The rest of the story

So after all of the losses we prayed about what to do and we were kind of in a fog. We had some different people come and mention adoption to us but that just hurt. It didn't help our hearts any. I was personally offended at the very thought (in my mind) that people were out there thinking.."man they should just give up, this is not the way to go for them!". I mean who's call is it anyway. So needless to say I started shunning the idea of adoption b/c it was another place that proved I failed. I failed at having my own children so now I have to raise someone elses until they can or want them back. Another child I would not be able to keep... sure that's what I needed/wanted! My heart was torn. I wanted a baby more than anything now but I was "done trying". I had gained NUMEROUS pounds and was sick of being on bedrest. I love my "freedom"!

J and I kicked around the idea some here and there. We were asking eachother off and on "what do you think we are to do now?"; OR "have you heard/felt anything in the direction we are to go?" Neither of us had any clues. We were drained. Finally about 3 months later we (were NOT expecting... ha! Gotchya) started feeling our guards come down against adoption. We prayed about it more and more and felt like the Lord had given us a duty, a purpose if you will. "You are parents without children and there are children out there without parents that NEED YOU just as much as you NEED THEM!" It became very clear to us at that point what our next step would be.

We started talking to some dear, dear friends of ours that have adopted also. We asked them how to get started and they gave us all the emotional support as well as all the information we needed. They told us it was easier to do foster/adopt because you get to be with the child for longer before you know if you are "right" for eachother. There are of course greater stakes involved if the child is reunified with parents or family, but if it is something you are willing to risk then it is worth it. But for some reasong I still just could not move forward. I was emotionally frozen. I was terrified of failing and letting some child down. I was hurt that people could have their own babies and I had to go and take from the "overstock pile" (I was hurting and those were hurt feelings... I absolutely in no way feel that way really.!) I had to deal with these raw emotions before I could move forward. I did. I got counseling and got closure for all of my past abortions and mistakes I had made. I asked God's forgiveness in all of these places. I cried. I mourned children I never met. I felt like God gave me names and showed me faces of ALL of my children. I was finally at peace with it all. I hurt inside but it was a good hurt. I started hurting for the "unloved children!" I WANTED THEM! I wanted to advocate for them. I wanted to parent them. I want to be their PARENT whom loves them UNCONDITIONALLY just as God had shown me He loved me and accepted me UNCONDITIONALLY! He adopted me and cleaned me off. I have been given a purpose in this world to do the same to these poor orphans. (James 1:27).

Later I talked to J and told him about my counseling session and felt like I should ask him if he would "adopt" all of my children from before. But when I came to tell him about it all I was so overcome with emotion that I could only cry and he looked at me and told me that he wanted to adopt my children! UNCONTAINABLE GOD! He had already given J a word and filled his heart with this same love for my children. And then from there we were able to move forward.

We went and looked into the classes and what do you know. The very next night would begin the first of a 6 week training course to get licensed. Hmmmmm planned maybe! We attended. 6 weeks later we were licensed our backsides were checked and they came to approve everything we owned! NO DIRT IN THEM THAR CLOSETS! We waited and waited. We got a couple of placement calls but none ever made their way to our home. They always got placed somewhere else. I again started doubting God's plan! I was getting anxious to be a mother. All my friends were becoming parents and it was a hard season of life to be in.

J and I came to a point in our marriage that needed addressing BADLY and I wanted a divorce! He had bigger fish to fry than I was willing to deal with. I hated him and all of his "flaws"... (yep... overlooking my past and all MY flaws. I only saw the plank in his eye!) I realized at that point why God had me not get my degree or a job. I would have left in a heart beat. My flesh instinct has always been to run. AND I HAD MY BAGS PACKED with no where in the world to go. I had a lot of options but none I was willing to act on. I knew I would surley stumble and fall had I run. So J moved out and I couldn't take it. He was my best friend. He was hurting and I dumped on him. I needed him to walk with me in this life! It is nothing God could not get us through together. I called him back that same night and he rushed home! He is meant to be mine and I am meant to be his, flaws and all!

