Story of Us part 1

Okay so now that we are married I will give you the story of us.

I was about to start my third year of Radiology and I began filling out paperwork to receive financial aid again. I had to change ALL of my information 'cept my shoe size and my first name. It ended up that I did not qualify for grants again and I didn't want to go the student loan route. J and I prayed about it and what I should do from here on out. We BOTH felt like the LORD said to "stay home and raise your family"... hahahahaha. To me that was hysterical because I was all about career and I was going to have one AND I was going to make lots of money doing it! I was not about to be stuck in the life I was so used to, being poor. My mother didn't stay home with us, my sister didn't stay home with her children. I wasn't prepared to stay home and "raise a family". J and I had talked about waiting a year after we were married and then "TALKING" about having children SOMEDAY! I knew it was a possibility, but c'mon... this early!???!

I fought and fought. I tried just about everything and still could not get any grants. I felt like I was supposed to continue working with my then boss. We did decorative painting and faux finishing in HUGE fancy shmancy houses. We've just about painted our hole church. So the jobs were off and on and were not very secure. We sometimes went months without a job. But that is where God wanted me... so there I stayed (don't get me wrong... I loved it!).

So I started praying for God's will, not my own! I prayed and asked God what He wanted of me. About a month after we were married I felt like God said "It's time to start your family". Hysterical laughing controlled my body for about an hour. "God, not to seem snotty... but REALLY! YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!!! WE ARE POOR REMEMBER... THE NO RADIOLOGY THING!!! WHERE DO YOU WANT THAT WE WOULD PUT A CHILD IN THIS ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT???!!!" SSsoooooo needless to say I ignored God's will and went on about MY life. Every morning in my quiet time I would hear it over and over again..."it's time to start your family". "NO!".... next morning "it's time to sta........", "God, you know what... if this is so important to you and IF this is REALLY your heart for us right now then YOU tell J in his quiet time. I am not saying a word to him!!!"

The next morning J comes to me "Honey, I know this is strange and I don't really know what to make of it. I know we talked about waiting a year before even talking about children but I REALLY feel like God is saying 'It is time to start our family'" hahahaaha... Can you say a DUMB LOOK crept across my face! "What did you just say to me??? You know what, don't even repeat it! I don't want to hear it!" We discussed it and decided that it was indeed God's will apparently and we should not disobey! Oh how I could have ignored that for the rest of my life!

It took us 8 months of "trying" before we succeeded. In March of 05 I found out I was pregnant. (Can we say Valentine's Day baby... hehehe) FINALLY! I was REALLY sick but everything seemed to be going normal. I always had disturbing dreams about my baby dying though. In my dream I knew I had had a baby but could never find her/him. I would look frantically and by the time I found them it would be too late. The baby would be freezing cold and I could not warm him/her or save them. It would die. I had this dream several times throughout the pregnancy.

We moved from our tiny one bedroom apt into a two bedroom duplex on a VERY busy street in town. Just the smell of the place made me sick to my stomach... add on top of that the pregnancy.. I was in bulimia heaven. I could keep nothing down AND I couldn't get off the couch. Finally about the 4th month I finally was able to venture around our "new" home. I HATED IT! I cried... this is not what I wanted for my life!!! I want the country and a real home without being able to hear people through your walls. We had stinkin' burglar bars on all our windows... we would awake to gunshots throughout the neighborhood! Oh well...."God protect us!"

About my 6th month I was cruising through this pregnancy thing. I was feeling HER kick and squirm all the time. I loved it. I (we) were planning her nursery and how we would raise her. Our little Olivia Grace, She was so precious. One morning I was praying and asking God to reveal Himself to me that day. To give me a scripture to meditate on for the day. I waited and waited and then felt the scripture Isaiah 54 enter into my heart. Hmmmm, "Okay... I've not spent a lot of time in that book, let's see what's in store for us this day."

"Sing,O childless woman! Break forth into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, even though you never gave birth to a child. For the woman who could bear no children now has more than all the other women," says the LORD. "Enlarge your house; build and addition; spread out your home! For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will take over other nations and live in their cities." (Isaiah 54:1-3 'Life Application Study Bible, NLT) Hmmmm Okay..."Clearly that scripture is not talking about me... I am nearly 6 months pregnant and I am going to have a child." So I go on about my day shaking off the randomness of that quiet time.

