story of ME! (part 4)

I pretty much became very insecure and started pushing him away before he could be the one to run out on me and hurt me. Seeing that he was this wonderful looking creature with a great physique to boot I just knew there would be someone to come along and lure him in their direction... I mean why not... it is what I have known. So I start being real ugly (and probably emotionally abusive). After a while he had had enough and said goodbye... it really was a sorrowful parting. I was not pleased but I "knew it was for the best" HA! We even tried to remain friends but he had to bail when he saw the life I was falling into.

I turned into quite the party animal. I lived on my own and had no one to answer to. I did what I pleased and hurt myself more than I knew I could. Drugs, Alcohol and WHATEVER I WANTED! I had LOTS of "boyfriends"; we will call them for sake of keeping this PG. I didn't care anymore. I "knew" that was the only thing men wanted...right?! I had tons of friends now and didn't need to be tied down to just one of anything.

I started working at a "Gentleman's club" (Nothing Gentleman about it!) as a waitress. They tried to talk me into dancing but even I drew the line somewhere! I couldn't fathom getting up there like that (besides, I made more than the dancers did... hahaha) ... Those girls made my heart sad. I saw them in all their BONDAGE.. .some not even old enough to be out there but lying to make a living. Some with children at home and families to support! Oh my goodness! I truly have a heart for those girls now! But I worked there and committed many a sin! I lived a fast, "fun" life. OUT OF CONTROL!

After about a year I quit the club job. I got an honest job and made decent money. I stayed with that for about 6 months and ended up getting real bad sick with the flu and bronchitis. When I returned they fired me. I lost my job then soon to follow I lost my house. I moved back in with my dad. Very hard season of my life. By this time he had started his business out of his home... He has a motorcycle shop (imagine that). I went to work in his shop tearing down and working on motorcycles (I know, I know...but I come by it naturally). I became quite the grease monkey and felt so stuck. I hated being there because I felt like I could not escape, but I had no where else to go really so I didn't want to leave. I did at least have a car so I was not completely at a loss! Just the pressure of disappointment loomed over my head with my father.

I would go back and forth from my "friend's" house and my dad's house. I started staying in "my other city" (oh yeah I live in TEXAS. Born and raised!) more and more, hanging out with my party animal friends up there. It is all a fast track memory now so it passes me by but I do know I got involved with many different guys, so much so I don't remember all of them anymore.

I got hung up on this one guy that my 'friend' had told me about. (Just to clarify... I call her "friend" because she is just that! There has always been drama to follow this gal and I got caught up in her little game as well...not much of a friend if you ask me!) She told me he had been asking about me since a party he had seen me at once... (back then I was WAY CUTE and tan and way smaller (size 4-6ish)) I "knew" I had it going on and flaunted where I knew the attention was... Little did I know I just needed my Father's love!

I started a serious relationship with this guy and we ended up getting an apartment together. We dated for about a year I guess. In that year I fell in love with this guy. I finally submitted to my feelings and allowed myself to go there! I saw him turn from the party life (like I) and commit to being my all in all! Dun duh duh duuuuh.... here comes the evil little girl again! Yep the worst came out in me again! I could not help myself. I knew that if I didn't run him off then I was going to hurt him somehow and he was going to leave me for someone else! So I started being real mean and tormenting him with words and actions. My "friend" had befriended my old boyfriend (the HOT one) and started calling him over to her house and would call me over to "accidentally run into him". We (the ex and I) eventually started hanging out and I felt terrible that I was capable of hurting this other guy that I "loved". Well the bf found out one day that my ex was over there with me (he came to find me because he was SERVING ME by doing my laundry and needed to ask me a question... uuggghhhhh the shame). I had no idea that D (the EX) would be there but C (my "friend") had called me over because "she needed me to come help her with wedding plans (hers)". Oh but what she failed to tell me was that she had called D over first and he showed up shortly after I did. So when J (then boyfriend) came over he saw D there and got real angry! They eventually fought... and fought. A real bad fight. Black eyes, lots of blood and a trip to jail were involved. Man did I feel awful! I was losing control AGAIN! Why did I have feelings?