We started looking for a house about 4 months after licensing. We figured if we aren't getting children we may as well get moving out of the way. We knew we were going to the country; away from the city. I don't do city life well! And as we were looking, the scripture came to mind again. "...Enlarge the place of your dwelling, strengthen your tent pegs for soon you will be bursting at the seams".... Isaiah 54:1-3 (paraphrased). OH man! this was bigger than me!

We found our home and moved in October 1st and had to get all of our inspections for the foster/adopt done. We barely got them all done and on October 24th they called for our first placement. A little boy 6 days old. Do we want him... "HIT YOURSELF WITH THE PHONE! YES WE WANT HIM!!!" I told our worker on the phone that day. "This had better be for real because they kept calling before and never placed with us." She told me "No baby, this is for real. I told everyone not to call anyone until I got a hold of you. He is yours". We found out he was a legal risk case which means that he could be reunified with family but we would get to hold and love on him until God's plan played out. I needed him! J and I went out that night to have dinner and buy some BOY stuff ( for some reason all I had was girl stuff...subconciously I wanted a girl REALLY BAD!). We bought some sweet boy outfits for his homecoming and such. Oh I could not wait any longer. I got home and was dressing Duke in diapers and socks, making him lie still so I could just love on him. HA! Okay maybe not but it sure was a hard wait! I know it was only a day but man... the reality of it all was it had been over 2 years that I had been waiting to hold "my" baby! He was coming home!

The next day we got him into our home. We loved him from the moment we saw him pull into the driveway! He was brought inside and he was crying. His clothes were 6 sizes too big for him and half hanging off. His blankets that were once surrounding him were a tangled mess about his tiny little body. They handed him to me and he was crying. The lady told me, "He is dirty I think and definitely hungry" (they drove 4 hours from the hospital with him). I took him into my arms and fed him 2 of the 2 ounce little bottles from the hospital... he ate 4 ounces... I'd say he was hungry! I then burped him and changed his little diaper and put him in some more appropriate clothing. I swaddled him and cuddled him and lay him down to sleep. AND HE SLEPT! Then began the NOT SLEEPING for mommy and daddy! Oh but the joy is beyond me!

So here we are 16 months later (to the date) of Bear's arrival and we are still not done with his adoption. There have been so many hangups and has never had a visit with anyone other than a potential father at 2 weeks old! That man was weeded out with a DNA test. No other caregivers... EVER and it is taking forever! I don't get it but God does! He is ours just not legally yet! We will be getting a date soon for the cosumation and when we do watch out, there will be a party! On earth as it is in HEAVEN!

5 months after Bear came home we got another little boy (5 months old as well) and that lasted about 3 weeks until he went to live at the home that had his siblings. He left and then about a week and a half later, along came MOE at 6 weeks old. Also a HIGH RISK CASE! He had parents looking for reunification so we didn't have any heart set plans other than to love this little boy like our own until his parents could. At 5 months old a family member got certified to take him and we lost him. It was hard to say goodbye but I knew it was coming eventually and I knew God was in it. I felt peace! 3 months later we get a phone call asking to bring him back into our home and OF COURSE we said YES! 3 days later he came home! He has been here for 2 months now and we are possibly preparing for his departure again mid March, just after his one year b.day. My heart aches but God will prevail and He will sustain my broken heart!

It is a hard road but the rewards are plenty! I love this "job" most days. EXCEPT on the teething days... Yeah, I know that so not unconditional. I love them on those days too, under the influence of Ibuprofen and orajel! My boys! God knew I needed them! What has He in store next???