Then later that day our dreams would come crashing down around us! I went out with some friends of mine earlier that day and had started having severe back pains. We were walking around a 3 story antique store shopping. I could not continue on. I started feeling faint and really sore. I was "leaking" some weird stuff (sorry for the graphics) and felt I needed to go home and relax. I thought all of this was normal and I was just on my feet too long, walking.

Later my mother comes up and we go out and have dinner. We ordered and I could not eat. I felt so sick to my stomach. I was weak and felt like I was going to pass out. I told J I needed to just go home and relax. My mother finally went home after much reassuring (from us) that I would be okay. Finally the back pains were so intense I could neither lay or sit, much less stand. J called my friend M who works in the ER in the hospital close by and explains to her what is going on with me. She has also had two children so she knows a little somthin'... she tells him to get me straight to L&D and that I am in labor. "WHAT"!!! We start freaking out of course. I get there and am in severe pain by this time. They wheel me to a room and hook me up to all sorts of gadgets. I am feeling our daughter move around and kick me in some "new" places. We were there for a while before anyone really had a "clue" what was going on.

They came in with some paperwork for me to sign. The nurse told me it was standard for me to sign the paperwork..."it is basically just stating that you give this dr (who is not MY dr) permission to deliver you if you do in fact deliver...which you won't... you are not in labor and you are not dilated. You are just having braxton hicks contractions". "And IF YOU DO deliver there is nothing we can do to save your baby, she is too premature. 24 weeks is considered viable and we could try with many complications to be assured, 23 weeks is just to early we can do nothing." I knew I was 23 weeks and 5 days and so I STRESSED "YOU ARE SURE I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY!" The nurse kept reassuring me and the Dr. even came in and told me that I was indeed not in labor. Hesitantly, I signed the paperwork.

Oh how wrong they were!

That night they put us in a room and gave me some Demerol so that I could sleep through the "braxton hicks contractions". Along with some Ambien... I was feeling good. I fell asleep for about 4 hours. 6 AM I awoke with some serious pain. I shot up in bed and screamed for ANYBODY! J sat up on his cot and nurses came rushing in. I could not lay down for the pain and I couldn't sit up, I was hurting BAD! They started wheeling me down to L&D... J started getting sick. He joins us in L&D and I am going into labor. He gets on the phone with his family and calls in prayer warriors... soon everyone was at the hospital just in time to meet our little Olivia Grace. She was born at 6:01 AM. She weighed 1.5 lbs she was 12' long. She was so precious. She was fighting so hard to breathe and gasping for air. She was moving around in an attempt at life. The nurses just looked on. I watched our little girl gasp for her last breath 30 minutes later and fall still in my arms. My dad entered the room where I was laying in my bed holding my deceased daughter and he came and wrapped his arms around me and told me "it's okay to cry baby, let it out." I bawled like I have never bawled in my life. I wept and sobbed uncontrollably. My whole body shook. I needed my daddy! I needed to know that he accepted me even in my failures (which, to me, was what this was... I failed, even at this).

A couple days later we got to see her again and then lay her to rest in the ground. I woke that morning at our home and knew I could not go through with it. I would not be able to stop crying. So I got out of bed with the attitude "I am just going to weep this morning so I can get it "over with" for a while. That way I can hold it together during the viewing and burial." I tried so hard to cry... I couldn't. I felt the peace pour over me and I knew I was wrapped in my FATHER'S ARMS.

We had a small ceremony and I got up and shared the love of Christ to all those who attended. I don't know how I did it but God gave me strength, wisdom and words to speak.... so I did. I made her little life count and by golly I was going to use her life to GLORIFY GOD even in the midst of my pain, and suffering. I was told later that my dad was even crying (I have never seen this man cry). Thank you Jesus for softening the ground for the seeds to be planted!

We go home to an empty house and are blessed by the love and support of so many friends and family around us. Meals were brought, cards were sent, donations made (so J could stay home and look after me for a while longer than work would provide). We were experiencing HIS love and provision in our time of great need. God held us so tightly even though I screamed at HIM. I beat on HIS chest. I Hated what "HE had chose for us!". But I knew He loved me.

