Story of Us part 1

Okay so now that we are married I will give you the story of us.

I was about to start my third year of Radiology and I began filling out paperwork to receive financial aid again. I had to change ALL of my information 'cept my shoe size and my first name. It ended up that I did not qualify for grants again and I didn't want to go the student loan route. J and I prayed about it and what I should do from here on out. We BOTH felt like the LORD said to "stay home and raise your family"... hahahahaha. To me that was hysterical because I was all about career and I was going to have one AND I was going to make lots of money doing it! I was not about to be stuck in the life I was so used to, being poor. My mother didn't stay home with us, my sister didn't stay home with her children. I wasn't prepared to stay home and "raise a family". J and I had talked about waiting a year after we were married and then "TALKING" about having children SOMEDAY! I knew it was a possibility, but c'mon... this early!???!

I fought and fought. I tried just about everything and still could not get any grants. I felt like I was supposed to continue working with my then boss. We did decorative painting and faux finishing in HUGE fancy shmancy houses. We've just about painted our hole church. So the jobs were off and on and were not very secure. We sometimes went months without a job. But that is where God wanted me... so there I stayed (don't get me wrong... I loved it!).

So I started praying for God's will, not my own! I prayed and asked God what He wanted of me. About a month after we were married I felt like God said "It's time to start your family". Hysterical laughing controlled my body for about an hour. "God, not to seem snotty... but REALLY! YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!!! WE ARE POOR REMEMBER... THE NO RADIOLOGY THING!!! WHERE DO YOU WANT THAT WE WOULD PUT A CHILD IN THIS ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT???!!!" SSsoooooo needless to say I ignored God's will and went on about MY life. Every morning in my quiet time I would hear it over and over again..."it's time to start your family". "NO!".... next morning "it's time to sta........", "God, you know what... if this is so important to you and IF this is REALLY your heart for us right now then YOU tell J in his quiet time. I am not saying a word to him!!!"

The next morning J comes to me "Honey, I know this is strange and I don't really know what to make of it. I know we talked about waiting a year before even talking about children but I REALLY feel like God is saying 'It is time to start our family'" hahahaaha... Can you say a DUMB LOOK crept across my face! "What did you just say to me??? You know what, don't even repeat it! I don't want to hear it!" We discussed it and decided that it was indeed God's will apparently and we should not disobey! Oh how I could have ignored that for the rest of my life!

It took us 8 months of "trying" before we succeeded. In March of 05 I found out I was pregnant. (Can we say Valentine's Day baby... hehehe) FINALLY! I was REALLY sick but everything seemed to be going normal. I always had disturbing dreams about my baby dying though. In my dream I knew I had had a baby but could never find her/him. I would look frantically and by the time I found them it would be too late. The baby would be freezing cold and I could not warm him/her or save them. It would die. I had this dream several times throughout the pregnancy.

We moved from our tiny one bedroom apt into a two bedroom duplex on a VERY busy street in town. Just the smell of the place made me sick to my stomach... add on top of that the pregnancy.. I was in bulimia heaven. I could keep nothing down AND I couldn't get off the couch. Finally about the 4th month I finally was able to venture around our "new" home. I HATED IT! I cried... this is not what I wanted for my life!!! I want the country and a real home without being able to hear people through your walls. We had stinkin' burglar bars on all our windows... we would awake to gunshots throughout the neighborhood! Oh well...."God protect us!"

About my 6th month I was cruising through this pregnancy thing. I was feeling HER kick and squirm all the time. I loved it. I (we) were planning her nursery and how we would raise her. Our little Olivia Grace, She was so precious. One morning I was praying and asking God to reveal Himself to me that day. To give me a scripture to meditate on for the day. I waited and waited and then felt the scripture Isaiah 54 enter into my heart. Hmmmm, "Okay... I've not spent a lot of time in that book, let's see what's in store for us this day."

"Sing,O childless woman! Break forth into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, even though you never gave birth to a child. For the woman who could bear no children now has more than all the other women," says the LORD. "Enlarge your house; build and addition; spread out your home! For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will take over other nations and live in their cities." (Isaiah 54:1-3 'Life Application Study Bible, NLT) Hmmmm Okay..."Clearly that scripture is not talking about me... I am nearly 6 months pregnant and I am going to have a child." So I go on about my day shaking off the randomness of that quiet time.

