There are many...

There are many things going on in this blog... just because it has been a while and we want to keep everyone updated on the happenings in our hectic world Ü!
Nothing much new in the "adoption" realm of things. We filled out some necessary paperwork to actually be able to get some things started ahead of time. That was encouraging.

Bear is now taking multiple steps.. he is up to 7. He does so good and then realizes that it is taking to long to have to concentrate first and then balance and then move your feet. He just sits down after about the 6th step and crawls wherever he is going. Progress is slow but steady! I love watching him learn. He is having a blast with his "early b.day gift" he has learned how to climb up and slide all by himself. He gets up with a huge smile and crawls to the back for a repeat performance.


We have painted the screen door for the fall festivities coming up. We love fall around here.. it means that we can come out of the house without melting completely. I painted pumpkins on the door and when Bear saw them for the first time he kept pointing and looking at me with a huge grin exclaiming... "tsa, etda, tsa, etda" I have no idea what that means yet but to him it was very significant and he wanted me to share in the excitement. Finally I got on the floor with him and touched the painting so he knew it was okay. After that he now goes to the pumpkins with great eagerness every morning.



We had a great windy day a couple days back which set the scene for a kite flying extravaganza. Only one would work due to the "ruthless" winds we were having. So we just flew the one and shared. Bear had a blast flying on his turn. Of course Daddy was close by not to let it fly away for good.




We went to the fair/rodeo Saturday night with several friends/family to watch the PRCA finals and to walk around and of course eat Smoked Turkey legs and funnel cake. A real treat that only comes once a year. AND yes luckily it fell on my 3 cheat days on my diet. After every 11 days I am allowed 3 "cheat days" which allows me to eat WHATEVER I want to. So yes I indulged and didn't feel bad because today I am right back to eating the things I would rather not HAVE to! I have some fun pictures that I will have to upload later... my camera batteries finaly died on me.

I have been doing great on this diet. I have lost quite a few inches; my clothes are fitting way looser. I am very motivated to keep going. Usually around the last of the 11 days I am ready to throw in the towel and just stop the diet but then I get my cheat days and am satisfied and can go for another round of 11 days. I am not sure how many lbs I have officially lost b/c with me it never goes that way. It is all in the clothes... I always gain muscle weight when I diet and so I sometimes drop very few lbs but drop several clothes sizes. I am real encouraged though, and everyone I see usually makes a comment on the difference in looks!!! YES, finally on the road to a thinner, happier, healthier me! If anyone wants information on this diet let me know and I will get you the information.

Last night my husband and I got out of the house on a surprise date. J called MIL to leave Bear to visit with her so we could go out unaccompanied. We went to Texas Roadhouse and had so much food I could have popped (a big no-no on this diet.... DO NOT GET FULL!) I felt like Templeton in Charlottes Web. But it was so worth it AND you cannot go to a steak house that serves fresh rolls with honey butter and cactus blossoms and not expect to get full. HA!

Either way we had fun and were able to laugh together and share in "dreams that once were". I am doing my best at being a better wife to him. Funny thing is that once I started dropping inches I felt happier and it was easier to be more fun with him. I guess I have just been unhappy being way overweight that it was stealing my joy and I was letting it. So now we are all pulling for a better marriage and relationship completely with a new me... of course there has been a lot of inside changing going on too. Spirituality has to be the number one improvement in my walk before anything can change so that's where I started.

Can't breathe!

This will be a long post just to warn you ahead of time it may be somewhat depressing... I am under attack and need to let it all out.

You know that feeling when you are waiting for something you have wanted for a long time and it is so near you can taste it. And until you have received it you have not been able to fully breathe. Well when we heard Bear was free for adoption I breathed a little, then when we talked to an attorney I was able to breathe a little more. I know I will not fully let out my breath until the day we proclaim him as our very own. We have been waiting to truly breathe for about 4 years now... Waiting for a child to be our very own.

