Story of ME! (part 3)

Did I mention I was engaged to this guy? We were engaged, rings bought and everything, and I thought he was what I deserved due to no one ever paying attention to me. I thought "he is the only one that is going to ever want me!" Especially now.

He calls me at work one night to tell me that he is cheating on me and cannot go on in our relationship after what he had done to me.... (can we say LOSER EXCUSE). Of course back then that meant my world was falling apart. I started hyperventilating and could not stop crying. My sister found me outside damaging myself and she and her husband rush me to the ER. From there I get admitted to the Woods Psychiatric Center. I was suicidal! Now that I look at it it was all pretty stinkin' ridiculous, but then, I wanted to end it all! I don't really remember how long I was there but being in there made me know that I did not belong there either. Those poor girls had serious issues other than a fiance cheating on them and dumping them. I hated it there. I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry and they made you come out of your room and have "group time"... They took your shoe laces and you could not shave your legs because you were not allowed razors.

My mother came one day and I begged and pleaded with her to take me home. She did but she then sent me to live with my father (he had calmed down a lot from the extensive party life). He had always been the figure in my life (when he was there) that said jump and I didn't even ask questions I just jumped 'til my legs fell off! I OBEYED! I was terrified of the man... in a very unhealthy way. I just wanted him to be pleased by me and wanted to do everything right.

I went to live with my dad and it was pretty torturous. I am just like him in the way that I like to be left alone and you could tell I made his skin crawl just being there (or so it seemed). Sad thing was I did my best to stay out of his way and not speak to him unless he asked me a question.

There was a guy that would come visit me down there. My friend's brother had taken a liking to me (yeah... or something). He showed up with a huge teddy bear (still have it hahaha) and a "promise" ring...(remember those???). I of course denied him and he stopped coming around.

I was getting sick a lot and felt terrible. I was terribly emotional and cried at the drop of a hat. One night we were watching television, my dad and I, and there was a commercial on that was talking about pregnancy... he turned to me and asked "is that what's wrong with you?". I just lost it. I was pregnant again, and had really just figured it out myself. I thought he was going to shoot me right then and there. But he didn't head for his artillery cabinet, he just sat there in silence...(just shoot me PLEASE!). He came and sat beside me on the couch and held me. I cried harder that day than I would again for a very long time! He asked me what I wanted to do...only he explained that we could make it work and everything would be okay. I of course was tainted in my thinking and thought the only thing to do was "run from my problems" (I could slap me right now!) I went through with it again! More abyss... more loss... more spiral!

I carried on with life and hated myself for everything I had done. I hung out a lot with my cousin... the daughter of my churchgoing aunt.. yeah, that one. She is 5 months younger than I am so we had a lot in common with interests. She is a favorite with my dad also so that was a plus. She started coming down a lot to stay with us for the weekends and we drove all over the town (I was 17 but didn't have a license yet due to getting my GED and not having taken the driver's class yet, I did, however have a car. An '84 Monte Carlo SS and it was FAST!) We had so much fun. We were bought wine coolers and she smoked (away from her mom) so we had cigarettes ( I smoked when my dad wasn't watching)... We lived the "cool" life that most young kids wished they could (the bad ones anyway).

She got involved with this one guy and he started coming down with her. Soon he started bringing his friend along for the ride. He was big, muscular and of Italian descent; Man he was HOT, he was very polite as well! Weird thing was, my dad even approved of him. We started "dating" soon after. We mainly just hung out at my dad's house. We lived a whirlwind romantic life. He asked me one day what I would do if he asked me to marry him. I told him I would laugh at him. He teared up and we had a huge argument about what marriage meant (it was corrupt in my mind and he had it together). So he never asked and we just stayed BF/GF. We got a house together in the town my dad lived in. We lived there until the whirlwind turned into a tornado.