't sit up, I was hurting BAD! They started wheeling me down to L&D... J started getting sick. He joins us in L&D and I am going into labor. He gets on the phone with his family and calls in prayer warriors... soon everyone was at the hospital just in time to meet our little Olivia Grace. She was born at 6:01 AM. She weighed 1.5 lbs she was 12' long. She was so precious. She was fighting so hard to breathe and gasping for air. She was moving around in an attempt at life. The nurses just looked on. I watched our little girl gasp for her last breath 30 minutes later and fall still in my arms. My dad entered the room where I was laying in my bed holding my deceased daughter and he came and wrapped his arms around me and told me "it's okay to cry baby, let it out." I bawled like I have never bawled in my life. I wept and sobbed uncontrollably. My whole body shook. I needed my daddy! I needed to know that he accepted me even in my failures (which, to me, was what this was... I failed, even at this).

A couple days later we got to see her again and then lay her to rest in the ground. I woke that morning at our home and knew I could not go through with it. I would not be able to stop crying. So I got out of bed with the attitude "I am just going to weep this morning so I can get it "over with" for a while. That way I can hold it together during the viewing and burial." I tried so hard to cry... I couldn't. I felt the peace pour over me and I knew I was wrapped in my FATHER'S ARMS.

We had a small ceremony and I got up and shared the love of Christ to all those who attended. I don't know how I did it but God gave me strength, wisdom and words to speak.... so I did. I made her little life count and by golly I was going to use her life to GLORIFY GOD even in the midst of my pain, and suffering. I was told later that my dad was even crying (I have never seen this man cry). Thank you Jesus for softening the ground for the seeds to be planted!

We go home to an empty house and are blessed by the love and support of so many friends and family around us. Meals were brought, cards were sent, donations made (so J could stay home and look after me for a while longer than work would provide). We were experiencing HIS love and provision in our time of great need. God held us so tightly even though I screamed at HIM. I beat on HIS chest. I Hated what "HE had chose for us!". But I knew He loved me.

Finally I am back with 8

I was attending college and heading toward my radiology degree. I was making good grades and feeling so good about it all. Tina Got married and moved off and I was living a wonderful life with my new family. Wow, in a way I feel like I was adopted. They even called me by my first name maiden last name and their last name (joking around of course). Now they call me by my first, maiden last, married last and their last. hahaha I feel so loved.

about a year later I met this guy (A) in one of my classes and we started hanging out every once in a while. It turned into a lot more and finally we were moving toward something more serious than need be. I was saved, he was not. My now friends kept telling me, "you can't missionary date"... meaning that you can't lead a guy to salvation through dating him... hahahaha and believe me you CAN'T. He meant well enough but he was just so full of the world (which is probably why I was so stinkin' attracted to him. That and he drove a yellow jeep wrangler... my dream!). I prayed about it a lot and every time I felt like the Lord said to "let it go" (I was always given the same vision of the cheap dollar store pearl necklace the little girl doesn't want to give to her daddy when asked because she adores them so much. But finally one day she tearfully lets go and he gives to her a real pearl necklace to replace and reward.) I let go of A also, tearfully!

My little "sister" Amy (the youngest sister in my new spiritual family) came to me one day and told me there was someone she wanted me to meet, her friend's brother. I just laughed it off and continued on about my day.

Amy had this friend, Angela, that she hung out with quite a bit. Amy and Angela were always between houses spending the night with one another on the weekends and I would drive them around from time to time to the random places they wanted to go. Sometimes we would just hang out together and be. I had taken Amy over to Ang's house one day for a pool party and such for the high school. I dropped her off and went back home. She called me about 3 hours later just to "see what I was doing". I was laughing at her...(she's a nut sometimes... If you could just hear her voice when she's up to something, you'd laugh too).

"Nothing Amy, Why?"

A: "Oooohhh, just wondering. Hang on!"

Me: "ooookaaay...."

(guy's voice) "Hello?"

Me: "Hello?....AMY!!!!!"

Guy: "she put me on the phone and told me to talk to you"

Me:"WHAT!... ooooh that girl!"

Yep she tricked me into talking to Angela's brother on the phone. Then she calls me later to come pick her up from Ang's house. I go to pick her and another girl up and we end up making a date to go to the movies in our jammies. Amy invites J (Angela's brother) to come along and we go to watch Finding Nemo together.