Then later that day our dreams would come crashing down around us! I went out with some friends of mine earlier that day and had started having severe back pains. We were walking around a 3 story antique store shopping. I could not continue on. I started feeling faint and really sore. I was "leaking" some weird stuff (sorry for the graphics) and felt I needed to go home and relax. I thought all of this was normal and I was just on my feet too long, walking.

Later my mother comes up and we go out and have dinner. We ordered and I could not eat. I felt so sick to my stomach. I was weak and felt like I was going to pass out. I told J I needed to just go home and relax. My mother finally went home after much reassuring (from us) that I would be okay. Finally the back pains were so intense I could neither lay or sit, much less stand. J called my friend M who works in the ER in the hospital close by and explains to her what is going on with me. She has also had two children so she knows a little somthin'... she tells him to get me straight to L&D and that I am in labor. "WHAT"!!! We start freaking out of course. I get there and am in severe pain by this time. They wheel me to a room and hook me up to all sorts of gadgets. I am feeling our daughter move around and kick me in some "new" places. We were there for a while before anyone really had a "clue" what was going on.

They came in with some paperwork for me to sign. The nurse told me it was standard for me to sign the paperwork..."it is basically just stating that you give this dr (who is not MY dr) permission to deliver you if you do in fact deliver...which you won't... you are not in labor and you are not dilated. You are just having braxton hicks contractions". "And IF YOU DO deliver there is nothing we can do to save your baby, she is too premature. 24 weeks is considered viable and we could try with many complications to be assured, 23 weeks is just to early we can do nothing." I knew I was 23 weeks and 5 days and so I STRESSED "YOU ARE SURE I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY!" The nurse kept reassuring me and the Dr. even came in and told me that I was indeed not in labor. Hesitantly, I signed the paperwork.

Oh how wrong they were!

That night they put us in a room and gave me some Demerol so that I could sleep through the "braxton hicks contractions". Along with some Ambien... I was feeling good. I fell asleep for about 4 hours. 6 AM I awoke with some serious pain. I shot up in bed and screamed for ANYBODY! J sat up on his cot and nurses came rushing in. I could not lay down for the pain and I couldn't sit up, I was hurting BAD! They started wheeling me down to L&D... J started getting sick. He joins us in L&D and I am going into labor. He gets on the phone with his family and calls in prayer warriors... soon everyone was at the hospital just in time to meet our little Olivia Grace. She was born at 6:01 AM. She weighed 1.5 lbs she was 12' long. She was so precious. She was fighting so hard to breathe and gasping for air. She was moving around in an attempt at life. The nurses just looked on. I watched our little girl gasp for her last breath 30 minutes later and fall still in my arms. My dad entered the room where I was laying in my bed holding my deceased daughter and he came and wrapped his arms around me and told me "it's okay to cry baby, let it out." I bawled like I have never bawled in my life. I wept and sobbed uncontrollably. My whole body shook. I needed my daddy! I needed to know that he accepted me even in my failures (which, to me, was what this was... I failed, even at this).

A couple days later we got to see her again and then lay her to rest in the ground. I woke that morning at our home and knew I could not go through with it. I would not be able to stop crying. So I got out of bed with the attitude "I am just going to weep this morning so I can get it "over with" for a while. That way I can hold it together during the viewing and burial." I tried so hard to cry... I couldn't. I felt the peace pour over me and I knew I was wrapped in my FATHER'S ARMS.

We had a small ceremony and I got up and shared the love of Christ to all those who attended. I don't know how I did it but God gave me strength, wisdom and words to speak.... so I did. I made her little life count and by golly I was going to use her life to GLORIFY GOD even in the midst of my pain, and suffering. I was told later that my dad was even crying (I have never seen this man cry). Thank you Jesus for softening the ground for the seeds to be planted!

We go home to an empty house and are blessed by the love and support of so many friends and family around us. Meals were brought, cards were sent, donations made (so J could stay home and look after me for a while longer than work would provide). We were experiencing HIS love and provision in our time of great need. God held us so tightly even though I screamed at HIM. I beat on HIS chest. I Hated what "HE had chose for us!". But I knew He loved me.