So after all of the losses we prayed about what to do and we were kind of in a fog. We had some different people come and mention adoption to us but that just hurt. It didn't help our hearts any. I was personally offended at the very thought (in my mind) that people were out there thinking.."man they should just give up, this is not the way to go for them!". I mean who's call is it anyway. So needless to say I started shunning the idea of adoption b/c it was another place that proved I failed. I failed at having my own children so now I have to raise someone elses until they can or want them back. Another child I would not be able to keep... sure that's what I needed/wanted! My heart was torn. I wanted a baby more than anything now but I was "done trying". I had gained NUMEROUS pounds and was sick of being on bedrest. I love my "freedom"!
J and I kicked around the idea some here and there. We were asking eachother off and on "what do you think we are to do now?"; OR "have you heard/felt anything in the direction we are to go?" Neither of us had any clues. We were drained. Finally about 3 months later we (were NOT expecting... ha! Gotchya) started feeling our guards come down against adoption. We prayed about it more and more and felt like the Lord had given us a duty, a purpose if you will. "You are parents without children and there are children out there without parents that NEED YOU just as much as you NEED THEM!" It became very clear to us at that point what our next step would be.
We started talking to some dear, dear friends of ours that have adopted also. We asked them how to get started and they gave us all the emotional support as well as all the information we needed. They told us it was easier to do foster/adopt because you get to be with the child for longer before you know if you are "right" for eachother. There are of course greater stakes involved if the child is reunified with parents or family, but if it is something you are willing to risk then it is worth it. But for some reasong I still just could not move forward. I was emotionally frozen. I was terrified of failing and letting some child down. I was hurt that people could have their own babies and I had to go and take from the "overstock pile" (I was hurting and those were hurt feelings... I absolutely in no way feel that way really.!) I had to deal with these raw emotions before I could move forward. I did. I got counseling and got closure for all of my past abortions and mistakes I had made. I asked God's forgiveness in all of these places. I cried. I mourned children I never met. I felt like God gave me names and showed me faces of ALL of my children. I was finally at peace with it all. I hurt inside but it was a good hurt. I started hurting for the "unloved children!" I WANTED THEM! I wanted to advocate for them. I wanted to parent them. I want to be their PARENT whom loves them UNCONDITIONALLY just as God had shown me He loved me and accepted me UNCONDITIONALLY! He adopted me and cleaned me off. I have been given a purpose in this world to do the same to these poor orphans. (James 1:27).
Later I talked to J and told him about my counseling session and felt like I should ask him if he would "adopt" all of my children from before. But when I came to tell him about it all I was so overcome with emotion that I could only cry and he looked at me and told me that he wanted to adopt my children! UNCONTAINABLE GOD! He had already given J a word and filled his heart with this same love for my children. And then from there we were able to move forward.
We went and looked into the classes and what do you know. The very next night would begin the first of a 6 week training course to get licensed. Hmmmmm planned maybe! We attended. 6 weeks later we were licensed our backsides were checked and they came to approve everything we owned! NO DIRT IN THEM THAR CLOSETS! We waited and waited. We got a couple of placement calls but none ever made their way to our home. They always got placed somewhere else. I again started doubting God's plan! I was getting anxious to be a mother. All my friends were becoming parents and it was a hard season of life to be in.
J and I came to a point in our marriage that needed addressing BADLY and I wanted a divorce! He had bigger fish to fry than I was willing to deal with. I hated him and all of his "flaws"... (yep... overlooking my past and all MY flaws. I only saw the plank in his eye!) I realized at that point why God had me not get my degree or a job. I would have left in a heart beat. My flesh instinct has always been to run. AND I HAD MY BAGS PACKED with no where in the world to go. I had a lot of options but none I was willing to act on. I knew I would surley stumble and fall had I run. So J moved out and I couldn't take it. He was my best friend. He was hurting and I dumped on him. I needed him to walk with me in this life! It is nothing God could not get us through together. I called him back that same night and he rushed home! He is meant to be mine and I am meant to be his, flaws and all!