***Sorry I am all over the place right now as soon as I sat down to type this at 9:45 my phone has rung 3 times and two of those times I had to answer it. Then the cat needed in and to be fed as well as the dog. My day is not my own! Just bear with me and I will eventually get to the end of this story!***

He seemed nice, I thought he was just a dork because usually all men are when they are single (and still...hmmm how can we say this discreetly... PURE!...can I say that on public blog!) hahaha, so I overlooked that part (kinda). Oh and he was saved... ACTUALLY, his dad is a pastor. So anyway we leave the theater after the movie is over and go our separate ways. The next day Amy calls Angela to see what her brother thought... you know that whole high school thing..."what'd he think of so and so?" I was right there listening in on the conversation, haha. J was talking to Amy and said that he was kind of talking to another girl and wanted to make sure there was nothing there before moving into a different "relationship". "WHAT!!!" whatever, he's a dork anyway! I walk away, just like that.

Eventually we end up talking again and hanging out more and more. He would talk to Frank as my spiritual father to better know how to protect and guard my heart in our "friend relationship". I had never had guidelines to follow before and it was pretty stinkin' interesting to say the least! I never had a guy that cared enough to ask about them or obide by rules lain out by my "father". WOW! Jesus was dating me! He was captivating my heart and drawing me to this "pure love" in a way that only HE can. This is the love that my heart was seeking and could never find in all the WORLD. It was so strange but so very attractive, dorkiness and all.

Soon we moved into "courtship", yes you heard it right. And that is exactly what it was considered. Courting was just making sure that this is the one I would like to move on into a dating relationship with. We moved on into a dating relationship and were given "dating guidelines" to follow and obey by Frank. We did good, so to speak. (If you want a copy of these guidelines I still have them. I will send you a copy...we actually plan on going over them with our boys when they hit that age. And any girls we have - God willing.)

We then move into dating on into engagement. He proposed at the Dam where we live. It was kind of REALLY SIMPLE and nothing much to it. He didn't even get down on his knee... (he has yet to live that down!) He gave me my ring and it almost made me laugh out loud! Not that it was small, or puny or any of that. In fact it was the EXTREME opposite! It was so "loud" and honkin' loaded with diamonds I thought it was fake! I totally thought it was a CZ. hahaha. I did the infamous hug him and stare at my ring. It was really hard to tell so he thought I was being REALLY affectionate. haha.

Later we went back to his parent's house where Amy and Ang were and they drug me into the bathroom and were squealing with delight... you know young teenage girls. hahaha (gotta love'em). It was there that Amy told me it was a 2ct ring (with 19 diamonds)... "Holy Toledo Batman!" That's a lot of bling for one ring.

I was so torn in the engagement. He was nothing I was used to and it was pulling at me HARD. I wanted to run and to retreat from the whole ordeal. I prayed and felt like I was supposed to marry him but in my heart I wanted something different. I know that sounds terrible but it comes from having all those meaningless relationships beforehand that tainted me and my heart. I didn't want to be settled down to one person I guess. I still had "dreams" of others. I still longed for "my guy" that could play me a smile on an acoustic guitar and write a song for me that would melt my heart. He had come and gone (that guy) and now it was God's turn to write my love story. I had so many expectations of my "husband" that when J didn't meet half of them it broke my heart. I prayed about this too and still felt like God said "go forward, he will grow."

We finally got married after a 6 month engagement. My father walked me down the aisle using his cane (he recovered from the wreck but it messed his leg up real bad). It was interesting, getting married, I am so not a crowd's person (other than bar crowds... 'scuse me... former bar crowds haha). I wanted outdoors but we ended up getting married at his dad's church with his dad and my "spiritual dad" (Frank is an ordained minister) officiating. I was so blessed to have so many loved ones surrounding me in LOVE and SUPPORT!

Now on to the next stream of Rocky mountains and LOW VALLEYS!

(I will be back with pictures later. I have screaming children!!!)

continuation of ...7

Way out of my comfort zone. I cried hard that night for fear of losing control of my environment. I talked to L about it and of course he was encouraging me to take this step. It would be good for me and even possibly our relationship (which was DEFINITELY dwindling).

I called this dear girl the next day or two and let her know that I would indeed move in with her family if they were still up for it! I cannot tell you how scared I was. What if they don't like me. I don't have a record of people JUST liking me (or so I thought). This family is a God fearing, church centered family. I am a cast off daughter of a biker and a hippie that has lived such a SINFUL life. What on earth are they going to do to me. Their house is going to burn down as soon as I set foot in the door. They are going to lock me in my room in fear for their lives. They are going to send me packing as soon as I open my uneducated mouth to speak. It was so intense, the anxiety was overwhelming me, I curled up on my bed that night and prayed and fell asleep in PEACE!

