Cloud

there is a dark little cloud floating overhead. I have been feeling it for some time now.

I talked to a friend a little about it all last night. I cried my eyes out. I hate feeling lost.

I honestly don't know what it is caused from, maybe just the everyday monotony of not having a plan or a goal really. I know that we need to keep our children fed and healthy, that's what I strive for. Hmmm. Doesn't seem like much. I know my house needs to be picked up and clean in order to pass inspection if/when that day comes that licensing will show up at our door randomly as it is said to happen.

If they do...we will probably fail. I have a total of 4 boys in the house right now ranging in ages 28 all the way down to 7mos. It is almost impossible to keep ANYTHING off the floors and in it's rightful place. I am doing good to keep clothes on them from a clean laundry pile.

I feel like I am going in circles and that there is this craving in my spirit for something more. I just have NO idea what it is. Not more as in anything material, but more as in a sense of self awareness. WHO am I. I want to KNOW who I am! I know I am the mother of these 3 boys but sometimes that just doesn't seem like enough. I know that sounds awful if taken wrong, but I don't feel like I have anything at all to offer them.

I don't even know who I am. What was I MEANT to be. How can I teach and show my children how to be confident in who they are if I am wandering around chasing an invisible something.

I feel like they deserve so much more. I am drained. I am completely tapped out and I feel the cloud looming overhead. I finally got to talk to a friend yesterday when she stopped by and I realized how much I need my friends walking in Christ with me.

I haven't had IRL contact with friends as much as I'd like or probably even as much as I need. Everyone needs someone to talk to. We are not meant to walk this life alone dealing with everyday struggles silently. It leads to this.

A friend called me yesterday and she is having some struggles of her own in the fostering life... I was happy I could relate, as bad as that sounds. I hate that she is going through this, but I do have to say that I sure needed to know I am NOT alone in this struggle of brokenness. It is REAL and it is very CLOSE. We talked and it felt good to connect on that level.

For a while there, visits hindered everything. Our life was so crammed full with appointments and visits and the normal foster/adoptive stuff that anyone not dealing with this would get bogged down trying to schedule anything with me.

I have to say I have had a handful of people ask how they can help. And I appreciate them TRULY! I am bad at asking for help. I feel like if I am alive and breathing, no matter how raggedly, I can still carry my burdens to the top of the hill, alone. It is afterall, "my burdens" right?

I need to get rid of my alone mentality maybe? Not sure. I really do feel like there is something looming though, trying to destroy our family. And the sad thing is, it's using me to be the go getter in all of us, in a VERY BAD way.

I have been yelling at our kids, I have not been kind OR motherly. I have been so sarcastic ( I know some in a fun manner is not bad, but that is NOT mine lately, it has been NOT fun based), I have been very rude, and just straight out of sorts. I cannot stand this person I have been and it is wearing on me. I feel like there must be something BIG coming and a HUGE breakthrough in many ways if the Devil is out for this big of a kill. STOP IT! Shame on you! Back off Bozo!

I have to stand up and fight. Sheesh... this fighting business is everlasting it feels in our family. I feel like we are always fighting a HUGE battle of some sort. I do know how big my GOD is though and for that I know we will be victorious; you know, when the battle is FINALLY OVER!

Sadly enough, there is never a day that you don't have to be on guard, ready to fight. The Devil is lurking, waiting for us to let down our arms. He found me getting a drink of water by the cool stream with my weapons laid to the side. Here I am fighting him off, yet again. OH WHAT A STINKER!

There that feels better. I just needed to talk to someone. Thanks for listening.