We started looking for a house about 4 months after licensing. We figured if we aren't getting children we may as well get moving out of the way. We knew we were going to the country; away from the city. I don't do city life well! And as we were looking, the scripture came to mind again. "...Enlarge the place of your dwelling, strengthen your tent pegs for soon you will be bursting at the seams".... Isaiah 54:1-3 (paraphrased). OH man! this was bigger than me!
We found our home and moved in October 1st and had to get all of our inspections for the foster/adopt done. We barely got them all done and on October 24th they called for our first placement. A little boy 6 days old. Do we want him... "HIT YOURSELF WITH THE PHONE! YES WE WANT HIM!!!" I told our worker on the phone that day. "This had better be for real because they kept calling before and never placed with us." She told me "No baby, this is for real. I told everyone not to call anyone until I got a hold of you. He is yours". We found out he was a legal risk case which means that he could be reunified with family but we would get to hold and love on him until God's plan played out. I needed him! J and I went out that night to have dinner and buy some BOY stuff ( for some reason all I had was girl stuff...subconciously I wanted a girl REALLY BAD!). We bought some sweet boy outfits for his homecoming and such. Oh I could not wait any longer. I got home and was dressing Duke in diapers and socks, making him lie still so I could just love on him. HA! Okay maybe not but it sure was a hard wait! I know it was only a day but man... the reality of it all was it had been over 2 years that I had been waiting to hold "my" baby! He was coming home!
The next day we got him into our home. We loved him from the moment we saw him pull into the driveway! He was brought inside and he was crying. His clothes were 6 sizes too big for him and half hanging off. His blankets that were once surrounding him were a tangled mess about his tiny little body. They handed him to me and he was crying. The lady told me, "He is dirty I think and definitely hungry" (they drove 4 hours from the hospital with him). I took him into my arms and fed him 2 of the 2 ounce little bottles from the hospital... he ate 4 ounces... I'd say he was hungry! I then burped him and changed his little diaper and put him in some more appropriate clothing. I swaddled him and cuddled him and lay him down to sleep. AND HE SLEPT! Then began the NOT SLEEPING for mommy and daddy! Oh but the joy is beyond me!
So here we are 16 months later (to the date) of Bear's arrival and we are still not done with his adoption. There have been so many hangups and has never had a visit with anyone other than a potential father at 2 weeks old! That man was weeded out with a DNA test. No other caregivers... EVER and it is taking forever! I don't get it but God does! He is ours just not legally yet! We will be getting a date soon for the cosumation and when we do watch out, there will be a party! On earth as it is in HEAVEN!
5 months after Bear came home we got another little boy (5 months old as well) and that lasted about 3 weeks until he went to live at the home that had his siblings. He left and then about a week and a half later, along came MOE at 6 weeks old. Also a HIGH RISK CASE! He had parents looking for reunification so we didn't have any heart set plans other than to love this little boy like our own until his parents could. At 5 months old a family member got certified to take him and we lost him. It was hard to say goodbye but I knew it was coming eventually and I knew God was in it. I felt peace! 3 months later we get a phone call asking to bring him back into our home and OF COURSE we said YES! 3 days later he came home! He has been here for 2 months now and we are possibly preparing for his departure again mid March, just after his one year b.day. My heart aches but God will prevail and He will sustain my broken heart!
It is a hard road but the rewards are plenty! I love this "job" most days. EXCEPT on the teething days... Yeah, I know that so not unconditional. I love them on those days too, under the influence of Ibuprofen and orajel! My boys! God knew I needed them! What has He in store next???
Thus concludes the saga of Me. If you have any questions (in reason) email me. I will do my best at answering all those inquiring minds. Thanks for hanging in there with me (you 5 readers of mine!) You have been my reason for continuing on :)!
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