Story of ME! (part 3)

Did I mention I was engaged to this guy? We were engaged, rings bought and everything, and I thought he was what I deserved due to no one ever paying attention to me. I thought "he is the only one that is going to ever want me!" Especially now.

He calls me at work one night to tell me that he is cheating on me and cannot go on in our relationship after what he had done to me.... (can we say LOSER EXCUSE). Of course back then that meant my world was falling apart. I started hyperventilating and could not stop crying. My sister found me outside damaging myself and she and her husband rush me to the ER. From there I get admitted to the Woods Psychiatric Center. I was suicidal! Now that I look at it it was all pretty stinkin' ridiculous, but then, I wanted to end it all! I don't really remember how long I was there but being in there made me know that I did not belong there either. Those poor girls had serious issues other than a fiance cheating on them and dumping them. I hated it there. I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry and they made you come out of your room and have "group time"... They took your shoe laces and you could not shave your legs because you were not allowed razors.

My mother came one day and I begged and pleaded with her to take me home. She did but she then sent me to live with my father (he had calmed down a lot from the extensive party life). He had always been the figure in my life (when he was there) that said jump and I didn't even ask questions I just jumped 'til my legs fell off! I OBEYED! I was terrified of the man... in a very unhealthy way. I just wanted him to be pleased by me and wanted to do everything right.

I went to live with my dad and it was pretty torturous. I am just like him in the way that I like to be left alone and you could tell I made his skin crawl just being there (or so it seemed). Sad thing was I did my best to stay out of his way and not speak to him unless he asked me a question.

There was a guy that would come visit me down there. My friend's brother had taken a liking to me (yeah... or something). He showed up with a huge teddy bear (still have it hahaha) and a "promise" ring...(remember those???). I of course denied him and he stopped coming around.

I was getting sick a lot and felt terrible. I was terribly emotional and cried at the drop of a hat. One night we were watching television, my dad and I, and there was a commercial on that was talking about pregnancy... he turned to me and asked "is that what's wrong with you?". I just lost it. I was pregnant again, and had really just figured it out myself. I thought he was going to shoot me right then and there. But he didn't head for his artillery cabinet, he just sat there in silence...(just shoot me PLEASE!). He came and sat beside me on the couch and held me. I cried harder that day than I would again for a very long time! He asked me what I wanted to do...only he explained that we could make it work and everything would be okay. I of course was tainted in my thinking and thought the only thing to do was "run from my problems" (I could slap me right now!) I went through with it again! More abyss... more loss... more spiral!

I carried on with life and hated myself for everything I had done. I hung out a lot with my cousin... the daughter of my churchgoing aunt.. yeah, that one. She is 5 months younger than I am so we had a lot in common with interests. She is a favorite with my dad also so that was a plus. She started coming down a lot to stay with us for the weekends and we drove all over the town (I was 17 but didn't have a license yet due to getting my GED and not having taken the driver's class yet, I did, however have a car. An '84 Monte Carlo SS and it was FAST!) We had so much fun. We were bought wine coolers and she smoked (away from her mom) so we had cigarettes ( I smoked when my dad wasn't watching)... We lived the "cool" life that most young kids wished they could (the bad ones anyway).

She got involved with this one guy and he started coming down with her. Soon he started bringing his friend along for the ride. He was big, muscular and of Italian descent; Man he was HOT, he was very polite as well! Weird thing was, my dad even approved of him. We started "dating" soon after. We mainly just hung out at my dad's house. We lived a whirlwind romantic life. He asked me one day what I would do if he asked me to marry him. I told him I would laugh at him. He teared up and we had a huge argument about what marriage meant (it was corrupt in my mind and he had it together). So he never asked and we just stayed BF/GF. We got a house together in the town my dad lived in. We lived there until the whirlwind turned into a tornado.

Clarification...

I know this is RAW stuff here... It is what it is! Believe me it does turn around and I am hoping to show people how forgiving God truly is and how HE can take a sinner like myself and bring restoration and victory in a place of defeat and death! I was lost but now am found! I was blind, but now I see! It's HIS AMAZING GRACE!