The next day I packed my, um, suitcase and a couple boxes that would go to my father's house. I could not take my cat which really hurt. Everywhere I have lived I have had a pet and have always had to leave it behind, breaks my heart really. So anyway... I call Tina up and tell her I am ready to go. I look around one last time and bawl my eyes out and get ready for the change of a life time (as well as a house fire that is sure to happen upon my arrival!)

I get there and it is just Tina and me for the first part of it all. I get settled into her room that we would be sharing now. I mean I will be sleeping in the same bed as this girl. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER REALLY! Then her parents came home and met me... They didn't throw water on my face or hold up a cross while speaking Latin and I didn't say anything to incriminate myself so we were off to a good start I'd say (Oh and there was no sign of smoke or flames anywhere... YESSSS!). Weird part was that they seemed like just a nice couple of people.

We sat in with her parents after getting all my things put away and visited. Some "ground rules" were laid (if I smoke... do so outside... I didn't need that rule.) but mainly we just got to know eachother. They told me that they were willing to offer a place to stay for two weeks, a month at most. Okay... it's a start! Tina's little sister Amy came home later that week from Summer church camp. I met her and fell in love with her little 15 year old personality. She was so unlike me at that age. She was so innocent and precious! She and I made a friendship that would last forever!

I let them know that I am interested in attending college ( I have no idea why, I hated school! Oh yeah the money thing. I needed some and a good career never hurt anyone!). Linda (The mother) starts helping me make phone calls for grants for college.

My 24th birthday comes about two weeks later and I am blown away at how special and celebrated I felt. I cannot remember the last birthday party that was actually thrown in my honor! I know I had some.. I think! On that day I received a card that was more precious to me than any gift I would receive. a "coupon" for "one whole school year room and board at the Fyke home. (The family I lived with). They were so kind to me and treated me like a guest of honor.

Over time I was enrolled in a community college for Radiology Technician (I am looking to make GOOD money!). I get grants to cover my total tuition with some to boot. I finally was awarded my own room. They turned their family computer room/ office into a small bedroom for me. I was so blessed to live among such people. They lived the true example of Christ and I wanted what they had. They were real, they had real issues but they handled them in a way that was so surreal. Sure they had arguments but the knew LOVE and PATIENCE! They were never ANGRY (so that I saw). They showed me what it was to be a Godly person.

I started reading the Bible in a more detailed way and hungering more and more for the fruit that I saw constantly. I got it out of reading and journaling and meditating on scripture (reading it and re-reading it and writing down what I was feeling about that scripture. If I had any questions I went to one of the parents and asked. We would discuss my question and I would be filled with more life. They became my spiritual family. The family I craved my whole life but never knew until now.

Then came the day that I had to come to terms with the unhealthy relationship with my father. I got a phone call one day while working with a friend of the family; I was told that my father had been in a motorcycle wreck and was in the hospital pretty bad off. I LOST IT!!! Completely lost it! Crying, snot flying, shaking... lost it!

I was confronted later that evening by Frank (the father) and he explained to me this relationship I had with my father was unhealthy. I had so much NEED of my father to be a FATHER and he could never be anything more for me than what he was... a human. I needed so much acceptance from him and to be loved by him and to know I was needed by him. All in a very unhealthy manner. They (Frank and Linda) explained it like this. I have an ATM card and I am swiping away but there is no money in the ATM. I am not going to get anything but and insufficient funds notice every time. My father, being the worldly man that he is, cannot fill me up spiritually and cannot give me the love that my heart truly desires. Only MY HEAVENLY FATHER can do this for me! I have been searching this whole time for someone to love me and the whole time MY FATHER was waiting for me to LOVE HIM! I cried oh so hard as I emotionally let go of that expectant spirit over my father.

I don' t want to paint a pretty picture, it was hard leaving my old life and jumping in head first into this new life. I missed all my old friends. I still saw them every once in a while but I did not hang out in bars anymore. I then knew that it was unhealthy to have LOTS of and ONLY guy friends (in the way I had them). I stopped talking to most of them. I did have some honest to goodness guy friends though and that was okay. L still came around every once in a while and took me out here and there. I harbored a "love" for him and secretly desired for us to be together again. I did everything to make him "proud" of me. That lasted until he got a new girlfriend. I had heard he was slipping back into old habits and that it was best if I just let that realationship fall away to where it will. Expect nothing from it! I did... I cried but I let go!