Story of ME! (part 3)

Did I mention I was engaged to this guy? We were engaged, rings bought and everything, and I thought he was what I deserved due to no one ever paying attention to me. I thought "he is the only one that is going to ever want me!" Especially now.

He calls me at work one night to tell me that he is cheating on me and cannot go on in our relationship after what he had done to me.... (can we say LOSER EXCUSE). Of course back then that meant my world was falling apart. I started hyperventilating and could not stop crying. My sister found me outside damaging myself and she and her husband rush me to the ER. From there I get admitted to the Woods Psychiatric Center. I was suicidal! Now that I look at it it was all pretty stinkin' ridiculous, but then, I wanted to end it all! I don't really remember how long I was there but being in there made me know that I did not belong there either. Those poor girls had serious issues other than a fiance cheating on them and dumping them. I hated it there. I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry and they made you come out of your room and have "group time"... They took your shoe laces and you could not shave your legs because you were not allowed razors.

My mother came one day and I begged and pleaded with her to take me home. She did but she then sent me to live with my father (he had calmed down a lot from the extensive party life). He had always been the figure in my life (when he was there) that said jump and I didn't even ask questions I just jumped 'til my legs fell off! I OBEYED! I was terrified of the man... in a very unhealthy way. I just wanted him to be pleased by me and wanted to do everything right.

I went to live with my dad and it was pretty torturous. I am just like him in the way that I like to be left alone and you could tell I made his skin crawl just being there (or so it seemed). Sad thing was I did my best to stay out of his way and not speak to him unless he asked me a question.

There was a guy that would come visit me down there. My friend's brother had taken a liking to me (yeah... or something). He showed up with a huge teddy bear (still have it hahaha) and a "promise" ring...(remember those???). I of course denied him and he stopped coming around.

I was getting sick a lot and felt terrible. I was terribly emotional and cried at the drop of a hat. One night we were watching television, my dad and I, and there was a commercial on that was talking about pregnancy... he turned to me and asked "is that what's wrong with you?". I just lost it. I was pregnant again, and had really just figured it out myself. I thought he was going to shoot me right then and there. But he didn't head for his artillery cabinet, he just sat there in silence...(just shoot me PLEASE!). He came and sat beside me on the couch and held me. I cried harder that day than I would again for a very long time! He asked me what I wanted to do...only he explained that we could make it work and everything would be okay. I of course was tainted in my thinking and thought the only thing to do was "run from my problems" (I could slap me right now!) I went through with it again! More abyss... more loss... more spiral!

I carried on with life and hated myself for everything I had done. I hung out a lot with my cousin... the daughter of my churchgoing aunt.. yeah, that one. She is 5 months younger than I am so we had a lot in common with interests. She is a favorite with my dad also so that was a plus. She started coming down a lot to stay with us for the weekends and we drove all over the town (I was 17 but didn't have a license yet due to getting my GED and not having taken the driver's class yet, I did, however have a car. An '84 Monte Carlo SS and it was FAST!) We had so much fun. We were bought wine coolers and she smoked (away from her mom) so we had cigarettes ( I smoked when my dad wasn't watching)... We lived the "cool" life that most young kids wished they could (the bad ones anyway).

She got involved with this one guy and he started coming down with her. Soon he started bringing his friend along for the ride. He was big, muscular and of Italian descent; Man he was HOT, he was very polite as well! Weird thing was, my dad even approved of him. We started "dating" soon after. We mainly just hung out at my dad's house. We lived a whirlwind romantic life. He asked me one day what I would do if he asked me to marry him. I told him I would laugh at him. He teared up and we had a huge argument about what marriage meant (it was corrupt in my mind and he had it together). So he never asked and we just stayed BF/GF. We got a house together in the town my dad lived in. We lived there until the whirlwind turned into a tornado.

Clarification...

I know this is RAW stuff here... It is what it is! Believe me it does turn around and I am hoping to show people how forgiving God truly is and how HE can take a sinner like myself and bring restoration and victory in a place of defeat and death! I was lost but now am found! I was blind, but now I see! It's HIS AMAZING GRACE!