In need of Prayer...

*** UPDATED***

okay so here's the deal pickle...

Today. Intervention- grandparents (apparently they are at court??)

Monday the 7th. Mediation and directly following is the final hearing... all on the same day!

Mom cannot travel from Houston to be here because she is too far along to travel anymore. The dr said NO NO. The baby is not hanging on for long. She is due the 1st of July. But the stress is wearing on her. She told me that the dr is measuring the baby SMALL... 4lbs. I am praying for her to, in the midst of chaos, to get some kind of rest. When I saw her on Tuesday she had dropped severely. So she will be doing the mediation over the phone. I feel terrible for her.

Well that about sums it up.

Nauseated!

Now that REALLY sums it up!

***ORIGINAL POST***

This is so serious. I am not doing well at all. My nerves are all over the place and I can't seem to function.

I carry it with me all day and night. I think of it all the time. I don't know what to do and I am a mess. I can't think straight.

Why was that not included in the training of foster parenting. "Handling off the wall situations".

In 4 days we are going to mediation for Moe. In 4 days we will be in a room while his parents are in other rooms with attorneys. We will be discussing Moe's life for the future. Clearly someone is about to say goodbye. Clearly we are going to see an end to this road.

My heart breaks. I am so torn and I have no more control over my emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat. Even now I am shaking and tears are steadily streaming.

It isn't that I WANT to keep him for myself and I think he will not stay. It isn't that I WANT him to go and I think he will stay. It is the uncertainty of it all and the distance that I see in my baby boys eyes again.

Moe has always been an intuitive little boy. When he was just a baby he would scream the night before visits. We never built them up. we never said anything about the visits, we never even acted any different on those days... but, he knew. He would cry and scream throughout the night sometimes 2 or 3 days leading up to the visits but mainly just the night before.

It was like he KNEW what was about to happen to him.

For the last week he has had this look to him. A look that is set somewhere far off and he is trying to focus on it. It breaks my heart to think that his little self is having to remove himself already to find "normal".

Why can't this just be over! He deserves so much better than this.

We comfort him and love on him but he is to that place again, that place that pushes us away. He comes to us and he kisses us and hugs us... but there is no emotion to it. It is just an act of response. Used to he'd run to us and he'd climb up into our lap and let us love on him and show us love in return. Now, he just stands there and looks at you as though you are not even living.

It is the most awful sight to see your baby grow into this.

We have tried so hard to protect him from bad things and keep his mind in a great place... but now when he comes back from being with his mom for the weekend he pretends to be stabbing people with knives and shooting people. He gets this awful, HATEFUL look on his face when you ask him to "stop please". We don't allow them to see those kinds of movies (we don't even watch those kinds of movies) NOR do we allow them to play with toy guns (other than squirt guns)... so it is really hard to watch him transform to someone else's style of living and allow them to "ruin" him like this. Bear just stares at him when he is acting out like this. He has NO idea how to react to him NOR to "join in". I don't think what they allow him to do is age appropriate and it tears me apart.

I have to trust that God is watching over him while he is away. That HE is guarding his mind and his heart when we cannot.

I feel so sick to my stomach just thinking of the life we could have if we adopt him and they are allowed to be a part of it.

I know that mediation we are going to decide on what we will allow and what we are okay with as far as visits and contact go.

That is where I am torn. I don't know what to do. and we have 4 days to figure it out.

I ask J what he thinks and he still is convinced he will not be staying. He thinks that there is another plan for him. He says that he feels this way because when Moe his here he looks as though he thinks we are his "sitters" or something. Like he doesn't belong here... (is the look he has according to J). He told me that he acts like he doesn't WANT to fit in.

I am not sure what to think. One day I am ready and more than willing to keep him forever, then when we get him back and have to "rework him" I am just ready for this to be over and if they want him then fine, they can keep their awful work.

I know that is terrible of me to think that but it is stressful to keep cleaning up a child's mind and trying to reconstruct it for the good instead of for survival.

I miss my Moe baby but to be honest he hasn't been here in a while. I am not sure where he has gone but it is going to be over soon. One way or the other it will all be over.

Please pray as you feel led. I am not asking for prayers for him to stay or for him to go. I am asking for prayer that God would lead this mediation and that Moe will live where he is destined to live. I am asking for prayer for justice in Moe's life and wisdom for all involved in this case.

Thank you.