I started doubting my life and my purpose again and I started getting attacked HARD by spiritual warfare! I remember having so many hateful, hurtful thoughts and bringing in Frank and Linda to pray over me. They did...then they left me to fight the battle with my Father. I prayed, I screamed... the weather outside was getting TERRIBLE! Wind like none other, and thunder and lightning clashing all around the house outside! I cried, I fought, I prayed! I wanted peace, I wanted the devil to leave me alone and stop the lies of "I am never good enough!, I have done so many bad things, I would never be "clean", I was not worth it!" I was hurting for the truth! Finally in the midst of it all I cried myself to sleep. I awoke to snow outside! Even now typing this the tears flow! God redeemed me! He brought me out of the pit and made me new! He washed me in the blood and now I am as pure as snow! God is GOOD!!! He carried me when I grew faint and could no longer fight. Thank you JESUS!

*** I am going to give your eyes a break now and go relish in the love of my FATHER for the memory is so fresh and I cannot stop the tears! I am in LOVE with My FATHER! He will never leave me nor forsake me! He made me new and brought me out of so much. He has delivered me and cleaned me up and set me straight upon the path of righteousness!

I encourage you all to re-visit that place of acceptance from your Heavenly Father. Where did it begin for you ... re-visit that feeling of JUST KNOWING that HE was HOLDING YOU TIGHTLY as HE accepted you into HIS arms! It is breathtaking!

Story of ME! 7

hahaha okay I am feeling the flack (Thanks Jessica). I really am doing my best to sum this all up! It has been quite the roller coaster I tell you!

L started hanging out with this guy more and more and introduced me to his wife. They were wonderful people but the "too good to be true" type. I was skeptical of it all. We started hanging around church groups with their friends more and I felt the distance growing between me and L. I hated that! I KNEW HE WOULD LEAVE!

We were on our way to "Lifegroup" (a group of church members in the same season of life, ex... college group, 20's zone, elder's zone, young families.) with our new "friends" one evening and the wife (A) turned to me and started asking me some questions about my heart and why I was so shut off to Jesus and knowing HIM. I was bitter and hard-hearted, I knew they were trying to separate us and it was working on L. I told her we could talk about anything but my father. Then she asked me some questions about him (she didn't take to hints very well) and I lost it. I broke down my walls and let God in. I accepted Christ right there in the back seat of that car! (If you are lost and have more detailed questions feel free to email me... hahaha it is a summary here.. hehehe). That night I dumped a bag of weed down the toilet, threw away my cigarettes and gave all the alcohol in the fridge to the guys next door (had I thought about it a little harder I probably would have thrown it away too...). I turned away and never looked back! I knew the downward spiral I could not escape and I was ready for this change!

July 4th 2002 L and I both got baptized in the river in the city where we lived. I felt it was so significant to be baptized on Independance day! My chains are gone... I've been set free! Thank you JESUS! I cannot tell you how ALIVE I felt that moment! We celebrated like none other that day! My mother and father even came to see the blessed event but were told of the wrong location so they met us back at our house to have bbq and homemade ice cream with us. Oh did I not tell you that my mom and dad have by this time started dating again. YEP! hahaha. I guess about when I was 23 or something... they just started talking again and the next thing you know they are in LOVE all over again but it is completely different now because they have both changed tremendously! Crazy but cool.

Now comes the part of living together that needs to be addressed. We lived in a two bedroom house... both bedrooms fully furnished so I just move into the other bedroom. He carries on with his life as though he just got rid of a girlfriend and starts hanging out with some old friends again and doing all sorts of things. My heart gets broken and I turn to God. I didn't know what that looked like but I cried a lot and talked to HIM as though He were right there. I thought it felt kind of dumb at first but the amazing peace that came as I lay there talking the more I knew how real HE was to me!

In my heart I knew this living arrangement was still not pleasing to my FATHER but I didn't know what else to do. I just knew if I moved back to where I came from and back to that life that I would surely stumble and fall. My heart was torn.

