Can't breathe!

This will be a long post just to warn you ahead of time it may be somewhat depressing... I am under attack and need to let it all out.

You know that feeling when you are waiting for something you have wanted for a long time and it is so near you can taste it. And until you have received it you have not been able to fully breathe. Well when we heard Bear was free for adoption I breathed a little, then when we talked to an attorney I was able to breathe a little more. I know I will not fully let out my breath until the day we proclaim him as our very own. We have been waiting to truly breathe for about 4 years now... Waiting for a child to be our very own.

Today I was hit with a harsh realization. It is going to be kind of sketchy and scattered so bear with me. I was checking out another "blog " when I came across a picture of something I have been looking for the location of. I am an acquaintance with the person who was in this picture (we have met and we have a lot of mutual friends and everyone at our church seems to know of my husband and I due to our situations; they all pray) so I went to her "page" to look at it and get information on it. Upon my arrival I came "face to face" with the woman who has Bear's half sibling (I saw a comment she left and her picture was her ID) and in the beginning they were wanting to adopt Bear as well. WELLLLL nothing more was heard from this family (cps and/or adoption/foster agency have not heard anything) and so we thought they had a change of heart and realized that they had a word from God so they were going to let us keep him and raise him all our own. However; I have always felt in the back of my mind not to dismiss them though and so they have been a "worry" to me still ( I was informed in the beginning that they were going to use a different agency than the one we were with so there would be no conflict of interest). Even though it has been a year and he has never seen them nor his half sib. So on this post it stated in some form and fashion that... "i have got to email you I have great news!" from this lady to my acquaintance.

My heart jumped up in my throat and I could not breathe... I have no idea why. I mean they could be pregnant for all I know or they are moving or starting a new church somewhere... who knows what good news is abounding. I am still feeling as though Bear will be taken from us that their good news is that Bear is adoptable and they know something more from their agency than we do. I know that is very pessimistic thinking but when you have been through what I have you don't tend to think that the good things are going to last. I have had all 3 of my babies taken from my arms only to never return. I am not real hot on the idea that anything good is meant to stay with me. I know, I know slap a bandaid on it and hush.... well I can't it is fresh in my mind and my heart hurts. I am tired of going on and on not knowing if "our only child" is really going to be ours for good or if it will come to an end also. I am just waiting to breathe.

I called my mother in law (MIL) and she cried with me... although she thinks it is nothing as well... She knows the pain and suffering we have been through; they have been there too... of course our children were their first grandchildren we burried. But she kept trying to reassure me that God would not take Bear from us. I can't help but hear the enemy coming in loud and clear... over and over again... "He took what was dear to you already 3 times why not a 4th" I know Moe left but we kind of half hearted expected that he would not remain with us for ever. And we know the risks when we bring the children into our home... But when you are this far into it and you see the finish line and then BAM! a fog cloud rolls in and brings heavy rains and you can only concentrate on what is in the moment.

Again it truly could be nothing but I am not able to breathe until this is all said and done... It has been a hard day to say the least.

I just need to focus on God and His promises. I need encouragement and prayer to help ward off the enemy. I know God is bigger and whatever comes is His best for us and He will restore us. I have read 1 Peter 1:7 over and over (it was given to me after the loss of one of our children by a dear friend and I hold onto it like the air I "can't" breathe).

"These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."


Father help me to give you praise and Honor even when my heart is being ravished by the enemy. Help me to have faith in all that you are in my life. God please help me in my unbelief that we deserve anything other than turmoil. Help me to understand and know that you are bigger than our "trials". That whatever you bring us to you will bring us through... Help me not to doubt in the dark what you told us in the light Father. I am crying out... ABBA FATHER!!!!!!! COME LORD JESUS, HEAR MY PRAYER! Help my heart focus on you and not the FIRE!

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33"

"Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Prov 3:4-6

Thank you Father that you are bigger and you know what is to come... I am not to worry about anything... just focus on you and what we are doing for you in this time and you will bring everything in due course. Thank you that we do not have to want for anything that you know our very need as well as our every desire. You are a good FATHER!

Thank you all who stuck with me til the end of this post. I am feeling much more encouraged. I knew if I wrote it down that God would indeed be my comfort and speak truth and light into the dark.

THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!