Thanks for asking

Let me just explain a little bit of history. When I birthed and released all of our children it was very hard in the beginning (needless to say). I am now 2 years out from our last birth to our baby girl Ymali Jane on December 5 2006. It is still hard some days especially when their birthdays are arriving but healing is occurring around every corner. The hardest thing, I do have to say, is when people say things that cut right through the wound and injure you more. I know that most people definitely don't mean any harm and just don't know what to say... that is completely understandable. But something I don't understand is why do they feel compelled to say anything at all when they "don't know what to say"?

For all of you out there who have a friend or friends dealing with grief and loss please read about the grieving that they are experiencing, there are plenty of books to educate you on helping your friends in need. If possible ask someone who knows about grieving the loss first hand (it is usually best if you ask someone who is at least a little while removed from the immediate loss). It is the best thing you can do for those hurting and in need!

I recently had a couple, dear friends of ours, call us to ask what they could do for an acquaintance that just lost their baby at full term. The cord was apparently wrapped around the baby's neck. So terribly tragic. Our friends were at a loss as to what to say or do for them and so they called me to ask.

I was so blessed that they called to ask for first hand advice instead of just relying on their own abilities to comfort them. I think they would have done an adequate job seeing that they are dear, dear sweet people. But I think it wise and even more considerate to seek out and hear first hand what should be done or said from someone who has experienced that kind of loss, close to the same situation even. (we didn't experience that exactly, but we carried our children further along in pregnancy and know what it is to hold your whole, otherwise healthy baby and say good bye, to see your dreams shattered, to see a nursery that they will never come home too or the car seat they will never ride in). Not saying that you have to but it is easiest on the one hurting when they know you truly care enough not to say accidentally hurtful things.

Thank you, all you friends of those who have loved and lost who take the time to seek a true friends heart in the matter; one who KNOWS WHAT AND WHAT NOT TO SAY. You are greatly appreciated!

Just an FYI on some things not to say...

"It just wasn't meant to be"... (you don't know that truthfully; only God knows what is and is to come all things happen for a reason... nothing was accidental, not even the conception of the child. It was meant to be. It just didn't end up the way WE planned)

" I would just try adoption if I were you." (Well you aren't me and we will try whatever we feel led to try. If they are Godly people then they usually will seek God's heart in the matter first. I know we did and we did not try and conceive until we knew it was what God was calling us to do. and then there were plans ONLY HE KNEW!)

"Everything is going to be okay". (This is true IN THE LONG RUN, but your friend does not need you to slap a bandaid on his/her grieving process. And no for the moment NOTHING looks OKAY. It looks REALLY MESSED UP AND CONFUSING.)

What your friend needs is a shoulder and a LISTENING EAR, maybe a dinner brought to them. If you know their same circle of friends offer to create a meal plan for them where you send out an email to all friends asking everyone to pull together to have a dinner brought to them every night or every other night for a week at the least but two weeks to a month is desirable. They just need community not words. You have no answers that they are looking for. NOBODY BUT GOD KNOWS what happened and what is being dealt with in this time!

Thank you for taking the time to read this post and learn some things on how to comfort a grieving friend. If you would like to know more I have some resourceful books I could recommend. And again... thanks for asking. It truly is the best thing you could do for a hurting friend in any circumstance!