Thus concludes the saga of Me. If you have any questions (in reason) email me. I will do my best at answering all those inquiring minds. Thanks for hanging in there with me (you 5 readers of mine!) You have been my reason for continuing on :)!

soon to come

I promise I am not intentionally torturing you all. I don't get why my time is so demanded right now... hahaha. Both boys are sick, sick, sick. I am dropping in to tell you that I will soon be posting the last bit of my saga... I am sorry it has taken this long. Weekends drag the life out of me! And then the week slowly drifts away by Tuesday! HA!

love to you all and God Bless!

Story of Us part 2

So we carried on with life as best we knew how. We leaned on the arm of the LORD a LOT! It is hard losing a baby... you have so many plans that go unattended, we registered only to never have a shower and then it was really hard seeing the things we registered for being carried/worn by others. It is crazy all the emotional attachments that come along with being pregnant and then losing your child. You have to grieve EVERY place before you can truly move on. The outfit you registered for you see on another baby girl... healing; The carseat you registered for snuggling someone else's live baby... healing; you hear her name being whispered to another precious snuggle bug... healing. It is just too long a list of things to mention of all the places that you HAVE to receive healing in before you are completely able to not think about it and BREAK DOWN every time!

I came home from the grocery store one day about 3 weeks later and just sat in front of our house in the jeep staring at our tree. I was thinking of nothing in particular but EVERYTHING was flooding my mind. All of a sudden out of the chaos of my thougts came a sudden stop and a burst of realization. "The scripture!" I said out loud as if there were someone near me. I recalled every single word from the scripture I had felt lead to read the day before I had gone into labor. "Isaiah 54:1-3"... oh my goodness. I had no idea the significance in that moment and it made me even more mad I think. "Okay God so how do you see that I will have more than all the other women if I can't even have my own children?" Just questions; empty questions flooded my heart. I had to pray to keep the devil at bay.

We went to the dr and they said Olivia was perfectly normal and healthy. She was actually big for her gestation. My placenta was infected but that could have been because my water broke a day before (I didn't know that's what was going on the day before. I knew something was weird but I had no idea it was significant). So my dr. told me "this just happens sometimes." "WHAT THAT'S IT!" Uggghhhhh. I drew nearer to God in the midst of my pain, loss and confusion. Nobody could give me answers. It was nobody's job. Only God knows what happened. So many questions would go unanswered but God's love and peace were evident and very present.

I was sitting outside on my front porch one day watching the cars pass by. I saw the meter reader walking across the street and following behind him was a little puppy. My heart melted, I needed someone to look after... if not then just pet. The puppy saw me and came running up to me and put his head on my chest and just looked up at me. He needed me just as much as I needed him. I aske the guy reading the meters if it was his dog and he said it had been following him since several blocks back. He came all that way just to find me. I took him to the humane society seeing that we were not allowed to have pets where we lived. I walked in with him and the workers looked as though I brought the plague on a string. "What's wrong... it's a dog!" They told me that since he was mixed breed Pit bull, rottweiller they would put him to sleep... man that's prejudice if I have ever seen it. "But he's just a puppy and so very sweet". The lady told me that they just don't take chances on pit bull anything so they put them to sleep. SOOOO over to the vet we go. $35 later and we are the proud owners of DUKE (we still are... he's snoring in his oversized bed behind the couch right now...the best dog ever, I am so glad I didn't give up on him back then!)! We then moved. haha

3 months after Olivia came and went I found out I was pregnant again. I felt like the LORD was still telling us to start our family and seeing that the dr didn't think this was a reoccuring chance then we decided to just keep trying when the light was green. We succeded soon and back came the dreams of my child/ren dying. I couldn't shake them. I hated falling asleep for fear of the nighmares I would face. I then started to take this as a sign (althoug I knew God was bigger), My child is going to die again.

One night around 11 P I woke up for the infamous potty break every 3 hours and I felt the same gush of "liquid" I did the day before I delivered Olivia. Except now I "knew" what it was. I went back to bed and woke J. I told him..."I think my water just broke but I am not sure. I will call the dr in the morning and go get checked out." He went back to sleep and I finally followed suit about 3 hours later. I was so nervous and scared... I had a feeling of what was to come.