Finally I am back with 8

I was attending college and heading toward my radiology degree. I was making good grades and feeling so good about it all. Tina Got married and moved off and I was living a wonderful life with my new family. Wow, in a way I feel like I was adopted. They even called me by my first name maiden last name and their last name (joking around of course). Now they call me by my first, maiden last, married last and their last. hahaha I feel so loved.

about a year later I met this guy (A) in one of my classes and we started hanging out every once in a while. It turned into a lot more and finally we were moving toward something more serious than need be. I was saved, he was not. My now friends kept telling me, "you can't missionary date"... meaning that you can't lead a guy to salvation through dating him... hahahaha and believe me you CAN'T. He meant well enough but he was just so full of the world (which is probably why I was so stinkin' attracted to him. That and he drove a yellow jeep wrangler... my dream!). I prayed about it a lot and every time I felt like the Lord said to "let it go" (I was always given the same vision of the cheap dollar store pearl necklace the little girl doesn't want to give to her daddy when asked because she adores them so much. But finally one day she tearfully lets go and he gives to her a real pearl necklace to replace and reward.) I let go of A also, tearfully!

My little "sister" Amy (the youngest sister in my new spiritual family) came to me one day and told me there was someone she wanted me to meet, her friend's brother. I just laughed it off and continued on about my day.

Amy had this friend, Angela, that she hung out with quite a bit. Amy and Angela were always between houses spending the night with one another on the weekends and I would drive them around from time to time to the random places they wanted to go. Sometimes we would just hang out together and be. I had taken Amy over to Ang's house one day for a pool party and such for the high school. I dropped her off and went back home. She called me about 3 hours later just to "see what I was doing". I was laughing at her...(she's a nut sometimes... If you could just hear her voice when she's up to something, you'd laugh too).

"Nothing Amy, Why?"

A: "Oooohhh, just wondering. Hang on!"

Me: "ooookaaay...."

(guy's voice) "Hello?"

Me: "Hello?....AMY!!!!!"

Guy: "she put me on the phone and told me to talk to you"

Me:"WHAT!... ooooh that girl!"

Yep she tricked me into talking to Angela's brother on the phone. Then she calls me later to come pick her up from Ang's house. I go to pick her and another girl up and we end up making a date to go to the movies in our jammies. Amy invites J (Angela's brother) to come along and we go to watch Finding Nemo together.

***Sorry I am all over the place right now as soon as I sat down to type this at 9:45 my phone has rung 3 times and two of those times I had to answer it. Then the cat needed in and to be fed as well as the dog. My day is not my own! Just bear with me and I will eventually get to the end of this story!***

He seemed nice, I thought he was just a dork because usually all men are when they are single (and still...hmmm how can we say this discreetly... PURE!...can I say that on public blog!) hahaha, so I overlooked that part (kinda). Oh and he was saved... ACTUALLY, his dad is a pastor. So anyway we leave the theater after the movie is over and go our separate ways. The next day Amy calls Angela to see what her brother thought... you know that whole high school thing..."what'd he think of so and so?" I was right there listening in on the conversation, haha. J was talking to Amy and said that he was kind of talking to another girl and wanted to make sure there was nothing there before moving into a different "relationship". "WHAT!!!" whatever, he's a dork anyway! I walk away, just like that.

Eventually we end up talking again and hanging out more and more. He would talk to Frank as my spiritual father to better know how to protect and guard my heart in our "friend relationship". I had never had guidelines to follow before and it was pretty stinkin' interesting to say the least! I never had a guy that cared enough to ask about them or obide by rules lain out by my "father". WOW! Jesus was dating me! He was captivating my heart and drawing me to this "pure love" in a way that only HE can. This is the love that my heart was seeking and could never find in all the WORLD. It was so strange but so very attractive, dorkiness and all.

Soon we moved into "courtship", yes you heard it right. And that is exactly what it was considered. Courting was just making sure that this is the one I would like to move on into a dating relationship with. We moved on into a dating relationship and were given "dating guidelines" to follow and obey by Frank. We did good, so to speak. (If you want a copy of these guidelines I still have them. I will send you a copy...we actually plan on going over them with our boys when they hit that age. And any girls we have - God willing.)