One day I was home trying to figure out what on earth I was going to do, where I would move to. I didn't have a job so I didn't have any money saved up and I didn't have a degree to get into anything that would pay me to live on my own again. Not anything honest anyway. I had been a Chiropractic assistant for about a year but I had an application in all over town and nobody was hiring. Then a girl shows up that I had met at a Lifegroup meeting one night. Just out of the blue she comes knocking on the door.

I invite her in and she starts talking to me about our living arrangement and I tell her that I am trying so hard to figure out where to go but I am afraid of where I will end up. She then explains to me that she had been talking with her family about me living with them for a short time and that they wanted me to come live with them. WHAT!!! Totally out of my comfort zone!

sorry gotta go ... boys are up from naps! I know... absolute torture! Sorry! I will be back later tonight!

story of ME! part ....uummmm, oh yeah 6 (I think)

I thought that was all I could handle of that LOVING relationship and decided to hand the ring over and say good bye. He made me keep the ring and promised to leave me alone. (I am gathering quite the jewelry store at this point.

I went back to partying and bar life. Dated some different guys off and on. Lived life stoned and drunk and "having a blast", not knowing what I was really looking for.

I was staying back and forth from all kinds of friends houses. Finally I met a guy (L) that was really into me and I was just looking for "someone to love me" so we hit it off nicely. I moved in with him at his apartment and pretty much guaranteed him that I would hurt him to push him away... it was known of me. He pretty much promised me there was nothing I could do or say that would run him off. He wasn't joking... I tried HARD to push him away... several times! He stood by me just as promised!

He had it together and was my best friend, we were perfect for each other in so many ways. We moved into a house of our own and got engaged. We were together for (maybe 2 years???) and we were living the life. I didn't have to work and drove a brand new truck. Lived basically however we wanted and still partied together.

We really enjoyed going to garage sales and one afternoon we were driving home from a friends house and we spotted a yard sale with an antique table out on the front lawn (oh yeah we also had a thing for antiques). We decided we would stop and check into it. They wanted more than we were willing to pay and they asked if we were looking for a table (in general) and we said yes. The guy there told us that he had a different table in the garage but didn't know if his brother in law was willing to sell it, if we left our phone number he would check for us and call to let us know. Sure why not!

About a week later we were at home watching a movie and the phone rings. L went into the other room to talk and after about 30 minutes comes back into the room with me and looks completely shocked. So I say "GOOD YOU'RE BACK LET'S WATCH THE MOVIE!" Hahaha joking... I looked at him with an inquisitive eye and asked "what in the world was that about?"

"That was the guy from the garage sale and he said he wants to give us the antique table!... He said he and his wife were praying about it and felt like God told them to give us the table!"

(Great now these weirdos, who "talk" to "God" have our phone number!!!) "hmmmmm.... okaaaaaay"

(we had previously been looking for a church to attend... yes living in complete sin and looking for a church to attend every Sunday!)

So that was REALLY random. L goes to pick up the table that weekend and comes home and said.... "I gave my life to the LORD!!!"

(Insert blank, dumb look here) " What in the world are you talking about???" Remember I know hardly anything about the church and what all it entails... So like was "the LORD" coming to pick him up soon or something??? They are just going to hang out and be buddies now or what??? What does that mean, "I gave my life to the LORD???! It meant that our lives would be changed from that point on!

"wOrDlEsS wEdNeSdAy...

I am the happy one in the purple sweater. That is a small portion of my fam. My sis is in the pink pants with the stylin' smurf shirt! (Okay stop laughing now...you know you all have a dorky fam pic somewhere!)

This is me at 14 ish. holding a friend's little boy. I was going through most of my pictures and in 90% I am holding someone's child. hmmmm

Me with the infamous teddy bear (16 ish). Going through the "goth" days...(Caught off guard in my apparel.)

My sister's second wedding. (17ish) NICE!

21 ish

My friend and me (all my friends were guys... 'cept C)

The days right before salvation.

Story of me (part 5)

Needless to say the relationship with J ended soon after that and I moved in with C and her husband. I had started another job there in that city and met another guy (N)... yep... there's more. We dated for a little while but I wanted to be back with J so I broke things off with N and moved back in with J at his parents house. He treated me real bad now (I guess since I had put him through the wringer). But I wanted nothing more than to be with him so I tried my hardest to make everything work out.

We started partying pretty heavy. I found out I was pregnant AGAIN! I was actually happy about it. I "loved" this guy and he was talking about us working out and we could make this family work. Oh my goodness! I can keep it and you will be happy!?! All was going well and we stopped partying to keep the pregnancy healthy.

