Bittersweet...

We are now with one child. Not that that is a bad thing, it is just going to take some time getting used to the new routine around our home. It all seems so surreal; Like he is just away for a time but every time I think of putting him in his car seat in the CPS car I think of the fact that I will never see that sweet little face again. It breaks my heart and I have wept good and hard but I do know that God is bigger and he has great things in store for Moe. I am still praying that the new family will see fit to send updates and pictures. Maybe Johnny and I can even take a trip to Houston sometime to visit.
I am having to pack up the little things here that stayed behind... I tell you it doesn't get more real than when you go to his little crib and he is not in there and you think "he will never lie down in that bed again... we will never see him in there again or he will never play with these toys again." It is sobering. My arms miss him and my heart longs to hold him again and see that sweet smile. I have missed him all day. We went out to lunch together, just the 3 of us after Moe left and ran some errands in town and it was definitely a lot easier with one infant but subconsciously I would go to his car door to get him out and there was nothing to get but Bears sippy cup.
I know this is probably depressing to some of you; and to some of you you are thinking, How can she do it... It is prayer that is helping us face this season of life. And we do appreciate you and your prayer support. We would fail to stand strong if it were not for your standing in the gap on our behalf when we are too weak. We will be okay; We will make it through this too. God never gives us more than we can handle and for that I am thankful.
We are now looking forward to the Sept 9 final termination hearing for Bear. God please see us fit to adopt Bear and raise him as our own. This is going to take some strength to get through this as well. We are going to be meeting with the bio mom (we've never so much as seen her yet) and her attorney face to face to discuss mediation and what she would like to get out of his adoption. hmmmmm we will see what happens with that. For now that is what we have to focus on and pray through. It will be a little easier now with just Bear to focus on seeing that he is going through this dramatic phase of life. (By the way I am taking any and all suggestions on how to deal with a 10 month old BOY Ü ! WOW!!!)
We will continue fostering infants after this is all said and done. No, this is not easy but when is it that God calls you to do something EASY that is for HIS GLORY!!! I have always heard that if you do not have to work hard at getting it then it is usually not worth having. It is now that we will see the goodness of God; when everything realistically seems that it could, in no way, be good. "God let your Glory fall... as on that ancient day. "

The day before...

Today is our final day with Moe. I am having a hard time breathing and knowing that he will be leaving tomorrow at this same time. My heart is aching and there's no power I have to stop it. I have raised this child for 4 months and now have to just hand him over to people he doesn't even know. I don't even know them. Think about your own children.... raising them for 4 months of their lives and saying to some stranger (except we don't get to even talk to them; i have to send a letter about him) here is my baby I have devoted my life to for the past 4 months but here you go. Good luck with him. And if he needs me, well there's nothing he can do about it he will just have to figure out that you are taking care of him now and think I, the only Mommy he knows that has taken care of him and comforted him and smiled with and talked to him most of his life, have abandoned him like the others. I HATE THIS FEELING... Like I am failing my son... only he's not MY son I am again reminded.
I know that he is indeed God's son and He will be watching over Moe even if I cannot be there. I have to trust that we did the best we could in raising him the way that God intended for the time permitted. I KNOW these things to be true of God. He is never wrong in His timing and He is never wrong in anything He does. Everything is for the Glory of our God. Let's just pray that Moe's whole family will come to know the Lord through this whole experience.
My heart is heavy but I have to proclaim the goodness otherwise the devil will find his way in. WE DO NOT WANT THAT!!! And we will not allow it in our home. AMEN!!!

Beware... venting in progress....

I am in a blah state of being right now. I feel like the enemy is really working on me for destruction. I have been worn real thin in the nerve department and it seems that everyone and everything is dancing all over the thin areas. I am sure it is just because they are already fraying that it feels any different now. I can't seem to function or focus on anything and it seems that somewhere a schedule I once had doesn't exist anymore. I mean I keep our kids on their schedule and all but for some reason it seems that I don't have me time anymore and I am losing my mind trying to keep up with all the demands running around here. AND THEN THE PHONE RINGS, AND RINGS, AND RINGS. If you've ever been one that calls me you hear the same thing every time you call... the out of breathness because I had to stop something to sprint across the house to find our phone and then the frustration because I am too busy for my own self. ON TOP OF the fact that I now have a 10 mo old that is being real clingy and is teething so he is cranky A LOT (i love him but WOW). HELP! AND I can't find my car keys. I think it is because my husband is home that my schedule has become so hectic; it's like having a third kid hanging on you for the day following you around, except at night around 6 he goes to work and then I can finally relax. Once Johnny starts a regular schedule with teaching I am really hoping that will help our marriage level out and me stop being so frustrated with him being around me all the time and then never seeing him; back and forth for college classes and semesters. So after 6P I get the kiddos bathed and read to, prayed over and then down for the night. I then dive into one of the many projects on my plate and don't have a single bit of enthusiasm to want to do any of it but know that I have to get it done. UGGHHHH! Anyone ever feel that way? Any pointers on how to get out of this funk and grab hold of the Father's garment and climb out of the pit???? I need some up lift in the spiritual dept. BAD!!! And some pointers on how to deal with a husband that doesn't seem to read into THE WRITING ON THE WALL and just hear me when I say I need to be left alone to think without a constant sound going on. I know that he is just wanting to be with me and spend time with me but what he doesn't see is that I don't have a single moment all day without someone NEEDING ME! I love taking care of my boys but c'mon my husband should not follow me around in a daze not knowing what he should be doing. I feel like I have to think for everyone. So by the end of the day I feel like I am spending the time reeling my arms and legs back in from being pulled in 20 different directions for the day. By the time I finally unwind (about midnight) my husband comes back home. I am thankful he does at least come back home. Ü

Okay I am through venting. I just needed to get that out in the open air to be able to breathe. I feel like I need to just have a day to sleep all day and not have a single thing to worry about. I would like time to stand still for a whole day; like a time warp zone that we wives, mothers, daughters, friends, sisters, Aunts can climb into when life is too overwhelming for the moment and just escape for as long as we want and time stands still on the other side. That would be great! Thanks for listening...reading....