We then move into dating on into engagement. He proposed at the Dam where we live. It was kind of REALLY SIMPLE and nothing much to it. He didn't even get down on his knee... (he has yet to live that down!) He gave me my ring and it almost made me laugh out loud! Not that it was small, or puny or any of that. In fact it was the EXTREME opposite! It was so "loud" and honkin' loaded with diamonds I thought it was fake! I totally thought it was a CZ. hahaha. I did the infamous hug him and stare at my ring. It was really hard to tell so he thought I was being REALLY affectionate. haha.

Later we went back to his parent's house where Amy and Ang were and they drug me into the bathroom and were squealing with delight... you know young teenage girls. hahaha (gotta love'em). It was there that Amy told me it was a 2ct ring (with 19 diamonds)... "Holy Toledo Batman!" That's a lot of bling for one ring.

I was so torn in the engagement. He was nothing I was used to and it was pulling at me HARD. I wanted to run and to retreat from the whole ordeal. I prayed and felt like I was supposed to marry him but in my heart I wanted something different. I know that sounds terrible but it comes from having all those meaningless relationships beforehand that tainted me and my heart. I didn't want to be settled down to one person I guess. I still had "dreams" of others. I still longed for "my guy" that could play me a smile on an acoustic guitar and write a song for me that would melt my heart. He had come and gone (that guy) and now it was God's turn to write my love story. I had so many expectations of my "husband" that when J didn't meet half of them it broke my heart. I prayed about this too and still felt like God said "go forward, he will grow."

We finally got married after a 6 month engagement. My father walked me down the aisle using his cane (he recovered from the wreck but it messed his leg up real bad). It was interesting, getting married, I am so not a crowd's person (other than bar crowds... 'scuse me... former bar crowds haha). I wanted outdoors but we ended up getting married at his dad's church with his dad and my "spiritual dad" (Frank is an ordained minister) officiating. I was so blessed to have so many loved ones surrounding me in LOVE and SUPPORT!

Now on to the next stream of Rocky mountains and LOW VALLEYS!

(I will be back with pictures later. I have screaming children!!!)

continuation of ...7

Way out of my comfort zone. I cried hard that night for fear of losing control of my environment. I talked to L about it and of course he was encouraging me to take this step. It would be good for me and even possibly our relationship (which was DEFINITELY dwindling).

I called this dear girl the next day or two and let her know that I would indeed move in with her family if they were still up for it! I cannot tell you how scared I was. What if they don't like me. I don't have a record of people JUST liking me (or so I thought). This family is a God fearing, church centered family. I am a cast off daughter of a biker and a hippie that has lived such a SINFUL life. What on earth are they going to do to me. Their house is going to burn down as soon as I set foot in the door. They are going to lock me in my room in fear for their lives. They are going to send me packing as soon as I open my uneducated mouth to speak. It was so intense, the anxiety was overwhelming me, I curled up on my bed that night and prayed and fell asleep in PEACE!

The next day I packed my, um, suitcase and a couple boxes that would go to my father's house. I could not take my cat which really hurt. Everywhere I have lived I have had a pet and have always had to leave it behind, breaks my heart really. So anyway... I call Tina up and tell her I am ready to go. I look around one last time and bawl my eyes out and get ready for the change of a life time (as well as a house fire that is sure to happen upon my arrival!)

I get there and it is just Tina and me for the first part of it all. I get settled into her room that we would be sharing now. I mean I will be sleeping in the same bed as this girl. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER REALLY! Then her parents came home and met me... They didn't throw water on my face or hold up a cross while speaking Latin and I didn't say anything to incriminate myself so we were off to a good start I'd say (Oh and there was no sign of smoke or flames anywhere... YESSSS!). Weird part was that they seemed like just a nice couple of people.

We sat in with her parents after getting all my things put away and visited. Some "ground rules" were laid (if I smoke... do so outside... I didn't need that rule.) but mainly we just got to know eachother. They told me that they were willing to offer a place to stay for two weeks, a month at most. Okay... it's a start! Tina's little sister Amy came home later that week from Summer church camp. I met her and fell in love with her little 15 year old personality. She was so unlike me at that age. She was so innocent and precious! She and I made a friendship that would last forever!

I let them know that I am interested in attending college ( I have no idea why, I hated school! Oh yeah the money thing. I needed some and a good career never hurt anyone!). Linda (The mother) starts helping me make phone calls for grants for college.