That lasted about two weeks and his "friends" were telling him all kinds of lies and he backed out on me. He told me he wanted for me to terminate this pregnancy and he wanted nothing more to do with me. I was destroyed! I was crying and just holding out hoping maybe he would change his mind and he would love me and want this baby too. Instead he came to me with the money in hand and an appointment. He drove me himself! Everything inside me was screaming and I wanted to run. I was just too dumb and didn't know anything else. This was the path I was so used to!

I left his parent's house and moved in with my uncle. Again the party life was by my side! I lived and breathed alcohol, weed and bars. A couple years passed and I crossed paths with N again and we fell madly in love...(oops... forgot the quotations)... "madly in love". He moved in with me at my cousins apartment, he started paying my way in life and soon we got engaged. It was a luxurious life...many fine material items. The emotional torment was very raw though... one night he had just gone mental trapping me in the apartment. I punched him and knocked us both backwards. I scrambled to my feet making a break for the door and he jumped up knocking me out of the way. I punched through the window screaming for help (I mean c'mon it's an apartment complex for crying out loud! Someone is bound to hear me!!!) The cops showed up and I was a sucker and wanted to protect him (c'mon guys, give me a break... he said he was sorry! HA!) I told them that "the guy had left" when he was really just hiding out in the other room.

I told him I was done. Gave him his ring and he left. AND then he returned again... crawling and begging and crying! okay okay okay! I have a soft (insert NAIVE) heart! We were "engaged" for a while... (wore the ring; knew I never really wanted to see the altar with this man). The last straw came when he kidnapped me... YEP, that was it!

He fed himself lies so much he actually believed himself and one night he had gotten really jealous (I am still lost as to why!) and he said "let's leave right now!" (we were at a bar) and I was like..."ummmm, oooookaaaay?". My cousin was the bartender there and she was looking at me like "he's nuts... you need to dump him!" He grabbed my arm and jerked me out the door. Then proceeded to yell at me for random things... all I could do was laugh! It was terrible! He threw me in his truck and sped off. We stopped to get gas (What good is a kidnapping if you don't have enough gas to make it out of town!!! hahhahahhahaha) so I got out and tried running. He caught me and threw me back in the truck locking the door...but smart one says... if you pull on the handle from the INSIDE it unlocks!!! hahahaha I ran off at least 3 times and he took off and caught me everytime. (I was in Doc boots and he is FAST!)

Finally after getting a couple drops of gas in the tank between catching me and hahaha LOCKING MY DOOR a worker comes out and stands there looking at us... he then goes on to change the trash liner where we were parked. (Chicken! What? you don't want in on this game too??) We speed off and are flying down the interstate. We pass a cop that had pulled someone over and I open the door and start dangling out the door hoping he would find that illegal and stop us. NOPE! I would have jumped but N caught my pants and was holding on swerving as I dangled out the door! (A real soap opera ladies and gents).

I figured I may as well tag along for the ride, afterall I was the guest of honor! I pretended to be asleep so to throw him off. When he slowed down I would jump out then. Well I don't know how he managed to drive for an hour with no stop signs or lights... maybe he just ran them, ya think?!

Soon we had hit a gravel road and in my mind I am thinking "great he's about to kill me and dump me off on this old gravel road and nobody will ever know". He slows down to about 45-50 mph and I figure there would never be another opportunity so I open the door and jump having no idea where I was. All I remember was my feet hitting the ground, hearing beer bottles hit the road and bright flash of light and nothing. Complete black. In about a minute I come to and I try to get up to run but all I could do was look and I saw the tail lights and reverse lights coming straight for me. The truck skid to a stop a few feet in front of me and I just lay down for lack of feeling in my legs. He got out and came running up to me, he picked me up off the ground and I then told him I could not feel my legs. He takes me over to the truck and "stands me up" so he can open the door. UM YEAH... I told you "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS" so he picks me up off the ground AGAIN and puts me in the truck. He drives me to his grandparent's house. Apparently that's where we had been going that whole time. Well why didn't you say so, I would have made some hors d' ourvs, hors d' urvs, some snacks.

He parks in the driveway and goes inside (fyi... it is really late in the night at this point). I start trying to move my legs and get enough gelatin to wiggle that I jump back out of the truck and wobble across the road to an abandoned parking lot with a pay phone. I am trying to remember my cousins cell no but cannot. I hide in a dark shadow hoping that I can hide out til morning when things open.