The next morning I am pacing the floor (not literally) waiting for the dr's office to open. I call and they tell me to come right in. My friends mother and my mother in law came over when I told them what had happened and they rushed me the block over to the clinic. My dr checked me and told me "you are not dialated so you are not in labor.... It seems that everything is fine. But let me do an US to see what's going on in there."

He hooks me up and takes a look..."OH THERE'S NO AMNIOTIC FLUID IN THERE!" (Riiiiight I told you I leaked it all out last night genius!) So he sends me straight to L&D..."Oh goody, my favorite pasttime!" I felt sick to say the least! They hook me up to IV's and antibiotics to keep the infection at bay. J gets off work and comes to meet us up there. My dr comes and reassures us that there's nothing progressing toward labor so as long as I stay in bed and on antibiotics my fluid could still build back up. "BUT at 17 weeks there's no way this baby will survive if born any time soon."

I camped out in my own special room for about 3 days and the dr finally sends me home on oral antibiotics and moderate bed rest. I obey. The next day I start feeling some familiar pains and don't wait for the full-blown labor to kick in. I felt like the baby had moved down and was in a "ready" position. (moms you KNOW the FEELING!). Back to the L&D we go.

We get there and get checked in and into a room and everything and the nurse comes in and checks me and tells me "I am not sure why you came up here... there's nothing we can do for you. You could have just gone to the ER." I shot her a look like "how dare you!" and then proceeded to tell her, " Well unhook me. I will get up and walk down there if you'd like!" She then looked at me and said " You are already here so we will deal with it!" OKAY SO IF I STEPPED ON YOUR IMAGINARY BLACK CAT THAT FELL OFF YOUR BROOM THIS MORNING I AM SOOO SORRY BUT I AM LOSING MY SECOND CHILD IF YOU DON'T MIND! I just don't understand some people! REALLY! Then she checks me and just as though she were talking about the weather... "yeah I feel baby parts, you will be delivering soon". hmmmmm can I tell you how even now typing this I want to hunt her down and step on her cat! Ugghhhh. Thank you Jesus I am better than bitterness and evil deeds! Still to this day I hate hearing the word "parts". It makes me sick to my stomach.

She calls in a dr and very soon after on Feb 11th our son was born at 17 weeks. He weighed 11 ounces and was 6 in long. He looked just like J. I saw him gasp once and that was all he had to give. He met our Father. We wept. (we just passed his 3rd birthday).

I received another "memory box" with his footprint on a card and a hat and gown thing. Olivia's had her anklet and a blurry picture they took of her in the "nursery" with a polaroid. I am starting to collect these unwanted boxes.

We didn't have a name for him yet as I was still too early for the US to see the gender. So we prayed about it and asked God to give us a name for our son. 3 days later I woke in my bed at home and felt the name Samuel David heavy on my heart. I prayed about it and felt confirmation that was indeed his name!

I went home to emptiness again.

About a month later I was asked to go on a trip with our church to help administrate the childcare team in Germany. I had worked with chidren in our church for a long time now and it was second nature to me. Germany, however, was not. I was still really bitter about losing my son and not being able to be home with MY child instead of watching other people's children! I knew I neede to check my spirit and my attitude because these children and parents love me and really want me to go look after the children. I prayed about it and told God... "IF it is YOUR will that I go then you will see that I raise the 2400. needed to go." In about 3 months I had it ready to go! Can you say He is MORE THAN ENOUGH! So off to Germany I went.

My emotions were raw though to say the least. I experienced some rough times. My heart was hurting. I celebrated Oli's one year birthday/anniversary while there. I was still producing milk here and there. It was REALLY ROUGH most moments. I survived and put on a happy face most days and dealt with it as God gave me strength to do so. I loved the people I was working with but some days even they didn't understand. Who could?? They didn't murder me though so I thank them for that.

