Story of ME! (part 2)

So my Grandmother raised me for a good portion of my life... I saw my mom and sister every once in a while. My dad came and lived with my Grandmother and me for a time but left shortly after. I really have no clue why.

I was a social reject all through Elementary and Jr. High. High school didn't really change much either. I made a couple friends here and there but nothing that would really last. There are maybe two that I still communicate with once a year maybe at best.

When I entered into High School it was really no different for me being left out and laughed at but I was having deeper issues than that so it was no biggie for me. By this time I had moved from my Grandmother's home into a house with my mother and sister, then my sister's boyfriend moved in, she became pregnant and they moved to a different house; they got married when she was 5 months pregnant and in the hospital with health issues. I was 15 when my niece was born. My sister was in really bad shape with her health and so I went to stay with them and take care of the baby. Her then husband was not much really to speak of and he didn't have much luck in the job field so they moved back in with my mother and me.

Soon Mom finds different boyfriend that promises a life of "happiness and money" and she FALLS FOR IT! SMACK ON HER FACE FALLS FOR IT! So she moves in with him and he builds a house for her (and me if I move in). I began ditching school just to make sure she was okay. He bruised her up countless times and put her head through a wall just as many. So needless to say I was in trouble at school for not attending but I knew my mother's life was way more important.

My sister finds a job and I start keeping her daughter when I get home (on the days I go to school.

Somwhere along the way there was a guy that I met at a bar (yes I was only 15... but it was a restaurant/bar with pool tables in the back). My friend and I were there playing pool and some guys show up. I meet this other guy through them and we start dating. He was 19. The only guy that ever paid attention to me and I FALL SMACK ON MY FACE FOR IT! (Trendy pattern this is becoming...) Soon I would find out why he wanted to pay attention to me! I will forever despise not knowing better the things I found myself trapped in.

***Just an FYI.... I don't know if you are catching on to all this but I HAD NO IDEA WHO GOD OR JESUS WAS. Church was somewhere that my aunt went and my cousins hated it (or so it seemed). It smelled nice and the people had pretty voices but that's as far as that went.

So I found myself living this sinful life that I absolutely HATED!!! I was basically raising my sister's daughter and had to attend alternative school for absenteeism. I was spiralling out of control. Soon my mother's boyfriend puts her head through the wall one last time and I finally threaten to kill him... yep all 120 lbs of me threatened all 330 lbs of him! AND HE BACKED OFF...('cause he said I was crazy enough he believed I would do it! hmmmm).

I was living back and forth from my boyfriend's mom's house and my sister's and my mom's (before the threat to her boyfriend obviously) and not feeling like I belonged anywhere! I hated my life.

My boyfriend became very violent with me and I, like my mother, fell for the "I am soooo sorry" routine. Sex became the core of our relationship. I hated it and hated him for it but he was abusive and would throw whatever at me until I would give in. Tears streaming down my face I found myself wishing I were dead. It would have to be better than this life... right???

After a while I soon became pregnant and was scared out of my mind. I have never had a secure relationship with either of my parents much less them giving me the birds and bees conversation. I am not kidding when I say I knew nothing about how that all REALLY worked! I somehow slipped through the cracks of being properly parented. I was scared to be a parent (I already had a lot to do with my niece and was afraid to have that again) I was scared this guy was going to beat me blind... I was just scared.

I eventually told my mother and she came to me with "what do you want to do about it?" ...What exaclty does that mean??? I have never heard of any alternatives to having your baby and you becoming a mother. Then (after being convinced by her boyfriend... yes the one I threatened to kill... this was before all that took place! Sorry for the choppiness of it all...)she told me of the alternative that I would live to regret the rest of my life. Yes I went through with an abortion. My heart sinks to even say that. I know I have been forgiven and God has saved me from that pit but still my heart remembers! As it forever will!

From that moment on I stared on into abyss and looked death in the face with whatever I did. I had no more purpose! Nothing mattered anymore!

Story of ME!

So this is the poll I have come up with... YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM! All the gory details of my life... and I must warn you some seasons were pretty stinkin' gory. I may even lose a couple readers here and there, but it is all part of who I am today. I can't go back and change a single thing no matter how hard I wish I could. So I will begin from the beginning because that is who I am and where I have come from.

I also have to tell you this is going to be spread out over a period of probably weeks because my time is so divided and I am always in two places at once! I have been trying to figure out how you people do this blog and family stuff with MORE than 2 kiddos! I am doing good to get all my eggs in a basket just in time for them to get dumped out again! At least I am not counting them.

So here goes the beginning of ME... Bare with me as I have a terrible memory. I think sometimes it is because I have chosen to block out so much of my childhood as to stay happy... so some things are a complete blur and gaps are missing from my life. Oh well guess it wasn't worth remembering!

