continuation of ...7

Way out of my comfort zone. I cried hard that night for fear of losing control of my environment. I talked to L about it and of course he was encouraging me to take this step. It would be good for me and even possibly our relationship (which was DEFINITELY dwindling).

I called this dear girl the next day or two and let her know that I would indeed move in with her family if they were still up for it! I cannot tell you how scared I was. What if they don't like me. I don't have a record of people JUST liking me (or so I thought). This family is a God fearing, church centered family. I am a cast off daughter of a biker and a hippie that has lived such a SINFUL life. What on earth are they going to do to me. Their house is going to burn down as soon as I set foot in the door. They are going to lock me in my room in fear for their lives. They are going to send me packing as soon as I open my uneducated mouth to speak. It was so intense, the anxiety was overwhelming me, I curled up on my bed that night and prayed and fell asleep in PEACE!

The next day I packed my, um, suitcase and a couple boxes that would go to my father's house. I could not take my cat which really hurt. Everywhere I have lived I have had a pet and have always had to leave it behind, breaks my heart really. So anyway... I call Tina up and tell her I am ready to go. I look around one last time and bawl my eyes out and get ready for the change of a life time (as well as a house fire that is sure to happen upon my arrival!)

I get there and it is just Tina and me for the first part of it all. I get settled into her room that we would be sharing now. I mean I will be sleeping in the same bed as this girl. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER REALLY! Then her parents came home and met me... They didn't throw water on my face or hold up a cross while speaking Latin and I didn't say anything to incriminate myself so we were off to a good start I'd say (Oh and there was no sign of smoke or flames anywhere... YESSSS!). Weird part was that they seemed like just a nice couple of people.

We sat in with her parents after getting all my things put away and visited. Some "ground rules" were laid (if I smoke... do so outside... I didn't need that rule.) but mainly we just got to know eachother. They told me that they were willing to offer a place to stay for two weeks, a month at most. Okay... it's a start! Tina's little sister Amy came home later that week from Summer church camp. I met her and fell in love with her little 15 year old personality. She was so unlike me at that age. She was so innocent and precious! She and I made a friendship that would last forever!

I let them know that I am interested in attending college ( I have no idea why, I hated school! Oh yeah the money thing. I needed some and a good career never hurt anyone!). Linda (The mother) starts helping me make phone calls for grants for college.

My 24th birthday comes about two weeks later and I am blown away at how special and celebrated I felt. I cannot remember the last birthday party that was actually thrown in my honor! I know I had some.. I think! On that day I received a card that was more precious to me than any gift I would receive. a "coupon" for "one whole school year room and board at the Fyke home. (The family I lived with). They were so kind to me and treated me like a guest of honor.

Over time I was enrolled in a community college for Radiology Technician (I am looking to make GOOD money!). I get grants to cover my total tuition with some to boot. I finally was awarded my own room. They turned their family computer room/ office into a small bedroom for me. I was so blessed to live among such people. They lived the true example of Christ and I wanted what they had. They were real, they had real issues but they handled them in a way that was so surreal. Sure they had arguments but the knew LOVE and PATIENCE! They were never ANGRY (so that I saw). They showed me what it was to be a Godly person.

I started reading the Bible in a more detailed way and hungering more and more for the fruit that I saw constantly. I got it out of reading and journaling and meditating on scripture (reading it and re-reading it and writing down what I was feeling about that scripture. If I had any questions I went to one of the parents and asked. We would discuss my question and I would be filled with more life. They became my spiritual family. The family I craved my whole life but never knew until now.

Then came the day that I had to come to terms with the unhealthy relationship with my father. I got a phone call one day while working with a friend of the family; I was told that my father had been in a motorcycle wreck and was in the hospital pretty bad off. I LOST IT!!! Completely lost it! Crying, snot flying, shaking... lost it!

I was confronted later that evening by Frank (the father) and he explained to me this relationship I had with my father was unhealthy. I had so much NEED of my father to be a FATHER and he could never be anything more for me than what he was... a human. I needed so much acceptance from him and to be loved by him and to know I was needed by him. All in a very unhealthy manner. They (Frank and Linda) explained it like this. I have an ATM card and I am swiping away but there is no money in the ATM. I am not going to get anything but and insufficient funds notice every time. My father, being the worldly man that he is, cannot fill me up spiritually and cannot give me the love that my heart truly desires. Only MY HEAVENLY FATHER can do this for me! I have been searching this whole time for someone to love me and the whole time MY FATHER was waiting for me to LOVE HIM! I cried oh so hard as I emotionally let go of that expectant spirit over my father.

I don' t want to paint a pretty picture, it was hard leaving my old life and jumping in head first into this new life. I missed all my old friends. I still saw them every once in a while but I did not hang out in bars anymore. I then knew that it was unhealthy to have LOTS of and ONLY guy friends (in the way I had them). I stopped talking to most of them. I did have some honest to goodness guy friends though and that was okay. L still came around every once in a while and took me out here and there. I harbored a "love" for him and secretly desired for us to be together again. I did everything to make him "proud" of me. That lasted until he got a new girlfriend. I had heard he was slipping back into old habits and that it was best if I just let that realationship fall away to where it will. Expect nothing from it! I did... I cried but I let go!

I started doubting my life and my purpose again and I started getting attacked HARD by spiritual warfare! I remember having so many hateful, hurtful thoughts and bringing in Frank and Linda to pray over me. They did...then they left me to fight the battle with my Father. I prayed, I screamed... the weather outside was getting TERRIBLE! Wind like none other, and thunder and lightning clashing all around the house outside! I cried, I fought, I prayed! I wanted peace, I wanted the devil to leave me alone and stop the lies of "I am never good enough!, I have done so many bad things, I would never be "clean", I was not worth it!" I was hurting for the truth! Finally in the midst of it all I cried myself to sleep. I awoke to snow outside! Even now typing this the tears flow! God redeemed me! He brought me out of the pit and made me new! He washed me in the blood and now I am as pure as snow! God is GOOD!!! He carried me when I grew faint and could no longer fight. Thank you JESUS!

*** I am going to give your eyes a break now and go relish in the love of my FATHER for the memory is so fresh and I cannot stop the tears! I am in LOVE with My FATHER! He will never leave me nor forsake me! He made me new and brought me out of so much. He has delivered me and cleaned me up and set me straight upon the path of righteousness!

I encourage you all to re-visit that place of acceptance from your Heavenly Father. Where did it begin for you ... re-visit that feeling of JUST KNOWING that HE was HOLDING YOU TIGHTLY as HE accepted you into HIS arms! It is breathtaking!