2 weeks later we came home and I realized my husband was not the man I thought he was and I wanted a divorce. I just wanted out! I again went to my knees after he left our home and prayed, "God help me see what you want from me and from this marriage... It is nothing to me anymore". I felt like God told me that I was to not give up and to press in EVEN in the hard places of uncertainty and pain.!

I felt like we would be given another child and I would find out on my birthday (AUG 12). Sure enough (as if I even have to question anymore)... It fell on my birthday, the first day to be able to take a test. Positive it was. We celebrated and wept all at the same time. I was scared to death. I was tired of going through this emotional roller coaster. Enough is enough! But what God brings me to he will bring me through.

The dreams start up again. This time the dreams were different though. There was blood involved. There had never been blood involved in all the others. Even in the pregnancy...It was just that my water broke too early and I would go into labor... no bleeding (before birth of course). So that was different. We had also changed dr's seeing that all the other one could tell me is "these things just happen" (yes TWICE; same answer)... not on my watch doc. See ya!
We now had a dr that is considered one of our cities most specialized high risk preg dr's. Imagine that... her name just "randomly" came up on a list we were looking at for new dr's. We knew nothing about her and it said our insurance didn't even cover her but we felt like she was the one we would be seeing. Later we found out about her specialization AND our ins did in fact cover her. Thank you Jesus!

She ordered a cerclage be done at my 13 week mark. (stitching the cervix shut, so as not to go into preterm labor AGAIN). Then I started getting progestrone shots twice a week to help thicken the lining of my uterus to help keep the baby in. When I got the cerclage I started bleeding... very light but blood none the less. I was told in the beginning this would be normal and not to worry. "Easy for you to say lady, you don't have my dreams OR luck!"

Everything seemed to be going okay. I was told to take it easy and nothing strenuous. about 2 months later I was feeling something was just not right. I was due for an US soon but I just kept feeling the baby kicking WAY low... like foot touching the couch cushion I was sitting on, low. I also felt like I could possibly be "leaking" fluids. No gush like last time but just not right. She tells me to come in. I go in and she checks me. She says everything looks fine. A little more fluid that normal but it's not abnormal so that is okay. She wanted to do and US just to be on the safe side... Yeah-that!

I go in, get prepped and the tech is not saying much. The dr comes in and they are kind of talking in an inaudible tone... "this can't be good". I see our sweet DAUGHTER on the screen just kicking away. I can also feel her kicking in places she ought not be kicking. It felt as though she were kicking at the cerclage. "No, no little one!"...

I get dressed and go into the dr's office. She proceeds to tell us that she wants me to go to the L&D and they are going to set me up in a room to be on strict bed rest. There was fluid pooling above the cerclage causing my uterus to balloon above the cerclage as well. Our little ANGEL had her little foot down in that balloon kicking away! (Leave it to my daughter to get into mischief before she's even out!) She said everything still looks okay but we need to get me under close servalence and we are going to try and ride it out until your 24th week. I was just 20 weeks. I asked if we had a chance. She looked hopeful but uncertain. I knew in my heart we would again be saying goodbye. Our sweet girl Ymali (pronounced "E-Mollie") Jane "Emma Jane" would be known for a short time here on earth. We prayed ever so hard. We had people holding prayer vigils for us and coming in to sit with me while J had to go to work. I had my own little private room again with a couch, chair and coffee table. I got good treatment this time. I was pleased. My dear friends brought me puzzle books, coloring books, board games, a Christmas tree (twas the season). So precious.

I stayed on bedrest far too long. My bed was even eleveated BACKWARDS so that I was "upside down" if you will. Not extremely but enough that it was WAY uncomfortable! We did everything to keep this little lady in. My dr came and checke on my regularly, she was AWESOME! Still keeping the hope and the faith.