***********************************************************************************
I remember being mostly a daddy's girl. My mother had my half sister before she married my father and I came along soon after. My dad is a biker (not as hard core now days) and my mother, well she is a people pleaser and got run over quite a bit. I remember my dad being very abusive and my mother getting beaten a lot. Sometimes in front of us and sometimes we'd only hear the abuse and see the results in the morning. I remember that we were the children to be seen but not heard and not even seen for that matter. We were made to stay in our room while the "party" was going on in our kitchen. Lots of drugs, gambling and alcohol.

My parents finally divorced when I was 7 and I was devestated! We moved in with my grandmother who lived about 25 minutes away. I think we lived with her until the floor was beginning to fall through in the kitchen so then we set out to find another home, all of us.

We finally found a place out in the country and I remember falling in love with the old farm house we would call home for the next 8 years give or take. It had so much exploring acreage for a girl who tried to escape a lot from the pain. I remember my mother was never really around much. She had found a boyfriend and stayed away a lot. She liked the social life and the freedom from responsibility or so it seemed. We were being raised by our grandmother (my mom's mom). I remember feeling so left out and so unwanted because I really never saw my dad either and if I would call him he was always too busy and seemed to want nothing to do with me. Sometimes he would come get me in the summer time and I would stay a couple weeks with him but for most of that time he would dump me off at my aunts house. I grew up just like her... and now I live next door to her. hehehe

The times that I did stay with him are the memories that will forever stay in my mind as the best days of my childhood. He lived behind a machine shop (that he worked at) in a tiny travel trailer and I stayed there too. I was a tom boy to say the least and rode motorcycles and 4 wheelers all day while he worked at the machine shop. At night I would get a bath in a huge sink with tide and GOJO (orange grease cleaner... yeah my dad was clueless). After my "bath" we would lay a sleeping bag in the back of his truck and lie under the stars and just be! I LOVE the stars and everything about them now. Every year on my birthday the Persied Meteorite shower rains down hundreds/thousands of "falling stars" just for me *smile* and for as long as I can remember that is the one thing we used to love doing together... watching falling stars. We didn't really talk much; just existed. Maybe he was afraid of who I would become, maybe he really didn't like me... who knows. I do know that I carried with me an idol in my heart of my father and I worshipped the ground he walked on. I would find out later how unhealthy that was.

Going back home was very difficult for me because I felt like a black sheep there too. My sister (whom I love dearly) didn't really seem to want much to do with me and never wanted me around. They (she and my cousins) would make fun of me and tell me to go cry to my daddy if I were upset and lonely. They didn't understand, I guess, that he didn't really treat me like he liked me either, I was just looking for a place to belong. I turned mean; real mean. I started internalizing all the hurt and loss and eventually it became hatred. I hated everything around me. I hated school and all the kids there. They all made fun of me anyway, I was never dressed nice like they were. We didn't have money like they did and I just didn't have the social skills they apparently did so I was an outcast there too. I moved on alone.

Eventually my mother moved out of the house we all lived in. She took my sister with her and I was left with my grandmother. Yep, just another drop in the "everyone hates me" bucket. I started going down a steep hill that wouldn't change direction for another 14 years...

Getting our Bearings...

Okay so we are back in business and dealing with the fun of coming home and unpacking and washing clothes and kids and loving on our poor mistreated dog! Forget that rotten cat! haha... We love him WITHOUT CLAWS!!!

So overall it was a wonderful experience to get to see the mountains. It is totally not a long term thing for us or an ever again desire! The Mountains are beautiful but I love seeing the trees and ponds here with warmth even in the winter time. Nothing against the NORTH but I LOVE the SOUTH! I was born and raised here and this suits me best; snow or no snow... I love it here! ON TOP OF... I thought people here were terrible drivers, I never cease to be amazed at the ability for it to be worse!

The plane ride was somewhat TERRIBLE. The boys were extremely tired and getting them to fall asleep was in and of itself an ACT OF GOD! So there was plenty of screaming and tantrums throughout until the battle was conquered and all rights to peace were being reserved! Ahhhhh the joy of not having your hair singed off by the glares of angry passengers! So as the smoke settled and the smell of burning flesh faded, we landed from our 4 hour flight! Then onto the next plane of innocent bystanders (poor Milicent Bystander)... They did better on this one because we intoxicated them with food, food and more food! AND we had an hour layover in an airport with a small FUN toddler friendly playground, complete with squishy flooring. Talk about exerting some energy... the kids of course! WE were passed out under the little tunnel! We woke to the kiddos pulling on our eyelids and smacking our cheeks. Okay so we were good parents and watched them play while we gained sanity and put in hairplugs.

I will continue on with my Story on into OUR Story as soon as my bearings are rolling in the correct order again! Thanks for all your prayers, love and support! Looking forward to catching up on all the events of your lives! I was way too consumed to even get to read anything up there!