Story of ME! (part 2)

So my Grandmother raised me for a good portion of my life... I saw my mom and sister every once in a while. My dad came and lived with my Grandmother and me for a time but left shortly after. I really have no clue why.

I was a social reject all through Elementary and Jr. High. High school didn't really change much either. I made a couple friends here and there but nothing that would really last. There are maybe two that I still communicate with once a year maybe at best.

When I entered into High School it was really no different for me being left out and laughed at but I was having deeper issues than that so it was no biggie for me. By this time I had moved from my Grandmother's home into a house with my mother and sister, then my sister's boyfriend moved in, she became pregnant and they moved to a different house; they got married when she was 5 months pregnant and in the hospital with health issues. I was 15 when my niece was born. My sister was in really bad shape with her health and so I went to stay with them and take care of the baby. Her then husband was not much really to speak of and he didn't have much luck in the job field so they moved back in with my mother and me.

Soon Mom finds different boyfriend that promises a life of "happiness and money" and she FALLS FOR IT! SMACK ON HER FACE FALLS FOR IT! So she moves in with him and he builds a house for her (and me if I move in). I began ditching school just to make sure she was okay. He bruised her up countless times and put her head through a wall just as many. So needless to say I was in trouble at school for not attending but I knew my mother's life was way more important.

My sister finds a job and I start keeping her daughter when I get home (on the days I go to school.

Somwhere along the way there was a guy that I met at a bar (yes I was only 15... but it was a restaurant/bar with pool tables in the back). My friend and I were there playing pool and some guys show up. I meet this other guy through them and we start dating. He was 19. The only guy that ever paid attention to me and I FALL SMACK ON MY FACE FOR IT! (Trendy pattern this is becoming...) Soon I would find out why he wanted to pay attention to me! I will forever despise not knowing better the things I found myself trapped in.

***Just an FYI.... I don't know if you are catching on to all this but I HAD NO IDEA WHO GOD OR JESUS WAS. Church was somewhere that my aunt went and my cousins hated it (or so it seemed). It smelled nice and the people had pretty voices but that's as far as that went.

So I found myself living this sinful life that I absolutely HATED!!! I was basically raising my sister's daughter and had to attend alternative school for absenteeism. I was spiralling out of control. Soon my mother's boyfriend puts her head through the wall one last time and I finally threaten to kill him... yep all 120 lbs of me threatened all 330 lbs of him! AND HE BACKED OFF...('cause he said I was crazy enough he believed I would do it! hmmmm).

I was living back and forth from my boyfriend's mom's house and my sister's and my mom's (before the threat to her boyfriend obviously) and not feeling like I belonged anywhere! I hated my life.

My boyfriend became very violent with me and I, like my mother, fell for the "I am soooo sorry" routine. Sex became the core of our relationship. I hated it and hated him for it but he was abusive and would throw whatever at me until I would give in. Tears streaming down my face I found myself wishing I were dead. It would have to be better than this life... right???

After a while I soon became pregnant and was scared out of my mind. I have never had a secure relationship with either of my parents much less them giving me the birds and bees conversation. I am not kidding when I say I knew nothing about how that all REALLY worked! I somehow slipped through the cracks of being properly parented. I was scared to be a parent (I already had a lot to do with my niece and was afraid to have that again) I was scared this guy was going to beat me blind... I was just scared.

I eventually told my mother and she came to me with "what do you want to do about it?" ...What exaclty does that mean??? I have never heard of any alternatives to having your baby and you becoming a mother. Then (after being convinced by her boyfriend... yes the one I threatened to kill... this was before all that took place! Sorry for the choppiness of it all...)she told me of the alternative that I would live to regret the rest of my life. Yes I went through with an abortion. My heart sinks to even say that. I know I have been forgiven and God has saved me from that pit but still my heart remembers! As it forever will!

From that moment on I stared on into abyss and looked death in the face with whatever I did. I had no more purpose! Nothing mattered anymore!