One night it hit hard! I started having INTENSE contractions. I had a room full of people and I was huring bad. In between the contractions I had to take a potty break and upon finishing I noticed blood! OH MY GOODNESS... HERE IT IS... MY DREAM! I started panicking. I called for my friend M who was out in the room (she's the same one we called with Olivia, the ER nurse). she came rushing in and fled to go get my nurse. They wheeled me down to L&D (I was in a room in the NICU wing). My dr came in and checked me. She told me that I was dialated to a 6 and that the blood was from my stitches ripping through. She gave me some meds to stop the contractions and to induce a coma so it felt like.

She left the room and I felt like I was about to deliver, the pain was so intense and I felt like I had to push with all my might. I didn't want to though, I was scared. I needed my dr to tell me what to do. I was screaming for ANYONE to come in. Finally a nurse came in and went to get my dr. She came minutes later and checked me. She told me that I was still at a 6 and was not in labor. She then ordered a cathedar... ahhhhhh.... That was better! I apparently had to go REALLY BADLY but the baby was sitting on my bladder making it so I could not go and it was pooling. I loved that thing. I never had to get out of bed again.

So on with my meds. I was put on a very high dose of Magnesium sulfate! IF anyone has ever had that stuff you know what I mean when I say.... COMATOSE! Days went by and people came to visit. I had no idea. They said I was awake but that was three days that I don't remember. I asked my dr one day if I was supposed to feel this bad and she checked me out and lowered the settings. I was coherent again... nice. No signs of contractions, we were in business. 21 weeks. Yeah only 3 more weeks to go. I started coming down with something... It was hard to breathe and my chest felt real heavy. I started getting a terrible cough. They discovered fluid in my lungs from not breathing properly and being "upside down". They tilted me forward and gave me breathing treatments to do to help fight off the pneumonia trying to make it's way in.

I started feeling the contractions again but not bad ones. My dr came to check on me one day and I had mentioned to her a ..... rather uncomfortable feeling in the lower region surrounding the cath. I asked if UTIs were common when you have a cathedar in. She said yes but said she wanted to check me anyway. She did and told me that I was actually delivering. 21 weeks just didn't make the cut either. I delivered our little Emma Jane into the world and man was she fiesty. She was kicking and flailing arms everywhere. she was trying to cry but could muster nothing more than an attempt to breathe. My dr. just looked at me with a hand on my knee and tears in her eyes... she cared! We watched her squirm for about 30 minutes before she fell silent in our arms.

Again, a box, a blurry picture and a cap and gown was what accompanied us on our way home from the hospital. A room where a baby should lie sleeping would never know our daughter. I hated life. I hated me. I blamed me and my poor choices fully. I asked my dr about it and she said she highly doubted it had anything to do with my poor choices in the past. I just have an incompetent cervix and it is not uncommon. We would just have to go another route "next time". HAHAHAHA.... no offense but I am done! We asked her what our chances were if there were to ever be a next time. She sweetly told us that we would struggle to make it to 24 weeks, we would pray for 26 weeks, but 32 weeks would be ideal. NIIIIICE! So you're saying we have a chance... hahahaha. Thanks but no thanks... was my attitude.

I shut God out of my pain. I ran from HIM. I was scared. I had prayed for all three of our children to survive and all 3 have died. I didn't want to pray for anything else thankyouverymuch! Our house would burn down or my whole family would be struck with the black plague... I don't care if it hasn't been around in ages... it would make an appearance just for me! I am certain!

There was a viewing held for Ymali but I couldn't go... I was hurting. Nobody else knew about it so there would be not attendants for her little viewing ( I regret it terribly) then the burial came and went. We showed up for the very last part of it. There she was, a little decorated shoe box being placed in the ground and fresh dirt being placed on top of her little empty body. Goodbye could never hurt so bad! I wept and RAN full force into my DADDY's arms where HE stood silently waiting for me to come running. I wept harder that day still. I knew I needed HIM and could not do this alone! He was/is my rock!