Today I was hit with a harsh realization. It is going to be kind of sketchy and scattered so bear with me. I was checking out another "blog " when I came across a picture of something I have been looking for the location of. I am an acquaintance with the person who was in this picture (we have met and we have a lot of mutual friends and everyone at our church seems to know of my husband and I due to our situations; they all pray) so I went to her "page" to look at it and get information on it. Upon my arrival I came "face to face" with the woman who has Bear's half sibling (I saw a comment she left and her picture was her ID) and in the beginning they were wanting to adopt Bear as well. WELLLLL nothing more was heard from this family (cps and/or adoption/foster agency have not heard anything) and so we thought they had a change of heart and realized that they had a word from God so they were going to let us keep him and raise him all our own. However; I have always felt in the back of my mind not to dismiss them though and so they have been a "worry" to me still ( I was informed in the beginning that they were going to use a different agency than the one we were with so there would be no conflict of interest). Even though it has been a year and he has never seen them nor his half sib. So on this post it stated in some form and fashion that... "i have got to email you I have great news!" from this lady to my acquaintance.

My heart jumped up in my throat and I could not breathe... I have no idea why. I mean they could be pregnant for all I know or they are moving or starting a new church somewhere... who knows what good news is abounding. I am still feeling as though Bear will be taken from us that their good news is that Bear is adoptable and they know something more from their agency than we do. I know that is very pessimistic thinking but when you have been through what I have you don't tend to think that the good things are going to last. I have had all 3 of my babies taken from my arms only to never return. I am not real hot on the idea that anything good is meant to stay with me. I know, I know slap a bandaid on it and hush.... well I can't it is fresh in my mind and my heart hurts. I am tired of going on and on not knowing if "our only child" is really going to be ours for good or if it will come to an end also. I am just waiting to breathe.

I called my mother in law (MIL) and she cried with me... although she thinks it is nothing as well... She knows the pain and suffering we have been through; they have been there too... of course our children were their first grandchildren we burried. But she kept trying to reassure me that God would not take Bear from us. I can't help but hear the enemy coming in loud and clear... over and over again... "He took what was dear to you already 3 times why not a 4th" I know Moe left but we kind of half hearted expected that he would not remain with us for ever. And we know the risks when we bring the children into our home... But when you are this far into it and you see the finish line and then BAM! a fog cloud rolls in and brings heavy rains and you can only concentrate on what is in the moment.

Again it truly could be nothing but I am not able to breathe until this is all said and done... It has been a hard day to say the least.

I just need to focus on God and His promises. I need encouragement and prayer to help ward off the enemy. I know God is bigger and whatever comes is His best for us and He will restore us. I have read 1 Peter 1:7 over and over (it was given to me after the loss of one of our children by a dear friend and I hold onto it like the air I "can't" breathe).

"These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."


Father help me to give you praise and Honor even when my heart is being ravished by the enemy. Help me to have faith in all that you are in my life. God please help me in my unbelief that we deserve anything other than turmoil. Help me to understand and know that you are bigger than our "trials". That whatever you bring us to you will bring us through... Help me not to doubt in the dark what you told us in the light Father. I am crying out... ABBA FATHER!!!!!!! COME LORD JESUS, HEAR MY PRAYER! Help my heart focus on you and not the FIRE!

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33"

"Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Prov 3:4-6

Thank you Father that you are bigger and you know what is to come... I am not to worry about anything... just focus on you and what we are doing for you in this time and you will bring everything in due course. Thank you that we do not have to want for anything that you know our very need as well as our every desire. You are a good FATHER!

Thank you all who stuck with me til the end of this post. I am feeling much more encouraged. I knew if I wrote it down that God would indeed be my comfort and speak truth and light into the dark.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

Hiding out

Well here we are again "hiding out" so to speak. I am realizing how much we are "out there" in terms of if anyone wanted to find us they wouldn't have to search too hard. So I am taking a little more precaution if you will so that we can stay "safe" in our home and with whatever children come to live with us. If you are needing to know anything about us then you probably have my email address by now and if not then leave me a comment on my blog and after much screening and background checking I will send you a reply email filling you in on questions you may have. I hate having to "hide out" but it was recommended by our attorney, and we are willing to do whatever is in our and our childrens' best interest.

If there is anything else you think of that we need to do please inform us. We are not in fear of anything but I am realizing that I am living like these are our children and nobody is hasty that their children are being fostered by another mother. Bear, I really don't worry about but I feel like maybe the Lord is preparing us for something more. And who knows there may come a time that Bear may be hunted too. I would hate to even think it... but you never know.