He begins driving around the parking lot and spots me. He takes me over to his grandparent's house (they loved me) and they got me cleaned up and gave me some pajamas to sleep in and made sure he stayed FAR AWAY from me. His grandmother came in and prayed over me. I cried, I felt so lost.

story of ME! (part 4)

I pretty much became very insecure and started pushing him away before he could be the one to run out on me and hurt me. Seeing that he was this wonderful looking creature with a great physique to boot I just knew there would be someone to come along and lure him in their direction... I mean why not... it is what I have known. So I start being real ugly (and probably emotionally abusive). After a while he had had enough and said goodbye... it really was a sorrowful parting. I was not pleased but I "knew it was for the best" HA! We even tried to remain friends but he had to bail when he saw the life I was falling into.

I turned into quite the party animal. I lived on my own and had no one to answer to. I did what I pleased and hurt myself more than I knew I could. Drugs, Alcohol and WHATEVER I WANTED! I had LOTS of "boyfriends"; we will call them for sake of keeping this PG. I didn't care anymore. I "knew" that was the only thing men wanted...right?! I had tons of friends now and didn't need to be tied down to just one of anything.

I started working at a "Gentleman's club" (Nothing Gentleman about it!) as a waitress. They tried to talk me into dancing but even I drew the line somewhere! I couldn't fathom getting up there like that (besides, I made more than the dancers did... hahaha) ... Those girls made my heart sad. I saw them in all their BONDAGE.. .some not even old enough to be out there but lying to make a living. Some with children at home and families to support! Oh my goodness! I truly have a heart for those girls now! But I worked there and committed many a sin! I lived a fast, "fun" life. OUT OF CONTROL!

After about a year I quit the club job. I got an honest job and made decent money. I stayed with that for about 6 months and ended up getting real bad sick with the flu and bronchitis. When I returned they fired me. I lost my job then soon to follow I lost my house. I moved back in with my dad. Very hard season of my life. By this time he had started his business out of his home... He has a motorcycle shop (imagine that). I went to work in his shop tearing down and working on motorcycles (I know, I know...but I come by it naturally). I became quite the grease monkey and felt so stuck. I hated being there because I felt like I could not escape, but I had no where else to go really so I didn't want to leave. I did at least have a car so I was not completely at a loss! Just the pressure of disappointment loomed over my head with my father.

I would go back and forth from my "friend's" house and my dad's house. I started staying in "my other city" (oh yeah I live in TEXAS. Born and raised!) more and more, hanging out with my party animal friends up there. It is all a fast track memory now so it passes me by but I do know I got involved with many different guys, so much so I don't remember all of them anymore.

I got hung up on this one guy that my 'friend' had told me about. (Just to clarify... I call her "friend" because she is just that! There has always been drama to follow this gal and I got caught up in her little game as well...not much of a friend if you ask me!) She told me he had been asking about me since a party he had seen me at once... (back then I was WAY CUTE and tan and way smaller (size 4-6ish)) I "knew" I had it going on and flaunted where I knew the attention was... Little did I know I just needed my Father's love!

I started a serious relationship with this guy and we ended up getting an apartment together. We dated for about a year I guess. In that year I fell in love with this guy. I finally submitted to my feelings and allowed myself to go there! I saw him turn from the party life (like I) and commit to being my all in all! Dun duh duh duuuuh.... here comes the evil little girl again! Yep the worst came out in me again! I could not help myself. I knew that if I didn't run him off then I was going to hurt him somehow and he was going to leave me for someone else! So I started being real mean and tormenting him with words and actions. My "friend" had befriended my old boyfriend (the HOT one) and started calling him over to her house and would call me over to "accidentally run into him". We (the ex and I) eventually started hanging out and I felt terrible that I was capable of hurting this other guy that I "loved". Well the bf found out one day that my ex was over there with me (he came to find me because he was SERVING ME by doing my laundry and needed to ask me a question... uuggghhhhh the shame). I had no idea that D (the EX) would be there but C (my "friend") had called me over because "she needed me to come help her with wedding plans (hers)". Oh but what she failed to tell me was that she had called D over first and he showed up shortly after I did. So when J (then boyfriend) came over he saw D there and got real angry! They eventually fought... and fought. A real bad fight. Black eyes, lots of blood and a trip to jail were involved. Man did I feel awful! I was losing control AGAIN! Why did I have feelings?