story of ME! (part 4)

I pretty much became very insecure and started pushing him away before he could be the one to run out on me and hurt me. Seeing that he was this wonderful looking creature with a great physique to boot I just knew there would be someone to come along and lure him in their direction... I mean why not... it is what I have known. So I start being real ugly (and probably emotionally abusive). After a while he had had enough and said goodbye... it really was a sorrowful parting. I was not pleased but I "knew it was for the best" HA! We even tried to remain friends but he had to bail when he saw the life I was falling into.

I turned into quite the party animal. I lived on my own and had no one to answer to. I did what I pleased and hurt myself more than I knew I could. Drugs, Alcohol and WHATEVER I WANTED! I had LOTS of "boyfriends"; we will call them for sake of keeping this PG. I didn't care anymore. I "knew" that was the only thing men wanted...right?! I had tons of friends now and didn't need to be tied down to just one of anything.

I started working at a "Gentleman's club" (Nothing Gentleman about it!) as a waitress. They tried to talk me into dancing but even I drew the line somewhere! I couldn't fathom getting up there like that (besides, I made more than the dancers did... hahaha) ... Those girls made my heart sad. I saw them in all their BONDAGE.. .some not even old enough to be out there but lying to make a living. Some with children at home and families to support! Oh my goodness! I truly have a heart for those girls now! But I worked there and committed many a sin! I lived a fast, "fun" life. OUT OF CONTROL!

After about a year I quit the club job. I got an honest job and made decent money. I stayed with that for about 6 months and ended up getting real bad sick with the flu and bronchitis. When I returned they fired me. I lost my job then soon to follow I lost my house. I moved back in with my dad. Very hard season of my life. By this time he had started his business out of his home... He has a motorcycle shop (imagine that). I went to work in his shop tearing down and working on motorcycles (I know, I know...but I come by it naturally). I became quite the grease monkey and felt so stuck. I hated being there because I felt like I could not escape, but I had no where else to go really so I didn't want to leave. I did at least have a car so I was not completely at a loss! Just the pressure of disappointment loomed over my head with my father.

I would go back and forth from my "friend's" house and my dad's house. I started staying in "my other city" (oh yeah I live in TEXAS. Born and raised!) more and more, hanging out with my party animal friends up there. It is all a fast track memory now so it passes me by but I do know I got involved with many different guys, so much so I don't remember all of them anymore.

I got hung up on this one guy that my 'friend' had told me about. (Just to clarify... I call her "friend" because she is just that! There has always been drama to follow this gal and I got caught up in her little game as well...not much of a friend if you ask me!) She told me he had been asking about me since a party he had seen me at once... (back then I was WAY CUTE and tan and way smaller (size 4-6ish)) I "knew" I had it going on and flaunted where I knew the attention was... Little did I know I just needed my Father's love!

I started a serious relationship with this guy and we ended up getting an apartment together. We dated for about a year I guess. In that year I fell in love with this guy. I finally submitted to my feelings and allowed myself to go there! I saw him turn from the party life (like I) and commit to being my all in all! Dun duh duh duuuuh.... here comes the evil little girl again! Yep the worst came out in me again! I could not help myself. I knew that if I didn't run him off then I was going to hurt him somehow and he was going to leave me for someone else! So I started being real mean and tormenting him with words and actions. My "friend" had befriended my old boyfriend (the HOT one) and started calling him over to her house and would call me over to "accidentally run into him". We (the ex and I) eventually started hanging out and I felt terrible that I was capable of hurting this other guy that I "loved". Well the bf found out one day that my ex was over there with me (he came to find me because he was SERVING ME by doing my laundry and needed to ask me a question... uuggghhhhh the shame). I had no idea that D (the EX) would be there but C (my "friend") had called me over because "she needed me to come help her with wedding plans (hers)". Oh but what she failed to tell me was that she had called D over first and he showed up shortly after I did. So when J (then boyfriend) came over he saw D there and got real angry! They eventually fought... and fought. A real bad fight. Black eyes, lots of blood and a trip to jail were involved. Man did I feel awful! I was losing control AGAIN! Why did I have feelings?