Here Goes...

Okay so, haha.. don't you all just anticipate what is coming next. Yeah, me too. or NOT!

J has now been without work for over a month. No income... NOTHING. OH wait, we get the reimbursement for fostering once a month, but that goes back into the kiddos. And I have sold 4 canvas paintings. I have also had photo shoots galore so that has been keeping us going somewhat.

Our A/C is creating a huge hole in our floor in the laundry room. It is leaking and we have had someone out to look at it and "clean" it and it is still leaking. now our floor is just saturated and falling in.

Drying clothes has been a challenge seeing that our dryer has stopped heating YET again. We hung a clothes line outside to dry clothes on, that was fun, no really. I love hanging clothes to dry! But there are certain things you cannot do in the rain. Drying clothes is ONE of them. Now they are in the house with us... but not that they are going to dry b.c we have turned off the a/c so that it will stop leaking. All the windows are open now and the humidity is 500% with a wind burn of 400 degrees.

I don't see the clothes drying.

J was supposed to start a job this morning at a local roofing company (yeah as if that wasn't scary enough; J on a roof!) but this morning he gets up to go in and it was pouring. Want to know another certain thing you cannot do in the rain. Roofing. Yes, you cannot roof in the rain, a dog can but we humans cannot. roof roof. Want to know how long the forecast calls for rain. yeah, I don't either.

I was listening to K love the other day and it said "Thank God for the "NO'S" in our lives.

Thank you Jesus.

J ran into his old college pastor last night and he was telling him that sometimes there looks to be two good answers to the paths that you are trying to differentiate between but if you feel like there is not any reason not to go down one path if it is in fact the wrong path, God will close the door and open another.

Okay Lord.

Roo's CW sent me a message a little while ago saying that BM wants to do a drug test and visit "her son". Why yes, she hasn't seen him since he was 7 days old in the hospital. He is NOW 8 months old. NObody has seen her since the removal hearing when he was 8 days old. Fair? notachance!

Your will Father!

OOOH look a WONDERFUL cool breeze is finally blowing away the humidity and it is cooling off in the house. Oh what's that? The.rain.is.pouring.in.the.windows? hmm okay


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ENOOOOOOOOUUUGH!

You are more than enough for me!

for you, the readers, my friends

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement on the comments and in emails. I got them all and I appreciate you, your words and your prayers!

God is amazing and has brought me through this valley once before, He will do it again. He LOVES this time with me and I enjoy getting to see His face in the midst of the fire. I do not LOVE the fire, do not misinterpret that... but I do love the shield and the Hero pulling me through!

Just through the emails and comments that I have gotten, and even other conversations I have had with other friends, I think it is VERY safe to say that this is a tough season for everyone right now. There have been so many "attacks" on our friends and loved ones homes. In every circumstance I have been hearing the same thing, "I am not sure what is going on but everything just seems out of whack", More or less.

I do not feel alone in this battle any longer. I know there are others in this burning hot flame with me. I believe this is a season of purifying. God is purifying our hearts to look more like him.

I have heard before that when hard pressed by circumstances whatever is inside comes "squishing out". Man if all that has been coming out of me in this hard season stays cooped up in there much longer I will rot! This is awful stuff! I am not even kidding. I have been using words I dropped at the "I DO" entrance to giving my life to the Lord! I mean they just crept up on me one day and it stuck. Now that I am being hard pressed, it is all pouring out. NOT GOOD!

Thank you LORD for the cleansing, but please help me to be obedient in responding well to rebuke. I need more of you and less of me! I want to abandon myself to your praises Father! I need your presence more than ever right now!

A dear sweet friend of mine wrote me an encouraging email the other day and I just wept. It painted the perfect picture of where I feel like I am right now.

I would like to insert a portion of the email here and I pray that it may speak to you as well and that you will see God's heart for you too.

You are not alone!

