6 years and counting

Yesterday, April 10th, J and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary.

I cannot begin to express how much it feels like SO MUCH LONGER than a mere 6 years.

In these 6 years we have experienced so much heartache we could do nothing more than hold eachother and cry. We have experienced so much joy we thought our hearts would burst. We have watched our ashes turn to beauty time and time again. We have seen the hand of God move in our lives all over. He looks out for especially us!

We are in a place right now that God has us in the palm of HIS hands. I am okay with this. This may look a little different for some people but for us right now it is J in a (small) waiting season for work and us spending LOTS of quality time together. (J goes to Ft. Worth on Tuesday to hear his case against him with UPS. He feels very strongly that he will get his job back, until then we will be persistent in seeking God and HIS will for our waiting season. We will follow HIS lead. We have gone our own way before and let me just say. It was NOT easy NOR was it fun!

It is not ideal that J is without a job, but we do trust and feel that God is completely in control and leading us just how HE planned. He will provide.

I cannot tell you how happy the boys have been lately to have their daddy around so much more. I, too, have been so blessed by his being here. We have sat and cried just being in the presence of the Lord, holding eachother knowing that HE has pulled us through EVERYTHING HE has brought us to. Even when we didn't have the strength to stand, we saw God holding us up to strengthen one another.

I know God never makes mistakes. I know our journey has been one full of trials and trying circumstances because HE is building up our faith for something BIG! And by big I mean BIIIGG! I don't claim to know what it is... but I do know that God doesn't call the qualified, HE qualifies the called! If this is HIM qualifying us, let me just say... we are going to be called for something greater than I could ever imagine.

As for the kids. I have been told that the last thing they want to do is remove our children. I know our agency advocates for their families and I wanted so badly to believe that our kids were safe, I do. It is scary all the same, but I have faith that our children are with us for a reason and I don't believe that J losing his job because of some plant manager having issues is going to mess up God's plans for our lives NOR theirs.

He has built up our Faith. In a MERE 6 years, we have been walking in the presence of the LORD and we KNOW HE will bring us through this too!

Happy Anniversary Honey! I love you and all that we have journeyed together! I am not saying that every day is WONDERFUL, but I am saying that I would not be okay doing this life with anyone less than yourself! You mean THAT much to me!

**Thank you to everyone who has been lifting us up in prayer. We could not ask for more and we sincerely appreciate all the kind words and generous acts toward our family! **

Calling all Prayer Warriors...

As I recently stated we are without job right now. We, meaning J really, BUT when it is our family it is WE.

You see, our agency has a standard that must be met in order to have children residing in our home. At least ONE parent MUST have a job. Well, we do not fit that criteria any longer. And until J gets a job, we won't. Our kids (Moe and Roo) could be at risk of getting removed.

Please say a prayer for our family to stay together. This is the hardest thing right now to have to face. I have been more worried about our children being taken from us than anything else.

I know God is in it. I know HE brought these children to our home (some more than once) for a reason. ONLY HE KNOWS what is about to happen and I am putting my trust in HIM.

Thank you to everyone for your love, prayers and blessings. We sure appreciate the encouragements right now and we KNOW God is answering your prayers.

I will keep you updated. I thought we'd hear something by today but we have not and the work day is about over now. Thank you Jesus we have another weekend with them...

No words

can adequately express how I am feeling right now.

Two weeks ago J lost his job with UPS that he has had for the past 6 years. We knew it would not be a forever job due to him continuing school to teach. We knew that. We knew eventually we would be preparing for him to leave that job to pursue his teaching career. But we had time to prepare.

Not anymore. Now we are forced into making prompt decisions of what are we to do next and where do we go from here. We were not prepared for no income for several weeks if not months. Who ever is?

I have not expressed this before now basically because we felt that J would be getting his job back pretty quickly. It is not looking like that is the case any longer. He still has a good chance of getting his job back; but it may take a lot longer than desired or anticipated. OR he may not even get his job back, period. Nobody knows right now.

I felt, this is part of our journey, part of our struggle and I should share with you all what is happening in our lives. Good and bad. I ask that you would please pray if you feel led. We need a miracle. We need people to have a change of heart and not just be out to harm our family.

In the pit of my being I KNOW that God will cover us. I KNOW that HE will provide for us. He has never let us down yet. Crummy things have happened time and time again in our marriage over these past 6 years. But HE always comes through with a light of hope and PROMISE! Not a promise to give us anything but a promise to hold us through the rough waters. A promise that we will not be harmed in the midst of the trials. I hold fast to HIS promises and that is what gets me through.

It is hard, and it hurts something awful. I can't even think straight right now for lack of vision. But I do know that I can rest in my Father's arms while I am hurting and while I am worn out from all the responsibilities.

I had to inform our foster agency of the current circumstances and I got a reply stating that they were going to have to get together to go over the financial part. I am not sure what that means and I am almost scared. I replied and asked what they were talking about and I begged them not to take "our" kids from us. That would be excruciating! You can take everything from us but please do not take our children. Blood or not... they are ours and we LOVE them.

If it were just us and Bear, I would not be so "scared" about what is to come. He is ours now. We can live just about anywhere, J and I already have. We can make anything work until life takes a turn for the better. But when you foster you are so tied to rules and regulations and homestudies. They have to make sure EVERYTHING is okay and there is enough DECENT space for your family to live in. Not to mention the 101 other obligations you have when you are fostering. Will we still qualify to keep our babies if we lose our home?

I am not sure how that would look if we lost our home and had to move. Would they take our kids until we get another decent place to live for them? I am not claiming that we are going to lose our home. I am just functioning in panic mode right now. Forgive me. It just takes on a whole new sense of survival when you are taking care of children that do not belong to you. They can pull them for any reason. Especially if you cannot provide for them financially.

J went and applied for unemployment as well as food stamps (wow this is totally humbling) just to keep us afloat while he is in the process of finding another job. We don't qualify for food stamps b.c of the unemployment money that he SHOULD be getting. We have not seen anything yet. Even if so, our mortgage takes half of the weekly allowance which leaves not enough to pay the rest of the bills. Why don't they take all that into consideration. We have a 5 person household. HOW in the world really do they expect 5 people to live on $400 a week? Really $200 a week after mortgage? That is NOT even counting the monthly bills. AAAHHHH!

I am just so tired of getting a bit ahead and then watching it get ripped out from under us yet again. The sad thing is, we take care of children whom the STATE has custody of but yet the state will not take care of the family taking care of their children! hmmm, makes sense to me! :/

Now for the good news :).

This Saturday is J and my 6 year anniversary. We had made reservations about an hour and a half from here to go away for 2 nights but we called to cancel so we could save that money. J's mom is going to take the boys tomorrow after their nap and we will have the rest of the evening to ourselves, where we will finish all outstanding projects on our house and go through and find all the things that we can sell. We will have all day Sat too until the boys' bedtime when they will be returning home. Doesn't seem like enough time but it will get done. In my mind it is anyway :).

Just another day in Paradise!