My 24th birthday comes about two weeks later and I am blown away at how special and celebrated I felt. I cannot remember the last birthday party that was actually thrown in my honor! I know I had some.. I think! On that day I received a card that was more precious to me than any gift I would receive. a "coupon" for "one whole school year room and board at the Fyke home. (The family I lived with). They were so kind to me and treated me like a guest of honor.

Over time I was enrolled in a community college for Radiology Technician (I am looking to make GOOD money!). I get grants to cover my total tuition with some to boot. I finally was awarded my own room. They turned their family computer room/ office into a small bedroom for me. I was so blessed to live among such people. They lived the true example of Christ and I wanted what they had. They were real, they had real issues but they handled them in a way that was so surreal. Sure they had arguments but the knew LOVE and PATIENCE! They were never ANGRY (so that I saw). They showed me what it was to be a Godly person.

I started reading the Bible in a more detailed way and hungering more and more for the fruit that I saw constantly. I got it out of reading and journaling and meditating on scripture (reading it and re-reading it and writing down what I was feeling about that scripture. If I had any questions I went to one of the parents and asked. We would discuss my question and I would be filled with more life. They became my spiritual family. The family I craved my whole life but never knew until now.

Then came the day that I had to come to terms with the unhealthy relationship with my father. I got a phone call one day while working with a friend of the family; I was told that my father had been in a motorcycle wreck and was in the hospital pretty bad off. I LOST IT!!! Completely lost it! Crying, snot flying, shaking... lost it!

I was confronted later that evening by Frank (the father) and he explained to me this relationship I had with my father was unhealthy. I had so much NEED of my father to be a FATHER and he could never be anything more for me than what he was... a human. I needed so much acceptance from him and to be loved by him and to know I was needed by him. All in a very unhealthy manner. They (Frank and Linda) explained it like this. I have an ATM card and I am swiping away but there is no money in the ATM. I am not going to get anything but and insufficient funds notice every time. My father, being the worldly man that he is, cannot fill me up spiritually and cannot give me the love that my heart truly desires. Only MY HEAVENLY FATHER can do this for me! I have been searching this whole time for someone to love me and the whole time MY FATHER was waiting for me to LOVE HIM! I cried oh so hard as I emotionally let go of that expectant spirit over my father.

I don' t want to paint a pretty picture, it was hard leaving my old life and jumping in head first into this new life. I missed all my old friends. I still saw them every once in a while but I did not hang out in bars anymore. I then knew that it was unhealthy to have LOTS of and ONLY guy friends (in the way I had them). I stopped talking to most of them. I did have some honest to goodness guy friends though and that was okay. L still came around every once in a while and took me out here and there. I harbored a "love" for him and secretly desired for us to be together again. I did everything to make him "proud" of me. That lasted until he got a new girlfriend. I had heard he was slipping back into old habits and that it was best if I just let that realationship fall away to where it will. Expect nothing from it! I did... I cried but I let go!

I started doubting my life and my purpose again and I started getting attacked HARD by spiritual warfare! I remember having so many hateful, hurtful thoughts and bringing in Frank and Linda to pray over me. They did...then they left me to fight the battle with my Father. I prayed, I screamed... the weather outside was getting TERRIBLE! Wind like none other, and thunder and lightning clashing all around the house outside! I cried, I fought, I prayed! I wanted peace, I wanted the devil to leave me alone and stop the lies of "I am never good enough!, I have done so many bad things, I would never be "clean", I was not worth it!" I was hurting for the truth! Finally in the midst of it all I cried myself to sleep. I awoke to snow outside! Even now typing this the tears flow! God redeemed me! He brought me out of the pit and made me new! He washed me in the blood and now I am as pure as snow! God is GOOD!!! He carried me when I grew faint and could no longer fight. Thank you JESUS!

*** I am going to give your eyes a break now and go relish in the love of my FATHER for the memory is so fresh and I cannot stop the tears! I am in LOVE with My FATHER! He will never leave me nor forsake me! He made me new and brought me out of so much. He has delivered me and cleaned me up and set me straight upon the path of righteousness!

I encourage you all to re-visit that place of acceptance from your Heavenly Father. Where did it begin for you ... re-visit that feeling of JUST KNOWING that HE was HOLDING YOU TIGHTLY as HE accepted you into HIS arms! It is breathtaking!