"...my heart was in pain and I asked God why isn't there anyone here to pray for me -with me. And he reminded me of a scene in the garden when he was alone... His closest friends had gone to rest while he was aching -preparing to die to himself -and save the world. "Sound familiar on a smaller scale?" But he also reminded me of the one to whom he was praying the one who for a brief moment in time left Jesus so Jesus would never have to leave us. You are not alone... "

Cloud

there is a dark little cloud floating overhead. I have been feeling it for some time now.

I talked to a friend a little about it all last night. I cried my eyes out. I hate feeling lost.

I honestly don't know what it is caused from, maybe just the everyday monotony of not having a plan or a goal really. I know that we need to keep our children fed and healthy, that's what I strive for. Hmmm. Doesn't seem like much. I know my house needs to be picked up and clean in order to pass inspection if/when that day comes that licensing will show up at our door randomly as it is said to happen.

If they do...we will probably fail. I have a total of 4 boys in the house right now ranging in ages 28 all the way down to 7mos. It is almost impossible to keep ANYTHING off the floors and in it's rightful place. I am doing good to keep clothes on them from a clean laundry pile.

I feel like I am going in circles and that there is this craving in my spirit for something more. I just have NO idea what it is. Not more as in anything material, but more as in a sense of self awareness. WHO am I. I want to KNOW who I am! I know I am the mother of these 3 boys but sometimes that just doesn't seem like enough. I know that sounds awful if taken wrong, but I don't feel like I have anything at all to offer them.

I don't even know who I am. What was I MEANT to be. How can I teach and show my children how to be confident in who they are if I am wandering around chasing an invisible something.

I feel like they deserve so much more. I am drained. I am completely tapped out and I feel the cloud looming overhead. I finally got to talk to a friend yesterday when she stopped by and I realized how much I need my friends walking in Christ with me.

I haven't had IRL contact with friends as much as I'd like or probably even as much as I need. Everyone needs someone to talk to. We are not meant to walk this life alone dealing with everyday struggles silently. It leads to this.

A friend called me yesterday and she is having some struggles of her own in the fostering life... I was happy I could relate, as bad as that sounds. I hate that she is going through this, but I do have to say that I sure needed to know I am NOT alone in this struggle of brokenness. It is REAL and it is very CLOSE. We talked and it felt good to connect on that level.

For a while there, visits hindered everything. Our life was so crammed full with appointments and visits and the normal foster/adoptive stuff that anyone not dealing with this would get bogged down trying to schedule anything with me.

I have to say I have had a handful of people ask how they can help. And I appreciate them TRULY! I am bad at asking for help. I feel like if I am alive and breathing, no matter how raggedly, I can still carry my burdens to the top of the hill, alone. It is afterall, "my burdens" right?

I need to get rid of my alone mentality maybe? Not sure. I really do feel like there is something looming though, trying to destroy our family. And the sad thing is, it's using me to be the go getter in all of us, in a VERY BAD way.

I have been yelling at our kids, I have not been kind OR motherly. I have been so sarcastic ( I know some in a fun manner is not bad, but that is NOT mine lately, it has been NOT fun based), I have been very rude, and just straight out of sorts. I cannot stand this person I have been and it is wearing on me. I feel like there must be something BIG coming and a HUGE breakthrough in many ways if the Devil is out for this big of a kill. STOP IT! Shame on you! Back off Bozo!

I have to stand up and fight. Sheesh... this fighting business is everlasting it feels in our family. I feel like we are always fighting a HUGE battle of some sort. I do know how big my GOD is though and for that I know we will be victorious; you know, when the battle is FINALLY OVER!

Sadly enough, there is never a day that you don't have to be on guard, ready to fight. The Devil is lurking, waiting for us to let down our arms. He found me getting a drink of water by the cool stream with my weapons laid to the side. Here I am fighting him off, yet again. OH WHAT A STINKER!

There that feels better. I just needed to talk to someone. Thanks for listening.